Maintaining Your Sanity with Adolescent Boys

Kim Gauen
Kim Gauen
Aug 26, 2017 · 4 min read

Tips for re-framing your mindset when you are ready to lose control.

Adolescent boys are the best. They sit right in that rut between emotional, free-spirited, parent-loving little boys and proud, established, controlled young men. The age this magical time begins and ends varies greatly for each boy. Although it is presumptuous to gender-classify in this way, in my general experience working in schools most boys find themselves in this state of limbo at some point.

While this can be a trying time for students, teachers and parents, it is one of the times I find to be the most fascinating in the developmental spectrum and I relish the opportunity to support boys as they learn to navigate this “no man’s land.” People often comment on my level of patience in working with some of our most challenging boys, but in reality, I have developed a system of reminders that keeps me sane despite the surrounding chaos.

1. It Takes A Village

This is a cliche phrase for a reason! Boys are trying to grow up at home, school, in their friend groups and in any other environment they frequent. As a result they have to try on their attempts at growing up in each environment to find out what works where. This is exhausting. For everyone.

  • Communicate with the different adults who have relationships with that boy so you can identify the behaviors that you want to cultivate and support the growth of those behaviors.
  • Tap Out when you are reaching a frustration point and bring in another supportive person (adult, mentor, mature peer) from the boy’s village. It’s not about you so don’t stay in so long that you make it about you.

2. Relationship First

In my counseling program, I was taught to ask open ended questions to avoid one word answers. This hardly ever works with adolescent boys. Their ability to make every answer into 1–3 words (the 3 word maximum being, “I don’t know”) is pretty incredible, actually.

  • Ask a lot of questions, focusing on easy questions first, to build your relationship (i.e. How was your weekend? What do you like to do? What’s your favorite subject?, etc). Be sure you listen to their (abysmally short) responses so you can reference them later. We all like to be heard and these boys make it easy so don’t squander the opportunity. Accept the eye rolls and the grunts and moans because if they haven’t walked away, you are doing something right.
  • Be consistent. With everything else they need to worry about, it is helpful to know that there is someone who will respond and react the same way every time. My favorite general approaches include: You can’t surprise me with your stories, language or actions; I’m a little crazy, I own it and it works for me; I will listen, sympathize, then challenge you to push through it.
  • Don’t hold a grudge because they won’t either. Every day, every interaction is a new opportunity to try again. As they try on different hats, attitudes and behaviors, there will inevitably be good days and bad days but it is all experimentation so address the behaviors that shouldn’t make the cut and encourage those that should!

3. The Anxiety Is Real

Whether it is diagnosed or not, undoubtedly almost every adolescent boy is dealing with some anxiety as they undergo their transition. Who wouldn’t?! Your voice and body are changing uncontrollably, you typically have two big school transitions to make and you are suddenly much more aware of gender roles and how society (and your friends) believe you should behave to fit into them. Conform to a constantly changing standard or risk social isolation. Yikes!

  • Don’t personalize their behaviors because those behaviors are largely reactions to the physical or psychological environment of that boy. Be aware, though, that the way you said or did something may have been a trigger. Outside of your control, yes. Something you can adjust to in the future? Possibly, just know the trigger can constantly change so you will need to face failure with a willingness to try again. There is always a fresh start!
  • Have private conversations. Whether you are offering feedback, criticism or a listening ear, you are more likely to receive a positive response if you do this away from the prying ears of friends, and preferably unnoticed. There are so many social stigmas, boys are quick to shut down with adults in general, but more likely to open up with they feel safe from peer judgement.

4. Love Them Like Your Own

As your own child goes through their trials and tribulations, you flit around between rolling your eyes, pulling your hair out, laughing with them (and secretly at them), and questioning every parenting decision you’ve ever made. In the end, though, you have to believe that they are a good soul and the decisions, conversations, consequences and love you’ve shared with them in the past will carry them through the phases that make you seriously consider military school.

This is the approach you must take with adolescent boys.

You must believe they are good, they need love, they will find success and you can make a difference. That way you can continue pushing them back to class everyday they show up in the office because “their teacher hates them,” welcome them back into your classroom after their eyes shot daggers and they called your class stupid thirty minutes earlier, or try another new strategy for helping them get organized when that permission slip got lost…again.

Does the repetitive, inexpiable, immature, obnoxious, frustrating behavior of adolescent boys still get my blood boiling some days? Absolutely! But by embracing this experience as an endearing developmental necessity, working with these students has become a favorite aspect of my job.

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Kim Gauen

Written by

Kim Gauen

K-12 School Counselor: 21st Century eSchool/Clark Street Community School/MCPASD

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