before i die

Of suffocation. I need to write this down somewhere.

1. I feel more and more things are requiring greater and greater efforts out of me, and I’m not sure if that’s because I’m becoming an adult, or because I thought about things too simply in the past.
2. I sometimes hear a silent scream inside my head. I know, what? I don’t actually know much either, but it’s exactly that. Maybe a muted scene of a person screaming. Except I don’t much see, but rather feel, it. It makes my head hurt a lot.
3. Caffeine makes me so depressed. I went to a boba shop today and bought tea. I knew I was already screwing myself over… but alas, I prioritize my situations before myself, and today’s situation called for a drink, so… now I feel miserable. At least I had a good time though.
4. I drank a little with my friends yesterday to celebrate a birthday, and realized that alcohol is a depressant. If how I felt after drinking 2 shots is how normal people feel, I’m at an utter loss of words.
5. “I’ve heard so much about you!” I’ve heard this at least 6 times today. I have no idea what’s going on, but it made me realize people definitely talk about other people (much more than I do), and know more about me than I know about them.
6. I feel as though if I were to act like my true self around my friends, I would say nothing, express nothing, and do nothing. I remember once wondering if I’m in the slightest bit autistic… I’m just not outwardly expressive or reactive. I just learned how to do so from observing my friends who are. Except I strongly feel the need to meet others’ expectations (probably habitualized through serving my parents). Thus the reason why I try to talk more, express more, and do more, I guess. I’m just a heavy, heavy internalizer is all.
7. I’ve been so busy the past 3 days (friends, 8–5 hew-hire training, remote work, recording music, finalizing class schedule, photoshoots, etc.). All of it is wrecking havoc on my brain for sure. I feel it. But I’m also crazy enough to go through with all of it at once — so bring it on August. I will obliterate all the obstacles you’ll bring.
8. I also had 7 nosebleeds within the past 3 days. Doctor said it’s just because my blood vessels are thin, but isn’t 7 a bit excessive, dear body? Now is not the time to be weak. We’ll get there later.
9. “just wait, don’t fade away / i’ll sail, through the pouring rain, i’ll dance in the rain”
10. If I don’t talk/message you back, it’s because things are going way too fast for me to process, and I need time alone to think things through.
11. I try so hard to match to my extroverted friends, but I have come to accept that I have a fine limit as to how much of their words I can engulf before having my head pound.
12. I am starting a photography side project. The concept is centered around individuality. We all have sides we cherish — sides we may feel shy showing others. I would love to hear about your dearest hobbies and capture you at your most genuine moments. If you are in any way interested, please let me know. I will guarantee you a fun and meaningful experience centered uniquely around your preferences and opinions.
13. I just want to sleep through this entire week.