Cleanin’ Off Six Platefuls

I originally wrote this song parody in March 2006 (apparently my month for food tributes). It’s set to the tune of Eminem’s “Cleanin’ Out My Closet” (original video is below if you want to follow along).


“Cleanin’ Off Six Platefuls”

Where’s my biscuits?
I have no biscuits with my chicken
Need that roll
yeah… grow, grow…

Have you ever had a hungry bottomless pit?
I have, I’ve stuffed and crammed whenever I sit
Spoonfuls of gravy, crazy, shit won’t even fill me
Sick is the growin’ and expandin’ from my behind
even if it’s a rind on the ground I’m throwin’ it down
Don’t even care that gemometrically I’m round
Just can’t fill up, stomach’s one rollin’ rumblin’ sound
Keep finger lickin Popeye’s chicken in the evening
and morning coffee rolls and pop-tarts before leaving
See they also tempt me, tease me, stomach emptied out
Look at this sow, I bet ya probably getting sick right now
ain’t you tummy I’m orderin off the back of the menu now

[Chorus]
I’m sorry tummy
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to give you gas
But tonight I’m cleanin’ off six platefuls
{one more time}

I said I’m sorry tummy
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to give you gas
But tonight I’m cleanin’ off six platefuls

I got greasy wrappers on the carpet and
I eat almost nothing if gardens grow it
“Ho, I want glazed and jellied — my kinda doughnut”
I’m gonna paint it, take you back to KFC
before I had ever back-stroked in a pool of gravy
I was starving, hadn’t really eaten since lunch
My gullet knew things were ok after one wing crunched
The potatoes creamy mashed even better than fries
A full Colonel’s bucket, go ahead, touch it and die
I look at Sanders and his secret spices make me cry
Even if they made it illegal, I’d steal some and
hide in my basement reveling and filling my gut
wishing I had a truck and maybe five acres of land
to build a chicken worshiping mecca today
What I dream is a reach, no doubt it is dumb
but I can’t help it as I lick out the bucket’s last crumb
Cuz I’d do anything, I’ve grown attached to this booth
My expanding waist-line and I stand here shoutin’ the truth

[Chorus]
I’m sorry tummy
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to give you gas
But tonight I’m cleanin’ off six platefuls
{one more time}

I said I’m sorry tummy
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to give you gas
But tonight I’m cleanin’ off six platefuls

Now I would starve my own tummy
just to get my clothes fitting
There is not a platter I can’t eat all in one sitting
Before you start judging and planning intervention
my whole life isn’t spent in the kitchen or shittin’
but food is more than essentials to keep me living
it is one joy out of life, the gift that keeps giving
Not my raison d’tre just a reason to fry batter
As long as there’s pie this other shit won’t matter
lighting the grill up, now I fill up
Even that Asian kid can’t hang and would give up
Isn’t that the reason they make elastic pants stretch far?
So you can deep fry critters and make biscuits from lard?
Well guess there’s no friends for a fella like me
Someone who belches, farts and drools watching TV
People look at me funny and tell me I’m gross
Just cause I walk down the street eating pork roast
But that’s OK, you’re all fools with no pleasures at all
Except for dating and maybe the love of a girl
Sorry, I make them hurl
when I’m frenzied feeding at the food court in the mall
But how dare you point and stare at my gut
I’m proud of this shit, it was all work and no luck
Remember when your stomach next growls and kicks
How you treated a fat kid just like a weird, giant dick

[Chorus x2]
I’m sorry tummy
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to give you gas
But tonight I’m cleanin’ off six platefuls
{one more time}

I said I’m sorry tummy
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to give you gas
But tonight I’m cleanin’ off six platefuls


Original Eminem video, if you want to follow along at home.

Original lyrics and music by Jeff Bass and Marshall Mathers 2002. For more info on Eminem visit his Web site.

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