Who let me adult? Resolving to regress

As I rang in the New Year with friends, family, reflections, and dumpling rice cake soup for a touch of luck I couldn’t help but reflect on the past year with a mixed bag of nostalgia, happiness, regret, and gratitude. With the advent of a clean slate our natural inclination is to make resolutions — goals for improvement, atonement for mistakes, and endeavors for change. And while I did my fair share of toasting to a glorious, golden future I’m reminded of the need to recognize the ways in which the last 365 days did not go the way as planned, the ways in which life threw its wildest curveballs, and how these have been formative in their humbling teaching.

The things I’ve come to learn:

-That gratitude is the cornerstone of humility while pride is the manifestation of selfish sufficiency and the recognition of the ways in which we fall short of unfounded expectations.

-That it is far more rewarding to give a gift than to receive one — especially gifts of friendship, love, forgiveness, and generosity — gifts I fall short of giving every day and have been tremendously fortunate to receive.

-That as you get older you care far less about what people think about you but this shouldn’t be an excuse to become degenerate — in character or in hygiene.

-That we can and should take pride in ‘work’ and ‘productivity’ but when these become the foundations of idolatry and identity, course correction will come at the most inopportune and essential times.

-That compromise is difficult and sacrifice unthinkable, but both in due order and execution are magical.

-That at the decrepit age of 25 I am by no means an adult who needs or should have her life together. The older I get the more I endeavor to regress — regress back to delighting in the innocence of childlike wonder, curiosity, and simplistic joys found in the most unassuming and unexpected of places.

The times in 2015 when I have failed, been humbled, broken, lost, and deficient are far too numerous to count, as are the times when I have been shown grace, laughed until I’ve ugly-cried, and been moved by beautiful acts, stories, and people. By no means will I become a more hard-working, loving, generous, and fearless person overnight, over the next few months, over the next few years. I am continuously reminded of how immature and selfish I can be and how deficient of a sister, daughter, friend, human I am. And as time continues its ceaseless march I know that the coming years and decisions will only get more difficult and severe in their consequences. But as 2016 begins with the sun and one more cup of coffee I am inordinately grateful. Grateful to be able to reflect on a year of transition, pain, growth, and happiness with friendship and laughter, imbued with a palpable determination to keep moving forward regardless of where these feet will land.