Autobiography of the Man who respects women more than himself: Origins- Josh Woodbeck


I couldn't see anything. I woke up disoriented in a dark place struggling to get a grasp what was happening. I wonder if I was dead; I hoped that I was dead. I did not try to get up nor make sense of what was happening, primarily because I knew why I was here. I had been banished to purgatory for failing to defend the fairer sex and now I must face the consequences. I braced myself for the impending doom that awaited me and whatever demonic long dicked savages that may attempt to break down my chivalrous composure. I was prepared to face off against any historically infamous misogynist bastards that dwelt in this realm. Including the consistently repulsive John F Kennedy, the Goliath of slut shamming Wilt Chamberlain, and last but not least, the glorified womanizer Johnny Bravo; pitiful excuses for men that make me scoff in disgust. I laid there for what felt like days, but I was in no rush to go anywhere, I had no motivation or purpose in life to keep me going. I laid there until I noticed another presence amongst the darkness, a very warm and welcoming presence. I got up and began exploring what I assumed to be eternal fire (although it was actually quite chilly I wished I had been murdered with a warm jacket on). Enticed with the idea of what this benevolent presence could be, I walked anxiously toward the warmth. Eventually I got to a point where the darkness solidified and the rest of the space became occupied with unidentifiable mass; I could go no further. I began troubleshooting the possibilities, had I fallen into a trap? As I was contemplating, I felt the wholehearted presence move towards me. Adrenaline kicked in and I frantically tried to escape, but the way which I had come solidified as well, I was stuck. Now, the only thing standing between me and this positive energy was this wall of darkness. I did not know whether to panic or remain calm, it was hard to gauge what was going to happen next. Just as I started becoming accustomed to the darkness, it shattered. I fell onto a hardwood surface, momentarily blinded by an inundation of light like a newborn baby. I gathered my faculties and took in my surroundings; my new environment was a stark contrast from the presumed hell which I had just escaped. I was in a bedroom with Lil Wayne posters covering the wall and hyphy music playing in the background. I was now fully exposed to the warm aura I had felt earlier, close up the aura felt……pretty. I slowly glanced up and was taken aback by what I saw. I immediately got up and bowed to pay my respects to the icon that stood before me. He humbly waved his hand dismissing the quasi-deification. “Hello, my friend”, he said softly. I was still in awe, he quickly took notice and tried to make me more comfortable. “Do not worry, Lil B is your friend!”, he said.

I could not believe it, the man who taught me everything I knew about respect women was now before me, this was a great honor. I finally gathered my composure and asked, “How did I get here? Am I dead?”. He bursts out laughing, “ No, you are not dead”, he said amused. “You time on earth was not finished, you still have great things to do”, he began walking over to a stainless steel cooking pot filled with a mysterious liquid. “Come he said I’ll show you”, I walked over and he waved his had over the pot and an image formed before my eyes and what I saw was disturbing. I looked into the stainless steel cauldron of fortune and saw the world in chaos. Slut shamming was running rampant and no women were being appreciated, it was as if the world had regressed back to the 19th century. For a second I thought I was looking into the past until I saw him. It was him, standing complacently above the Armageddon like this.

I was appalled from what I saw. “How could this have happened Lil B?”, I bellowed. He looked at me and said reassuringly “It didn't happen, not yet at least but this is the future if you give up on what you were born to do”. He waved his hand again and the image disappeared. “But I wasnt good enough the first time, I was the reason he even became this powerful.” I said sadly. He looked at me pitifully, we sat there quiet until he finally broke the silence. “You cant give up! The world is counting on you. Everything happens for a reason, for reasons we do not know this was meant to happen and you cant just give up on all the women in the world because you took one loss. There’s more on the line than your pride!” he pleaded. I looked at him then looked at the ground in shame, I just couldn't do it. Silence consumed the room once again, The BasedGod went over to his dresser and extracted something from its contents. He walked over to me and said “ Here, take this”. I looked down and saw a durag in his hand, I accepted it. “Put it on, it will give you the strength to move forward with your mission”, he followed up. I complied; immediately I felt a surge of power flow through my body, a power I had never known. I immediately felt rejuvenated and back to my old self. “Good!”,he exclaimed. “After your passing former disciple forms a meninist militia under the name 24 dedicated to spreading misogyny across the universe and you are the only one who can stop them”. I was naturally taken back by what I was just told. “ You were born to do this and you are the only man with a heart big enough and a penis tiny enough to pull this off. All other men were born corrupted by nature, but you can change this if you wish. I want you to leave BasedWorld, return to Earth and dedicate the rest of your life to the admiration of women and destroy all those who oppose you in your efforts!” he shouted. “NO MORE! NOW GO!”.

I woke up in a durag to the sounds of heart monitors and medical technicians. I had been in a coma for 6 months caused by the heartache of having my woman cheat on me and my pupil attempting to murder me. “He’s…….He’s alive!!!!!!!!!” exclaimed one of the medical technicians as she noticed my eyes open. I sat up and took in the energy from medical technicians who were elated to see the man they presumed dead alive and well. “He’s made a full recovery!” said the doctor. I took out my IV and feeding tube then hopped out my hospital bed. I went into the bathroom and looked into the mirror and looked at wounds from the 9 bullets; I was lucky to be alive. I changed into my quasi-feminist superhero uniform which consisted of Ecko Unlimited and a Durag. A nurse approached me on my way out from the hospital and said “We’re all really glad to have you back, my daughter admires you and told me she didn't feel safe without you around”. I looked at her then at the floor and thought that maybe I really am meant to do this and went out the door. The day I went out that door was the day I dedicated my every waking moment to destroying the libertine mafia that was 24. I wont stop until I obliterate Josh Woodbeck from the face of the earth and all can be good again in the world. I dont have my own agenda when I do this, I do it for the greater good.

I do it for the ladies.