Why Being a Military Child is Difficult and the Support You Can Get

Kevyn Johnson
Aug 9, 2017 · 9 min read

Military child of 19 years and having seen my father go on eight deployments, I know the struggle.

By Kevyn Johnson


Being a military child was not at all easy. There where days where I felt all alone and days where I did not understand why my dad had to be the one to leave. Through this, you’ll see and read some of the experiences I went through and what helped me overcome them. I will provide some resources that were beneficial to me and some that will help every military family. One of the most important lessons I learned from growing up in a military family was, you are not alone and there is always someone willing to help.

My Dad and I before he left for a deployment

The military isn’t just about the soldiers who go to the Middle East or the sailors who protect the seas. It is about the children who do not get to see their mothers or fathers for months at a time. It is about the families who have to leave behind their lives as they move to another duty station. This is a sacrifice military families have to pay as their loved ones serve the country. To help cope with this issue, it is necessary for military families to care for one another physically and mentally because having a loved one away and moving is difficult and everyone needs support. From support of friends, community services, and welcoming families within the military community, families are able to get through the times of distress.

A major aspect of being in a military family is having your loved ones deployed for months at a time. Military personnel can get their orders for deployment at any time. This leaves families unsure about how long they will have with their loved ones before they deploy again. This can cause stress on the children as they have to say goodbye to their parent. A study done by Military Medicine in 2016, found that military children who have been through at least one deployment have noticed an increase in behavioral issues. These children experienced one or more of these behavioral issues; conduct problems, peer problems, hyperactivity, or even worry. (http://militarymedicine.amsus.org/doi/pdf/10.7205/MILMED-D-14-00310)

In this study by Military Medicine, a focus group of 107 children ages 12–18 years old at a camp for military children and asked them this question. Has your behavior changed since your parent was deployed? Their findings showed that “The adolescents reported talking back to their non-deployed parent and teachers more and lashing out at others over things that normally would not have bothered them”. These results show that the children become more irritated and frustrated when their deployed parent leaves. The children lash out more because of their emotional distress. Adolescents do not know how to portray their true feelings and instead resort to a feeling that is well known such as anger.

From personal experience of my father being in the Navy, I can say it was challenging to see him leave for long periods of time. My father has been on eight deployments since I was four years old. When I lived in Japan for 5 years, my Dad went on four deployments; three 6 month deployments and one 10 month deployment. He was gone for almost two and a half years. He then went on four more deployments since we moved back to the States.

In the 4 years of playing football, my dad never got to see me play in a single game. He missed my Freshman year summer select team for baseball. He missed 2 years of little league all stars. He missed many other athletic events due to him being on deployment. I was never upset with him because that was his job and I understood that, but

sometimes it was sad to look up at the audience and only see my mother in the stands.

It wasn’t just althetics he missed. He missed my academic and life achievements as well. He was not around to help me with my homework or meet my date for Homecoming.

Did it take a mental toll on me? I can say yes to that.

I felt distraught when he left. I didn’t understand why he had to be gone for so long. I could feel frustration as I just wanted my dad home for sports events, school activities, and to have all of my family together.

The reasons I was able to make it through my emotional pain was by social support within the military community. I was not the only one who was facing the same emotional problems. In Japan, I lived on a naval base, so all my friends had parents in the military as well. When one of our parents were deployed, we were able to provide support for one another. We did this by being around the other person so they never felt lonely.

This is the exact remedy needed to reduce the risk of depression and stress.

2016 High School Graduation with my best friends

A study by Psychiatry MMC showed, “rich social networks may reduce the rate at which individuals engage in risky behaviors” (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2921311/). If a child has friends who support them then it makes the transition of a parent leaving easier. They know they will have people to rely on which relieves stress. Psychiatry MMC goes on to say, “In contrast to low social support, high levels appear to buffer or protect against the full impact of mental and physical illness”.

  • If a child has no social support it is hard for them to feel supported and can spiral into emotional trouble.
  • Close friends who are going through the same thing provide each other with kindness that you will not see anywhere else.
  • High social support helps children feel like they are not forgotten.

Friends are a blessing to have, but sometimes they are not enough. Some families need more than just friendship to get through the challenges they are facing. There are many programs within the military community to assist families. They range from financial programs to support groups.

