2020: Catching Fire
Context: Every year, at the end of summer I will be on the look for a theme of the next year. This practice of picking a theme has helped me live an intentional life while still being open to what comes.
I’m writing this to describe the organic process in which the theme for 2020 emerges. While it’s highly personal, I hope my example of paying attention to the signs can be helpful for you.
We have to become conscious of the inner journey of what is going on inside. That’s where the gems and power stones are to fuel us for whatever external journeys we choose to embark on.
Whether passion takes the form of colorful intensity or contemplative alertness, it contributes to a vibrant life, a keen awareness of where the pulse is, and a determination to plug into that place. — Gregg Levoy in Vital Signs.
I will not die an unlived life
by Dawna MarkovaI will not die an unlived life
I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing 💸, a torch 🔥, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance
to live so that which comes to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which comes to me as blossom,
goes on as fruits.
I encountered the first quote by Gregg Levoy a several years ago. It struck me that a passionate life doesn’t have to look very colorful from the outside. Contemplative alertness in the inward journey also counts. The question I’ve been living is then “what is the deal with this inner-outer gap? How and where do they connect or disconnect?”
The second poem came from a talk on the Enneagram Five (my type) by Rev Nhien Vuong last month, which ignited something inside. In a way, this poem has primed me for the joyous and intense encounters that followed in my trip back to Singapore last month.
It began with a long walk in Singapore Botanic Garden with my dear friend Shao Wei, a 2-year overdue stroll between two kindred spirits. We had a moment of unflinchingly looking at each other’s eyes, which left me elevated for a few days after. This too was a sign.
The Water Hose
The next day, I attended a live coaching event and met my coach Sarah whose superpower was to remind me of my truth.
During our initial conversation, I told her that my current challenge is about giving forms to what I already know. To get concrete in I want to do in the world, since I’m already clear what my purpose is.
She asked me to close my eyes and imagine what my work would look like.
I saw not so much with my inner visual eyes but I noticed a subtle felt-sense of withering plants thirsty for water.
Where or what am I then? I bring the water.
The task that I need to do at this stage of my life is to build a sturdy water hose that could channel a powerful stream of water into a specific direction of such dry garden.
The hose has to be connected to the water source, called it the Divine, God, Atman or Buddha-nature. The water will go to the withering plants and dry gardens and not so much to cactus or rain-wet grass. The more connected, the stronger the current and the sturdier the hose has to be.
Right now, I’ve got the water source well connected, but the hose is still leaky, which ends up watering mostly ground grasses. That’s not bad, but definitely can be more directional.
The North Star 🌟
After the initial intake conversation, I was coached by Sarah in front of a group of gentle and caring people. She reminded me
“Khuyen, you have a profound knowing that comes from a sensitive heart. It’s a focused and directional beam of love and light that guides people to their truth. As the north star, it shines without doing anything. It just is.”
Then we stayed in silent to listen to this song, Una Mattina. I was merely being wide-eyed and present.
Part of the practice is to remember that state of being by checking in with my own sensitivity. Apparently I forget it often..
Her impact on me was subtle, yet noticeable. It felt like a clearing of yet another cloud of doubt, which allowed the light to shine through more.
“I can see that you are seeking for something”
The next day, I met with a new friend Daylon at Straits Clan, a hip work space downtown Singapore. We talked about our own journeys and common interests in developing wisdom.
I felt his lived experiences distilled through his poetry and the questions he asked me. Before we part ways, he told me “I can see that you are seeking for something, and I wish you luck.”
Indeed, I didn’t know the shape of what I was seeking for, but I am sure as hell seeking for something. In fact, it is the search for an expression of what I already knew inside.
Then he shared with me what his Reiki teacher once told him “The man who works on himself sets an example for other men to follow”.
I sure hope so.
Showing up for each other
The last leg of the trip was meeting with Leng, a mentor and father figure who has come into my life with an amazing grace. We haven’t met for a year, and not in Singapore for 7 years ago. Needless to say, I was looking forward to it.
We had many beautiful and courageous conversations. He expressed his concern from some past experiences of me that I would continue to wallow in my own thinking world.
What moved me most was what he said at the end: “I’m so glad you have showed up for me, for others, for SEALNet and most of all, you have shown up for yourself. You have a stubbornness, a tenacity and persistence”
I understood his gladness, because I know how painful it is when you care so much about someone yet that person just gives up.
Most of all, I felt seen, because boy, SHOWING UP IS EFFING HARD.
