Matters of the Heart: How To Let Your Guard Down & Admit How You Feel
I’ll be BRUTALLY honest: I can’t say those words. I can’t. What words am I referring to? The words that articulate and express romantic feelings. I can be BRUTALLY honest and ABSOLUTELY nakedly raw about just about anything else, but when it comes to romantic feelings and admitting those feelings? It is my greatest fear, aside from snakes. I’d rather go to the Dentist and get a bikini wax, ALL in the same day. No joke.
Now, I realize that for someone who is 27, this is a rather juvenile perspective. That said, I have only been in one relationship (it was an abusive relationship). I haven’t had much experience with dating. I have mainly experienced rejection, and I am a highly sensitive and intuitive person (Empath). Also, I have managed to keep something that most women and men my age have already lost: my virginity. See, I can fully disclose pretty much anything, except for romantic feelings. It’s a BIG problem, and I know that I’m not alone as many, many other humans experience the same problem, both male & female.
So what is a girl or guy to do? I consulted Mr. James Calderon (AKA Positively James), a very dear and trusted friend who has some relationship experience under his belt and is also an Entrepreneur as well as a Medium.com Award-Winning Writer, Speaker, and a genuinely nice person :). Here is what he had to say:
KF: “Hey! I need your help with an article I’m writing for my website. I’d like to quote a reliable source and since you’re the “Heart guy” (He frequently writes about relationships and the Heart on his website www.positivelyjames.com as well as here on Medium.com.), I have a question.”
KF: “Emotionally stunted humans. I happen to be one of them. Why do people have trouble admitting romantic feelings?”
PJ: “ *Laughs* Oh man, for a variety of reasons. Plus everyone is different. I can share my fear of sharing feelings in the past….”
KF: “Go on….*laughs*”
PJ: “Relationship Challenged- Newcomers have no experience sharing. They’ve only had to worry about themselves since day one pretty much. Relationships force us to go deeper. This can be difficult if one has never experienced relating romantically.”
*SEMI-GUILTY*- Have only been in one relationship in my life thus far (if you can even call it that) and it was abusive. How are you supposed to share deeper parts of yourself when someone thinks that everything about you on the exterior is repulsive? And honestly…..What the fuck was I thinking?! Newbie mistake for sure.
PJ: “Past Hurts- Romantic love means vulnerability. When one puts everything into it and gets their heart broken, it can be scary to let someone in again.”
PJ: “Ego- Self explanatory.”
PJ: “Age- Immaturity.”
PJ: “Overthinking- Fear based.”
Okay now he must be psychic. *GUILTY*
PJ: “Insecurity- This goes hand in hand with many of the examples I’ve described above.”
PJ: “Understand that it is a catch 22 sort of. Now it would be easy for me to say that to know love would be to completely know yourself first before sharing your life with someone. On the flipside, however, relationships are one of the greatest ways to learn about ourselves. In my opinion, life experience is the greatest teacher of all.”
Shit. He’s right.
KF: “Opinions are good. I appreciate the insight. I’m not experienced in this area lol. Electronics yes. This stuff: NO.”
Now, don’t let your mind wonder into the gutter in regards to my experience with electronics. It has nothing to do with vibrators. I also have no experience with those either :).
PJ: “Haha but you reached out…..awareness is yummy and is a catalyst for great change.”
KF: “Yeah but that’s because I trust you and I needed a reliable source ;).”
PJ: “Anytime. Even after all the experience and learning done before or during relationships, it’s a lot like life — Imperfectly perfect. It’s work, individual and collaborative work!”
PJ: “Seeing growth is a wonderful thing. If both parties are willing, the longer things progress the more growth experienced. Communication and being on the same page with one another is a key ingredient here”
KF: “Okay. So, how does one fix said stunted issues *laughs*? I am in need of cause and effect here my friend *laughs*.”
PJ: “By first realizing the issue(s), being patient with yourself and knowing Rome wasn’t built in a day; picking one issue at a time and working on it, and most importantly, being honest with yourself and others.”
PJ: “It’s okay to be vulnerable and honest and let others know where we might be lacking emotionally (when the time is right of course). I’d rather be honest and have someone leave me then pretend to be something I’m not and have it fall to pieces later. Truth is, living up to what we think others want to see from us bites and is a recipe for disaster. If we are ourselves from the gate and they stick around, then they are obviously the right one. It’s cool when we get a burger that looks like it does in the picture *laughs*.”
PJ: “Romantic relationships are like following your dream. It takes a leap of faith. There is the possibility we might fail (heartbreaks), but that comes with the territory and you better believe I won’t be fostering those dark thoughts. Keep the eye on the prize mentality over here, but enjoy the journey! ❤”
*Sigh. To be honest I’m afraid of heights and any time I’ve ever really put myself out there, I’ve faced a lot of rejection. My health issues have also been perceived as problematic baggage. This is not the case, AT ALL. They are my issues and no one else’s. Period. I’m not a damsel in distress and I don’t NEED saving, which I think is what the perception that I’ve been on the receiving end of experiencing ends up being based upon. I am a STRONG woman, a CAPABLE woman, and I CERTAINLY don’t NEED saving nor do I NEED a man for that matter. Nobody wants to be alone. It sucks. Humans were not designed to be solitary creatures. Do I desire to have a partner? With the right person, of course. This is why I acknowledge this issue that I have and that I know I’m not alone in struggling with. I don’t want to be held back. I’ve been bound by too many “chains” in my lifetime and I just want to be free so that I can be open and be able to have the life that I want…..not just in this area of my life but in other areas as well.
KF: “You’re the best James! Thank you!!! ❤”
So, my take away is this: One has to be BRAVE. Open. Cautious, but willing to experience loss and the pain of Heartache instead of the agony of unrequited love. Much like Entrepreneurship (Something that James and I have in common.), you have to jump, take a leap of faith, and trust that what is meant to be will be and never give up regardless. Failures are teachers and will eventually lead to success, but only with strong focus. Also like Entrepreneurship, one learns over time what works and what doesn’t, including correct timing and order of things. It’s definitely a process, and not one to be taken lightly or feared.
Thank you again James Calderon (AKA Positively James)!!!
Appreciate you my friend :).
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Copyright 2017 — Kristina Fleischer, #womaonamission