an update

Another list of stuff I’ve been thinking about as of late. Revised 04.13.16, 10:43 PM.

  1. I saw in a video somewhere that love is a kind of addiction (just a good, socially-accepted one). I never made that kind of connection before… but it clicked. When listening to some break up song, I can imagine the process being parallel to one attempting to quit drugs. I also read somewhere that there’s some chemical formula for love too. Dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin or something like that. And that an imbalance in any of them would lead to personality disorders like schizophrenia, paranoia, etc. If that’s all true, is love really nothing but a self-induced high? I feel like I’m treading on dark waters now, so I’m going to stop on this one here.
  2. Actually, I took 2 melatonin pills and am about to pass out right now. I’ll write more tomorrow.
  3. Melatonin always causes me to get nightmares. I don’t really know why. Maybe the increase of the chemical in my brain triggers stronger subconscious activity or something. And perhaps all my subconscious stuff are just overly filled with horrible thoughts.
  4. I’ve been thinking a lot about the balance between consumption and production (creation). I feel as though I consume quite a bit during the day (Facebook, Quora, Instagram, iTunes, Soundcloud, etc.), and I’m slowly realizing its detrimental toll on my productivity. I value time, and thus I value efficiency. In that mindset, I realize uncontrolled (excessive) consumption may trigger inefficient production — and I’m at a point in my life where I don’t have the extra time for that. There’s something to overconsumption that makes you really passive and lazy—similar to when you eat more than you should and consequently feel food coma. It feels strangely the same, even though the former is mentality-based and the latter is physiology-based. I’ll end this thought here.
  5. I’m not very intentional with all that I do — and I think many people are more or less on a similar boat. But sometimes I wonder: how efficient would I be if I were to be intentional with my actions? I would understand why I’m engaging in all the actions I take, and thus find greater motivation to finish off what I started. I would take daily responsibilities on with more energy and less reluctance. Essentially, I feel as though I would find greater purpose in everything I do. Now, then, why is it so difficult being more intentional? Perhaps I’m not so fond of getting damaged in the process; I can see intentionality entailing greater internalization and personalization of actions. Perhaps I don’t have enough cognitive capacities to do so. But really, that doesn’t matter. What’s more important is the fact that I’m now aware of this — that’s a good place to start from.
  6. Ignorance isn’t bliss — not when you’re a student anyway. As a student, I feel as though one must just… know and have experienced a lot of stuff in order to stand out as a “qualified” candidate. Reading job requirements sometimes, I’m astonished by some of their criteria. Corporations seem to demand candidates who have working knowledge of just about everything conceivable, and have been exposed to an unimaginable variety of different experiences. Where does ignorance come to play in any of this? Nowhere. The more ignorant you are, the less opportunities you give yourself. The less opportunities you give yourself, the more poorly you’ll transition well into corporate society. Or maybe I’m just being too harsh on myself. Who knows.
  7. I read online somewhere that procrastinators are perfectionists, and as such, they’re consequently much better off than they think (or something like that). While I commend the statement’s positive approach in addressing a poor habit, I can’t imagine how retaining procrastination or perfectionism will help individuals retain their sense of dignity, especially when it severely deteriorates their work production and thus self-development. “Perfection[ism] stems from attempts to preserve a sense of self-worth that hinges on the expectations of others. It is often referred to as ‘the highest form of self-abuse’ because perfection simply doesn’t exist. More importantly, perfection is rarely necessary in day-to-day working and living (unless you are a brain surgeon). Procrastination is often a symptom of perfectionism. Because perfectionists fear being unable to complete a task perfectly, they put it off as long as possible. This stems from the fear that not meeting the goal means that there is something bad, wrong or unworthy inside of them. Further, perfectionists fear that failure will invoke criticism or ridicule either from internal voices or external authorities and peers. The higher the fear of failure and ridicule, the more perfectionists procrastinate.” With no doubt, I’m definitely a perfectionist. Possibly a very extreme case of one at times. Something to think more about and work on.
  8. There were moments in my life where I gave up on certain tasks, goals, or dreams because of the one statement, “We’re all going to die anyway.” Having thoroughly witnessed the end of a successful figure’s life while interning at a prestigious hospital (my grandfather, last summer — more information on my Facebook wall and Tumblr), that’s when I further internalized the concept of meaninglessness and started applying it to more things and actions in my life. Whenever I felt motivated to pursue something, I immediately demotivated myself out of it — because we’re all going to die anyway, right? Wrong. I realize that’s like the same idea of going into a relationship thinking you’re going to break up; that’s not how you do those things. I wasn’t born thinking I was going to die. I was born realizing I need to live, and thus developing the need to find stuff that will help me better live. It’s true — we will all die in the end (that’s something I‘ll always struggle over, because I’ll never know when the “end” will really be + I’m pretty intolerant of ambiguity). But that doesn’t mean I’ll just live meaninglessly until the day comes. That’s as stupid as going to college while waiting for it to be over since day 1 (which I have also done before — my college plan was to get a super high GPA, pile up credits, and graduate as soon as possible). It’s just not a meaningful way to utilize life. Not at all.
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