I spent 25 hours trying to give birth to my son. It took 2 hours of pushing to get his enormous, blonde head out of my lady bits. I had what is commonly referred to as “cheeseburger crotch” by post-labor women for about 2 weeks. God, I wish I could unlearn what that looks and feels like. It’s like your ass fell off, and is trailing around down between your legs. Only, it’s your vagina, and it feels inside out.

Needless to say, I was terrified I was going to be stuck with this horrible feeling forever. I mean, nobody tells you this stuff. No one says, “By the way, sweetheart, you are going to wonder if your hoo-ha is going to shrink back from the gaping hole it feels like right after birth.” They only tell you how amazing it feels to see your baby, how wonderful motherhood is, yada yada yada. No one tells you that it’s ok to mourn your loss of a functional crotch status.

So, I just did my mourning in the peace of my bathroom. I ended up having to see the midwife because I was dealing with pain from episiotomy stitches, and she saved my life by saying, “Oh, you are bouncing back wonderfully!” I popped my head up, whispering, “Really?? I can be normal again??” She took the time to fill me in on the normal healing time, how things should look, tips and tricks to get better, etc. Hallujah. I was saved. I think my husband was happy to hear I was normal, too, since he had no idea what was going on down in my nether region, and was worried he was never going to have sex again. Poor man. I almost felt sorry for him.

From that point forward, I spent a bit of time every day recuperating. I have heard the horror stories of women who could never hold their pee again, so I did Kegels routinely. I heard about infected stitches, so I sat in a warm Epsom salt bath every day for 2 weeks, which also turned out to be good relaxation mama time, too. I had been warned about having sex too early, so we held back the full 6 weeks and then some. But by the time 8 weeks rolled around, I could honestly say I felt pretty normal again.

While all of this could sound petty and ridiculous, it was important to me to recover my womanhood. While it doesn't have to be in great shape to survive, having a functional and happy vagina is something most women take for granted…until childbirth. Then you realize how important things like pain-free sex is to your marriage. You realize it is part of your identity, the ability to enjoy your partner in the ways you feel good about. You have just become a whole new person, a mother, and having all of these changes can make things seem so rocky. To know that you can and will heal is such a liberating feeling.

I am not the same person anymore. I am the mother to a 2 1/2 yr old boy. I am the wife to a man who saw me through some tough shit, and loves me because of it. I am a woman, proud of her identity. And I am grateful to my lovely lady parts, for teaching me how strong and resiliant I can be. It was a good lesson.