One of the issues that might arise is financial problems when a military member is wounded and cannot work. Operation Homefront is a program that tackles this issue. They offer the wounded and their families food assistance, auto and home repair, vision care, travel, and transportation, etc. Operation Homefront’s call to action is, “To get relief during a crisis, a way to regain resiliency and a little bit of recognition and recurring support for a life of sacrifice. That’s what we do at Operation Homefront… and it’s making a difference” (http://www.operationhomefront.org). They provide relief for families in tough financial situations. They promote resiliency by offering to help families gain stability in their home life. Lastly, they recognize families for their hard work at home through scholarships, squadron celebrations, and Homefront events. Programs like Operation Homefront are what makes the military community helpful and versatile.


Another aspect of the military community is relocations and leaving old lives behind. For anyone in the military, being stationed at one place their entire life will likely not happen. It is almost a guarantee that everyone will be relocated at least one time in their military career. This creates uncertainty within families about their future. Questions like, “When will we have orders to move?” or “Where are we moving next?”, are often asked by families. It can be very stressful for family members. Spouses get to know other spouses in the same squadron and children create new friends groups and start at new schools, but this is all short lived as military personnel get orders to a new station. This becomes a cycle for most families until the military member retires or gets to a high enough rank where they may choose whether to stay or go.

According to the Office of Policy Development and Research (PD&R) U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, a study done by Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health showed that the average military child moves 5.72 times in their adolescents. (https://www.huduser.gov/portal/periodicals/em/fall14/highlight1_sidebar.html). This is 5 new schools, 5 new friend groups, 5 new houses, 5 new cities, and 5 times of leaving their lives behind. This takes a toll on a child’s mental health. They are constantly saying goodbye to their best friends and having to meet new ones, which we all know is hard. This becomes hard to build a healthy friend group, as the child is afraid to get close just in case their family has to move again.

Although the relocations are difficult, the military family are fortunate enough to have support from the military community when arrived in a new area. When a family is relocated to a new station, they are joining a new squadron with new people. This may cause uneasiness for people, but the military community is welcoming and outgoing. Families already there are welcoming of their new squadron member and take them in as their own family member. This eases the concerns of individuals as they are greeted with friendly faces.

I am thankful to have grown up in community that understands the pain of having a loved one away and helped to make sure all military families were taken care of.

As for the children, the military community understands that it is hard to make friends with strangers. In result, they hold events and barbecues for the squadron so that the new family members, especially the children are able to meet other children and hopefully make friends. The children already there also know the feeling of being relocated and help other kids feel like they fit in. Military children helping others is the main reason why a family who has been recently relocated feels at home in their new squadron.

Within the military community outside the squadron itself, there are several programs set up for families to help adjust to their new community. Fleet and Family Services is the main program for new families. They provide all kinds of services such as counseling, health care, education, and most of all programs for the youth. Fleet and Family Services provides a youth center for all children and for all activities. This is a safe environment for children to be around children their own age. The youth center encourages children to explore and be themselves. It allows them to fill in their free time and be around other children instead of being at home lonely.



Activity center on NAS Whidbey Island

The program that has been the most helpful for incoming families has been the sponsorship program. From the article Nine Ways to Help Your Kids Cope with Moving, “The Sponsorship Program connects you with someone at your new location. Sponsors can help ease the transition for inbound service members, civilians and family members” (http://beta.militaryonesource.mil/-/nine-ways-to-help-your-kids-cope-with-moving?inheritRedirect=true). The sponsorship connects a family with another family that is already here. This gives this family a family friend from the beginning. The sponsorship family helps the other family by any means necessary. This could be in a form of showing them around town or being in the same extracurricular activities. These types of programs are what the military community is all about.

Being a military family is undoubtedly no easy task. They go through heartache and emotional roller coasters. They unwillingly live without a parent for months at a time, or they have to say goodbye to close friends.

BUT…

With the help of warm hearted communities, families will thankfully be granted support and love from others who can emphasize with such situations. Friends provide emotional support to cope with the one’s distress. Welcoming families make newly arrived ones feel at home again. The military community is there to help ease the pain and to have someone always there to look out for families.