Cherry Popper
Inadvertently, the first thing I do in the morning is read the Pakistani news. Dawn for information and Tribune for entertainment. This has been a habit that has remained constant throughout my now 6 years of living abroad. Thousands of miles away, far removed from the implications of most developments, the thing that is unfailingly top of mind is the state of affairs in Pakistan. Perhaps it is the distance. Perhaps it’s a manifestation of home sickness. Perhaps I should find better uses of my time. Whatever it is — it occurred to me that I would probably enjoy penning down my own thoughts and opinions on a regular basis.
First, on coups and the likes: pretty hilarious overall what with all those posters, subsequent denials and finger wagging statements being issued. Lesson learned: if you’re a non-starter political entity that just wants to gain some quick attention, start talking about coups. Or, in simpler terms, paisa phaink or tamasha dekh, with the ‘paisa’ in question being almost free in this case (banners can’t be all that expensive?). In case anyone missed the irony, the political party calling for martial law is called ‘MoveOn Pakistan’. A more suitable name in the context might be ‘Back to the Future Pakistan’.
Jokes aside, pretty amazing how squirmish/alarmed (depending on which side you’re on) coup talk will make people. Speaks to the continuing mistrust and suspicion that the PML-N and the Army view each other with. People tend to overlook that the Army has no interest in taking over when it already gets its way on all things foreign/security policy related. Remaining in the background allows the Army to retain a positive national approval rating, while still being able to control key issues, all while having a constant scapegoat (scapelion?) at the ready. Taking over would be akin to forcing oneself to run the daily operations of a company when you already control the board.
Next — on Kashmir, Burhan Wani and unrest: this was simply a matter of time. The Indian Army has treated Muslims in Kashmir like shit and the shitbirds are finally coming home to roost. This is great for Pakistan. There’s nothing quite as satisfying as homegrown unrest that validates Pakistan’s position on Kashmir. Question remains as to whether the unrest continues, gets exacerbated, and if so, what level of exacerbation warrants the international community taking serious notice/action. The Indians are unsurprisingly seething at the smug look we have on our faces right now, and will have to face a difficult choice: do they crack down harder on protesters and quell it by force, or give the movement legitimacy by trying to reconcile? Interesting times ahead. Probably a safe bet that they’ll try to up the ante in Balochistan too.
On U.S-Pak relations — Sartaj Aziz keeps blaming ‘Indian lobbies’ for the congressional level questioning of Pakistan’s status as a U.S ally. This is weak sauce. Everyone lobbies, and if you were better at your job/had an actual ministerial position, maybe you’d be in a better position to affect some lobbying for Pakistan. Nawaz’s failure to appoint a real foreign minister, and the N’s general lack of wherewithal when it comes to managing foreign relations is harming the country. So don’t blame India for outplaying you at a game that’s widely accepted as kosher. Or in other words, don’t hate the player Sartaj Aziz sab, hate the game.
How the game might be played better: maybe take some of the (taxpayer) money used for jetting out hundreds of people back and forth from London and use it to engage some well known Washington lobbying firms instead? Just a thought. Also, maybe stop blatantly admitting that you shelter Taliban leaders? It’s an open secret already, and it doesn’t much help ‘lobbying’ efforts in the U.S when you shout it from the rooftops.
On to more sombre things: Edhi Sab left us, leaving a void unlikely to be ever filled again. He always seemed very out of place — his story so out of character for Pakistan that one sometimes wondered whether he was an angel, a ‘Yahoodi sazish’ (Zionist conspiracy), or perhaps both. In any case, he’s likely twisting in his grave given that his funeral was all the things he despised (see VIP culture). Not only that, but apparently his grandson was harassed by the police recently. Sad on so many levels that I’m just going to move on to the next topic. Suffice it to say that only in Pakistan would Edhi’s grandson get harassed while the grandsons of our political elite get away with murder (literally).
On more sombre things — Qandeel Baloch was killed, showing Pakistan and the rest of the world just how pervasive and deep rooted male dominated ‘honour’ is in our society. The social media response to her death was the kind of thing that makes you want to move away from Pakistan: apologists left and right with FaceBook statuses that were predicated with statements like ‘ though I am very much against honor killings’. People seem to happily espouse the belief that ‘she had it coming’. This is sick, and no different from victim shaming in cases of rape. Lakh Lanat ho Pakistanion.
On cricket: it’s wartime. There’s a hair-raising amount of emotion attached to this series — and with good reason too. We’ve got a solid side, led by our greatest test captain ever, waiting to cement his legendary status with a historic win of redemption against England in England. Talk about the stage being set. As far as I’m concerned, I’m like Harry Potter to Dumbledore: I’m a Misbah man through and through.
Speaking of cricketers/captains, what piece of Pakistani political commentary is ever complete without Imran Khan and the PTI? Was morbidly fascinating to watch Imran offer a highly confused/incoherent defense of the PTI’s decision to hand $3mm to the ‘University of Jihad’ a.k.a the Dar-ul-Uloom Haqqania. Whether a local political power play or a highly ill-advised strategic decision, it’s pretty deplorable on all levels. ‘Bringing Madrassahs into the mainstream’ is a great soundbite but is fundamentally flawed in that it’s treating the symptom instead of the disease: the reason so many kids are in Madrassah’s is because of the failure of the public education system, so maybe throw some more money at that before you put millions into the hands of the most notorious jihad factory in all of South Asia? Again, just a thought. Let’s not even discuss the fact that Imran just called for the Army to takeover. Come the fuck on Imran Khan.
I’ve never been a fan of Imran Khan and/or the PTI — which can be problematic because a lot of my friends are, and you’re automatically assumed to be a Nawaz loving status quo beneficiary if for some reason, you don’t offer up your life in service of ‘Kaptaan’. I find it difficult to decide which is more off-putting: Imran and his confused political egoism or the cult like, criticism sensitive PTI zealots that tout righteousness as if they’re still wiping off the placenta from having popped out of Mother Theresa’s womb. Both make you want to slap someone.
If Misbah started his own political party after retiring from cricket, I’d probably support it.
