Things we can’t forget…
Things we won’t regret…
At the young age of (…), I have never felt so ‘old’ in my life. Every time I alight from the jeepney at around 10 o’clock at night, I always feel the burdens come rushing towards me. I cannot stay at rest…it seems like everything are now in my head. I can’t forget the things I haven’t done. I can’t get the pressure out of my heart. I can’t get myself to sleep.
I remember the times when all I think of was where am I going to go to right after school. It was such a filthy activity — to go out with your uniform still on and roam around the city like some sort of mayor or councilor. I travelled from one village to another by feet, with friends who are very noisy and playful. We visited schoolmates together. We knocked on their doors and do nothing but look at them as they get out of the house to answer us.
These past few days have been very harsh, rather, violent to my mind and body. As I open my eyes every morning, I literally feel that they are both shutting down in the same pace my sleepyhead is overcoming my half-conscious mind. Well…the eyebags are getting bigger, I guess. (Just hoping that the waist is getting thinner too…impossible)
I remember the days when I faked sleeping one afternoon. I think I was about 7 or 8 years old then. I didn’t want to sleep and it’s not my thing. I play and play and play all afternoon, and sometimes, even from dusk till dawn.
Now, as I force myself to sleep, I cannot forget the things I have to accomplish tomorrow. I keep on thinking how my works can be done if there are proctoring, teaching, and meeting. The time is so limited I almost wanted to give up.
I remember the days when I have to do some projects. Sometimes, I almost run out of time. I did not sleep. I did not enjoy. I did not socialize. For a day I kept on doing the things that have to be done. At those points, I thought those were already the hardest.
I remember when I get home late because I went to the mall with my friends.
I remember when I earned money and didn’t pay bills.
I remember when I was alive and dreamt everyday for myself and for my family.
Everything has been compromised. I come home late because I work late. I pay bills because no one can suffice it aside from me. I dream not for myself or my family, but for the kids. Things are excruciating and the goals of my life are too vague to visualize.
But, at this point, I know I have to stand tall.
I can’t be weak in front of others…my students…my children. As a mother of 188 kids I can’t go around and cry like a baby.
Let me just say good night for now, and I’ve got some ‘motherly duties' tomorrow.