Let’s just play this smart for four years (and try not to upset him)

First, let’s present him a crown. A huge gold crown encrusted with smaller gold crowns in a ring, enough to represent Melania and his offspring and Jared Kushner. And one big red ruby.

The smaller crowns also need to look big.

Next, let’s get him some emolument. I’ve never seen any, but I think we could make emolument with an olive press. It’d better smell nice. It needs to smell like winning.

Please, your Excellency, please do us the grace of accepting this emolument of vanquished haters.

Titles of nobility. Lots of them in a row.

And a national holiday and an awards ceremony and a film festival all about him. And a great big soccer championship if Brazilians go for it. I hear they’re smart, fantastic, good-looking people, the best people.

The first city to rename itself Trump City wins. Other cities can do it, too. Trump City, Idaho, isn’t Trump City, Texas. Wait, make that Trump City, Trump. Which opens possibilities. Like I’m hoping to fly out of Trump City, Trump’s tremendous George Bush Intercontinental Airport. One-way, please.

Whatever we do, let’s not upset him. The aide-de-camp who’s always near him with the nuclear football is prohibited from clamping hands on ears while screaming la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

We need to play this thing smart for four years, if not eight or 16 or as long as he lives, may the Creator preserve his astonishingly excellent physical stamina.

If we can do that now, we’ll have time later to think where we last saw our Constitution.