I love her. No more reasons, no more explanations. But the problem is I couldn't really decipher if she loves me as well. Or at the very least if I have a chance.
It was November, the start of the second semester when I saw her enter the room. She was late and she was not wearing our school uniform, despite of the fact that the rule of wearing school uniform was severely implemented in our university that pursues discipline so stringently. That’s why I immediately thought she was a wayward kind of gal. At that time, I never really thought that I would feel something for her. Yes, she had my eyes on her. She was a beauty, you know. Aside from that, she was just kind of simple and plain, and as the adage goes, simplicity is beauty.
As time goes by, seeing her every day gives me a different feeling. Like whenever I see her enter the room or sitting inside the class, my day was just somehow complete. I wasn't really trying to entertain that emotion but I can’t deny the fact already. The feeling was already prevalent. It’s like a disease that I couldn't heal anymore if I won’t give it a solution. Exaggerated, you might say but honestly, what I felt was more than that. I just couldn't put it into words.
Days passed and unconsciously, what I felt for her went deeper. Sometimes I was unaware that I was already looking, if not gazing, at her for hours. I would stop if she noticed, if my friends noticed, or worst if our teacher noticed me looking so impassive. What actually made me head over heels with her was her smile. Her sweet smile. This sounds cliched but it’s true. Her smile was what spellbound my eyes and captured my heart. And so, I made a decision, I like her and I’d do anything for her to like me as well.
I know I’m not a unique person, and I don’t really have any idea how to communicate with her at school because she’s somehow preoccupied with her friends and she listens very well throughout boring discussions of our various teachers. And aside from that, we are miles apart. She’s seated at the front while my friends and I were seated at the back. So, I used the medium of communication most people are using now, a cell phone. I’m not really proud of it but how can I intervene with her friends without her really knowing me? How can I disturb her in a class where we are miles apart? And it’s rude to intrude someone’s concentration, you know.
The first message I sent her left no reply. The second was the same. I don’t want to do it the third time but my hands won’t follow me so I sent another. But still, there’s no reply. I intentionally didn't put my name so that she could at least ask me as her reply, but unfortunately there’s none. I thought, maybe the number my friend gave me was wrong but I myself encoded it and I checked it not once but twice before saving it in my phone. Maybe my intuition was right; she’s not really interested in things like this.
December came and I haven’t officially met her yet. Yes, we’re classmates but like I wrote earlier, and I’ll write it the third time, were miles apart. She catches me looking at her sometimes. I somehow thought there’s a connection but I never really get my hopes up. But then, fate was somehow in my favor one December night. Our adviser decided to have a Christmas party in one of the finest places in town. Thankfully, most of our classmates are party-lovers, that’s why it was easily settled. But wait, she’s not coming! The party was scheduled at the beginning of Christmas vacation and she’s actually not from around the city that’s why she still needs to go to her hometown where she would spend her vacation. But luckily, some of my friends persuaded her. I can read from her face that even if she managed to say yes, she’s still unwilling to come. Nevertheless, this chance that was given to me by fate, I will never let it pass.
The night of the party came. I was the first to arrive. I didn't know if I was excited or I was nervous. I’m ecstatic to see her and spend time with her but I’m anxious that she might not come. Few moments had passed and the place was nearly full of people arriving in their tux and cocktail dresses. Few more hours had gone and the place was already compact. I’m already spending the remaining time with my friends before the party officially kicked off but still, she’s nowhere to be seen. I didn't know but I felt my heart melt into sadness. I was really expecting her to come. The emcee, also our classroom president, finally grabbed the microphone and blabbed about everything regarding the yuletide season and the connection of our party to it. I can’t concentrate to anything. I really thought she was coming. I turned my back and pushed my way to the balcony. I was half-way near the doors when I bumped into someone. I said my apologies before I turned my head to face the person I bumped into and when I saw that person’s face, I was gravely sorry, and embarrassed at the same time. There she was; smiling at me, telling me it’s fine. She was wearing an elegantly made white dress, and her hair neatly curled and tied at the lower side of the back of her head. She looked perfectly like an angel in disguise. Of course, I didn't continue my original plan to spend the rest of the night at the balcony. Instead I stopped there and grabbed the opportunity destiny has finally given to me.
We spent the night talking to each other that I hope it wouldn't end. I learned a lot of things about her that made me like her even more. There are times that I couldn't really understand what she’s talking about but her smile just says it all. The more she smiles, the more I keep on falling for her. At this point in time, I don’t like her anymore. I love her.
