And There Will Be Knocks…

I wasn’t ready for this blow, but it got to me. And I wasn’t ready. The blow came on the back of good news that had me floating on the air, but. I was floored like a boxer who had just received an unexpected left hook. I was on the mat and in the distance, I could hear the referees’ count and I knew I had to get up but, I struggled. I received a knock, but I knew I was not out yet. But what a sucker punch!

What floored me? I’d had the news that an acquaintance had passed away. Johnnie had cancer. Yes, it was different, yes it was at a different stage and it was a different journey, but he had cancer too. Johnnie, was a fitness instructor. But at that moment my good news didn’t matter. I felt vulnerable and I had to face the dark side of cancer. Johnnie was not more than 40. We weren’t close and we hardly knew one another, but we knew were both fighting a battle and we’d asked after one another through our mutual friend. Johnnie’s gone. I was floored.

At the moment, as tears run slide down my cheeks, thoughts run amok in my head and I was in a space that was not familiar to me. I really wanted out! My day had been going really well so far! I was pleased that the Nairobi sun had finally come out in all her blazing glory, I had energy to go back to work two days after having received my weekly jab and I was wearing new loafers! I ‘got’ this Monday!

However, I had flown into turbulence. I had to be in that moment, accept an aspect of my cancer, mourn, but had I to show up for myself. I’m sure you’ve had moments like this, when you have to show up for yourself and dig deep. Thank you Lorna for giving me your ear, sharing your wounds and elbowing truth into me. Thank you for being on the sidelines telling that there will be moments like these and that this too is part of my journey and my battle. Thank you for reminding me that the mental battle is still as important as the physical battle and that this was a knock, but I’d have to get up and fight through the pain.

I was better the following day, the eyes would still water occasionally. It was a mixture of survivor’s guilt and mourning the fallen. Rest Johnnie. I was getting unstuck and processing the previous day’s lesson. Confronting my fears, re-configuring this new normal and protecting my corner.

We all get winded every now and then, and we’ll get worn, but here’s to getting wiser.