The Truce Between A Rebellious Daughter And A Strong-willed Asian Mum

5 lessons I have learned to mend the broken relationship with my mum without killing each other in the process

What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of your mum? For me, it’s the comfortable feeling when I go home, knowing that she will always be there for me and the piping hot Teochew steamed fish on the table every time when I travel home.

As an Asian daughter, my mum gives me lots of freedom in life (I think it’s also because I’ve never told her about some of the things I have done in my life). I love her to bits, but it wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows growing up.

When I was little, my mum and I had countless terrifying fights at home and often they turned very physical as well. Many times I was left bruised and sapped. But after all these years of growing into adulthood and developing my self esteem, we now have a great relationship, albeit with the occasional fireworks.

I must admit that it is not just me; my mum has also made tremendous efforts to change herself to improve her relationship with me. And now, I would like to share with you the five lessons I have learned that helped to solve the conflicts and heal our relationship.

Lesson 1 Don’t be afraid to stand your ground — even with your parents

Coming from a small Asian village, people talked a lot and everyone was somehow related to each other one way or another. Being a rebellious child, I was infamous, widely known as the unruly daughter next door that everyone pointed fingers at. My mum never failed to use it as a weapon against me, and said things such as, “See? That third grand-aunty also said that you are a bad girl!” However, also thanks to my mum, I have inherited every single ounce of stubbornness that I could squeeze out of her blood. I was never afraid of the judgemental looks I received from the community. This lack of concern on my part certainly fuelled the cold war between my mum and I over the years, but strangely, after I had grown up, she actually respected me more for it.

Lesson 2 Don’t be afraid to speak up and share your feelings

My mum believed in telling my siblings and I exactly what she thought of us, without any filters. She used to tell me regularly that I was the ugliest child in the family. She meant no harm, but my self esteem certainly took some knocks as I was growing up. After years of personal work and learning to accept myself, I finally opened up and explained to her how it had damaged my self esteem. I noticed a hint of regret in her eyes as she explained that she was just telling the truth, but somehow, she has never repeated that line since. My speaking up opened a channel between my mum and I formed a basis of a healthier relationship.

Lesson 3 Don’t be afraid to take time out

Taking some time away from my mother saved our relationship. Once I dated a man 20 years older than me. It was a great relationship, I learned a lot and grew up tremendously because of it, but of course, my mum was not happy and I understood why. In order to stop me dating this man, my mum decided to use her trump card and gave me an ultimatum: “It’s me or him!” And guess what, I chose him! This was the trigger of a cold war that lasted for almost 3 years. However, I have never regretted it, because she and I learned to love each other better during this period when we were apart from each other.

Lesson 4 If necessary, take a step back

My mum and I don’t see each other regularly, but we are on the phone constantly. Being part of a typical Chinese family, it was and still is awkward to say sorry to each other even though we know we did something wrong. Be it raising our voices unnecessarily or hanging up on each other angrily mid-sentence. After all these years, we have established an unwritten agreement that one of us will call the other back as a gesture of peace. Once the olive branch is accepted, everything is water under the bridge.

Lesson 5 Believe that everything will be okay in the end

Finally, all the unbearable pain, fights and tears will be history as both parties learn to adjust and accept each other. During moments of conflict, it may seem that family ties will be cut forever. But seeing how I survived all those difficult times with my family and how our relationship flourishes now, my words of advice are just be gentle with yourself and trust that everything will be okay in the end. At the end of the day, they will always be your family.