As the Christmas vacation begins, I stopped texting her. I started calling her. Those calls gave us a connection, not just through communication but through our hearts as well. I know she also feels something for me. I can feel it in my bones. And what’s the most effective solution to a doubtful mind? Of course a question. I can’t contain it anymore so I asked her if she’s already taken. She said no. My heart rejoiced at the thought but then she added, “I’m not yet interested.” My goodness. I was flabbergasted. I asked her again why she isn't interested. Then she answered with a little annoyance in her voice that I could sense, “Why? Should I be interested?” My heart somehow skipped a beat after she finished her words. It’s as if I was already turned down even before I asked. But at that point, I was brave enough to continue my plot. I told her I wanted to court her. I can hear her grin through the phone. It was long before she answered that she can’t. She said her parents’ were strict, the usual rationale. When I asked her when I can court her, she didn't directly respond. Instead, she said she needs to finish her studies first before her parents’ permit her. I never thought people like her still existed. It truly boggles my mind how she can truly follow her parents’ commands most especially that nowadays nearly every teenager already do things their way, with or without parents’ permission. And technically she’s not a teenager already. She’s already in college for goodness sake.
I told her that I’ll wait for her then. She giggled, and said it’s up to me. I was determined to get a positive answer, but then patience is still a virtue, so I just let the subject cool off. Little by little, she will say yes. Since that time, I never stopped checking up on her through calls and texts. I think that was the best Christmas vacation I ever had. Even though our communication is only through a medium, even though I can only hear her voice, and even though I can only imagine her smile, I can feel that our relationship was getting more passionate. I know we’re nearly there.
Classes finally resumed. The first day that I thought would be somehow new for the both of us felt kind of complicated for me. I couldn't grab a chance to be with her or to even talk to her face to face. The relationship I thought we built throughout Christmas vacation was no longer very evident. I can feel her distancing from me. I can feel like she’s averting from me. And mostly, I can feel like she’s just looking through me. I thought we already had the connection but I was wrong. It felt like everything that had happened was nothing to her. For days, that state went on and on. I was always trying to get close to her but the odds were just not in my favor. Then I remembered. She’s not interested. Right then and there, I realized the fact that she might be brushing away her thoughts of me already. That notion dreaded me that one night when I called her, instead of achieving my goal to be with her, I was somehow pushed away because of my intense determination. I asked her again the question but still, her answer was the same. What do you expect from a girl whose priority was studies and haven’t really had a relationship since birth? Out of my fortitude, I suddenly asked her how her parents’ could know if we had a relationship. They can never know our relationship for the time being if she won’t let them. And that was the grievous mistake that I did. I forced her. And because of that, she finally said the rightful words. “No, I’m sorry I can’t.”
A blade thrust into my heart, that’s how those words felt like. It was like all the goodness in the world vanished into thin air. I loved her so much I didn't recognized what I was asking from her anymore. Since then, our communication died down. I actually deleted her number as well as the messages I kept to somehow obliterate all my memories of her.
At school, it was more complicated than ever. I don’t want to be harsh but suddenly everything somehow turned into animosity. I hated her sweet smile. I hated her endearing giggle. I hated her effortless beauty. I hated the way she reminded me of the feelings I once felt when I was in love with her. But most especially, I hated the fact that I couldn't hate her as much as the fact that I still love her. Yes, I still love her. Foolish as it may seem but that’s what I honestly feel.
I was challenged about her. Maybe that was one of the facts why I don’t want to let go easily even though she wants me to. Actually, she’s one in a million. I’ve had experienced a bunch of relationships before but I never encountered a girl like her. So simple yet complicated. That’s why fate whispers into my ear that she is the one. She’s my Ms. Right.
As I reminisce the past, I understood the present clearly. With all of those smiles she had given me. With all of those conversations she spent with me. With all of those messages she sent to me. With everything that has happened to us, I’m sure she felt something for me. She might love me, but she’s not yet ready. She might answer me positively, but she’s not quite sure yet. She might have a lot of reasons, but that’s just who she is.
I’m not really a religious type of person nor has a god-like attitude. But as they say, nothing’s impossible with Him. Yes, I’m looking at this scenario of my life as an impossible-quest-to-surpass challenge already. I know it wouldn't be easy, but I never knew it would be this hard. I guess, I’ll just have faith in Him and hope that I’ll have her someday in some other way. Who knows where luck might lead us. As long as she’s stays single, I know I have the chance.