Nov15 2016

Lots of things happened last week. New president is elected. Everything went a little bit madder. For some reasons, I feel so distant from this messy world the last week.

I have never felt so happier.

We confessed and talked about our emotions. It is all so clear now, after our hang outs, we never really are direct.

He is so compassionate, so generous, so full of love that I have to admire. In the early days, I didn’t really care. We were just two quirky guys. He would sat with me at lunch and talk. It is only now that I recognize this…

I was always good on my own, alone. But since last Friday, I have been so emotional. Yesterday, I wasn’t able to fall asleep for hours because I was in tears. My nose was stuffed. My mind flooded with thoughts of imaginary situations, the possibilities of the unfortunates, and my undetermined future.

Why was I so apathetic, so cold, when he was just a friend whom I’d show around town? The museums, the cafés, the restaurants we went to. I was never so emotional then… It was only when he gave me my birthday gifts that my heart felt heavier.

I pushed him onto the bus because I had my maths homework due that day. I am so dumb.

Next week, I brought him to my place. We were quite. We went to dinner, again. And this time, when we were on the platform of the subway to go home, he said he liked me. I queried of his reason to such conclusion. He said I was humble. The trip was quiet. I was still “strong”?.

It was only last Friday when I was in his room, and we really confessed our feelings. My words weren’t fluid, I stuttered. I told him I was afraid of commitment because I think I might cheat, that I might think too much about it. He consoled me, and I was relieved.

So emotional, I have to type it out, or I’ll end up crying again.

I feel so greedy after this wonderful weekend that I shied away from politics.

Trains of thoughts.

-kpn

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