Night 16 Jul 26

It’s 11:11pm. I need to sleep as my day tomorrow starts at 5:30am, drive dad to work, stop by at 7-Eleven on my way back to try out Android Pay and get my first morning coffee. I wouldn’t drink it right away. Mind Over Matters on KEXP and Morning Edition on KPLU keeps me awoken enough to drive from dad’s workplace back home.

Then, I go to sleep, again.

But that doesn’t last long as I have to wake up at 8.30, get breakfast, then drive mom to school. It’s summer. She goes to school, I stay at home. No job. NEET.

We bought a condo. Not far away from where we’re at right now, but not too close either. The rent went up, and we inevitably have to move out.

I’ll be expecting a modem router tomorrow. Not sure where I’ll get it, I haven’t figured where packages are at the new place. Doesn’t matter. It’ll keep my mind occupied longer as I don’t want to think too much about other things.

Ironically, the reason I’m writing this is probably because I’m over-thinking them.

I’m new to the States. I got here March of last year. No foreigner can fully integrate within a year. Or maybe that’s the conclusion I end up based on my anecdotes.

The city here is wonderful. So are many people. I’m going to university this September so mystery lies ahead. But for now, I’m stuck between cultures.

I’m now struggling at the decision of giving up my old relationships. I’ve never felt like they’re genuine. Maybe because no relationships established before the age of 15 can be considered genuine, or maybe I’m just trying to make up a reason to do that because I think those relationships do not matter anymore.

I never liked prolonging relationships after circumstances that prevents me from having physical interactions with the other person. I’m not good at communicating in real life (online might be just as bad) though I do prefer having conversations with people face to face. That is, if I really and truly am completely open and comfortable with the person. I guess it’s the same for everyone, so I’m not that special.

I’m in crisis. I feel uneasy. I try to keep calm, and I don’t know why I’m uneasy. I should relax. I worry about things I could care less about. People told me that. I understand what they’re trying to tell me. But how should I relax myself from thinking?

I’ve always believed that keeping myself productive is the best way to not think about stupid things. But that doesn’t mean stupid things will go away. I guess it’s the same as ignoring social problems when they exist. But you can’t hide from problems forever. So I’ll have to deal with it sooner or later. It is not “later” now.

In fact, thinking about “later” makes me not want to tackle the problems anymore. There is simply risks I’m not willing to take……

…… I have not explained my problems.

It’s people, and me. I don’t know how much should I express myself. At the same time, I do not want to be alone. It’s greedy, especially when you don’t want to care too much about other people either.

I have made odd stuff that speaks my heart more than my other usual creative outlets. I notice the people whom I respect ignore it. That’s fine… of them. But it keeps me thinking: Is what truly represents myself that scares people away from me? For now, I can only care less. (Trying to) answer(ing) that question drives me nuts, every time.

I’m going insane. I think —that’s what cause it.

It’s 11:51PM. I’m going to sleep. I have 5 hours until I have to drive.

-kpn

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