Why I Can’t Leave My Abuser?

This is an answer for those who feel trapped in an abusive relationship.

I had found it difficult to leave, not only because my friend was a narcissist creep that didn’t leave me alone. But it was also that I couldn’t leave her.

After one year of leaving a toxic relationship, and as I reflected on my whole journey -of two years- with my abusive ex-friend, I realized that I knew it was toxic since the beginning but something kept me away from letting it go. Every time I spot a red flag- and gosh there were many- I just couldn’t simply leave her. I felt trapped, and there were times where I hoped that time would pass fast so that this friendship would come to an end, but after every intense abusive situation I had found it more difficult to leave, not only because my friend was a narcissist creep that didn’t leave me alone. But it was also that I couldn’t leave her. And now as I look back at all the horrible mental and emotional abuse I was exposed to on daily basis, I wonder why I couldn’t just leave. Why is it so hard to get rid of a toxic person? Until I came across this line:

“I think if he hit her more often; she would leave him. If he were just a little more of a bastard maybe we could finally go. But he is always sorry. And she always believes him”

-Everything, Everything.

And that was the answer I needed to hear, she was not a bitch more often, if she acted like a bitch the whole time I would have left easily or perhaps I wouldn’t have had her as my friend in the first place. But, she was at times a decent friend. And I think this is the trap that we fall into when we are engaged in a toxic relationship. This is the reason why neither I nor you could leave a toxic relationship that easily. Once we establish a bond with a toxic person -as with anyone else- we dig for the good in them. They might be passively aggressive to us all week but we choose to stay for the one day where they weren’t. They can lie to us multiple times but we choose to stay for the one time they apologized when they got caught. They would cheat on us but we choose to stay because we believe they won’t repeat it since we have forgiven them. And then we become blinded by the few good traits that they possess, but which will never stop them from being the bastards they chose to be.

…in a toxic relationship, a person is never attempting to change.

It is true that none of us is fully good or bad, and we all fall differently on that scale. I am not saying that we should leave anyone who lied, cheated on us or did us wrong; we all have our own toxic patterns that we struggle with. But here I am talking about the type of people that they are helpless of change such as narcs. This is the fine line between a healthy relationship and a toxic one. There is no denial that a healthy relation has its arguments, fights and dark days, but whenever an intense situation appears, the persons committed in this relationship are always willing and seeking to change their toxic behaviors to make it work. However in a toxic relationship, a person is never attempting to change.

Our hope of them changing shouldn’t be our excuse to stay trapped in these types of relationships.

I know that changing someone for better is a noble act and can seem like the most “human” thing to do. And this is your relationship test. Here where you can confirm whether to leave or not. When you try to make it work but never see any changes on short and long terms. The abuse and toxicity are always there, it may vary in degree and frequency but it is still there, and they are never willing to change it. Our hope of them changing shouldn’t be our excuse to stay trapped in these types of relationships. Our empathy to our abuser should not be mixed with our responsibility to stay with them until they change or until we change them. We can still empathize with them and love them but not on the cost of our own sanity and mental health.