I-You

There’s an old Hollywood saying that goes, “It’s not who you know, it’s who I know.” While tongue-in-cheek there is some obvious truth in it. Success is often determined by who we know and connect with. Though you may not be trying to sell a screenplay or get an artist to sing one of your songs, building healthy relationships will most likely determine whether you get a job, a promotion, or an assignment that you want. However, not all relationships should be deep and meaningful.

A lot of daily interactions are transactional. The person bagging our groceries is just that, a person bagging our groceries. We treat the person as an “It” and not as a “You.” No need to judge it, it’s just a fact of life. Many professional relationships are best served in this way. Detached surgeons or police officers just perform their jobs better. In these professions an “I-It” relationship is best as having a personal relationship with customers infuses emotion, and emotion clouds judgment.

I-It

In an “I-It” relationship, says Daniel Goleman, one person has no attunement; there is a lack of full emotional connection. This happens when we view others as instruments to be used, caring only about what we want from them. Again, it’s normal and natural to treat others as an “It,” and be treated the same in return. What’s important, though, is for us to recognize when we’re doing it and recognize when it’s appropriate or not, when it’s healthy or destructive.

Despite the reality, and necessity, of “I-It” relationships we should spend time cultivating our skill at building “I-You” relationships. And make no mistake, it is a skill and it must be practiced. In life, inside and outside of work, the rewards of “I-You” relationships abound. It’s a fact that we are happier at work if we know that our boss cares about us. After all, we join companies and quit managers. “I-You” relationships are the hallmark of great leaders and great teams. Often the difference between a championship team and the runner up is the breadth and depth of “I-You” relationships.

I–You

In an “I-You” relationship, says Daniel Goleman, both people want to enter and understand the other person’s reality. This understanding can be as simple as respect and politeness, or as complex as affection and admiration. But beware, asking questions and practicing active listening skills is a must. If we allow distractions to creep in during conversations we can turn the best “I-You” intentions into an “I-It” reality. So, if you care, keep the stare, or beware the glare and empty chair.

Empathy opens the door to “I-You” relationships. While empathy does come naturally to some people, the skill of empathy can be developed with practice. If we start with heart, with a genuine interest in other people, we can find the energy necessary to stop what we’re doing and talk to them. A defining quality of “I-You” is feeling felt and oscillating in the same rhythm. It’s really difficult to dislike something we understand, so by taking the time to understand the people around us, we will bring more joy and success into our lives, as well as the lives we touch.

Hollywood is filled with extremely talented people who never “make it.” Often it is because they failed to meet the right people and build the right relationships. After all, “It’s not who you know, it’s who I know.”

“I-It” — Treat people as a means to an end

“I-You” — The relationship is an end in itself