Being in touch, caring, taking a bit of effort may seem easy for some. For me it’s the costliest. Yet, it is the path to redemption.
Another profound moment came when we talked about the purpose of our relationship. It dawned on me that we have our born biological family, and we have our chosen family.
To make such choice to be in someone’s life and have them in your life requires us to discern the purpose and consciously acknowledge it. That’s what life partnership is about: keep choosing, showing up and becoming.
We talked about our covenant, which is to be in this mutual learning together for however long that seems right. That we will show up for each other and for ourselves in the right role at the right time, be it mentor mentee or father and son, as the need calls forth.
I guess it felt sorta like a wedding pronouncement, but I won’t really know until I have one.
PhD: Persistently Hiding in Delusion or Present, Happy & Disciplined?
It was wonderful to receive the affirmation that I am now more grown up and ready for new adventures.
In addition to focusing on my current big hairy lovely assignment of making MindKind Asia happen, Leng also suggested me to look into doing a PhD in 2 years.
Some people mentioned that idea to me a while ago, but I never take it seriously. Here is a story my mind is inventing to justify this path
“In college, I didn’t enjoy the studious classes and hated reading impersonal lengthy papers for research. I took my learning seriously, but not so much “meeting professor’s expectation” or “proving myself”.
For a while, I was afraid of studying further because I knew I’d be better off getting some life experiences rather than diving into more brainy thinking & analysis. I was afraid of hiding in academia and becoming irrelevant in my own head. Valid concern indeed.
Now I know I wouldn’t be hiding, given how I have always been showing up at different things and interests outside of my main zone. I also know how to choose joy and purpose now, hopefully unlike most PhD students I met who seemed so cynical and depressed.
Most importantly, I know how much I love being surrounded in a learning environment, deep and wide.”
When I shared this with my life-reinventing buddy Paul, he called me out “You are just making shit up to justify your choice”. While I so dig his no-BS calling out, I think rationalization like this is not as important as the actual inner shift.
That inner decision felt like an unclogging and unleashing of a newfound energy.
Before I left, Leng reminded me of the poem Ithaca, which he shared with me 7 years ago as I was applying to college. This time, the poem really nailed it for me that I had to write about it in last week’s newsletter.
C.F.Cadafy
[…]
Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you’re destined for.
But don’t hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you’re old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you’ve gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.
Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her you wouldn’t have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.
And if you find her poor, Ithaka won’t have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you’ll have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.
I remember my inner struggle seven years ago: I wanted to go to an US university so badly, but I didn’t want to use my experiences simply as stepping stones towards such goal. As someone who by default believes that “the journey is more important than the end”, I’ve always struggled with knowing, acknowledging and pursuing my own ambition.
Now, what struck me is the obvious but still subtle realization that without the destination, there is no journey.
Destination and journey are two different ways to view reality. Neither is more important than the other, and rather than being opposite, they complete each other. Our work is to consciously build such union, as David Whyte says in this lyrical talk.
As such, if you are also process-oriented like me, you can pick a goal, no matter how questionable or even arbitrary it seems for others such as making lots of money or become famous.
As an example, I am ready to own the integrity of my ambition.
I want to be well-known, not in a self-centered way but in the profound way that truly being seen can transform both the seer and the seen.
I want to be wealthy, not in its measure aka money, but its true form as the sum of energy, technical intelligence, and raw materials as Alan Watts insisted.
Complete in the Now
What does it take to achieve ambition? In theory, it’s letting go of what is on the way as Davin Hawkins writes in Letting Go. In practice, there is no guarantee. Anything that promises sure achievement is not even a scam but a misunderstanding. What is worth constant remembering is that what we seek is already all here.
This Aha came again to me on the first night coming back to Saigon where I went to see my dear friend Sabine playing jazz. Music and words are her way of sharing God’s love.
(She dedicated to me a song called “Old man”, which in a humorous way explained our friendship across a 40 year gap 👴👵 in which she taught me many things about relationships)
At the end of the song, she shared with me a reading that I had once read cold but only now feel the burning of its words.
Complete in the Now.
When you no longer depend on the future for fulfillment, you will realize a peace or presence. Since your “now” is not dependent on the future for your salvation, you are no longer addicted to the results, and neither failure nor success have the power to change your inner-self.
You have now found life underneath your life situation.
In this state of wholeness, you will be able to pursue external goals with great energy because you will no longer have illusory expectation that anything or anybody in the future will save you or make you happy. Once you realize you are already complete, there will be a playful, joyous energy behind what you do. You are no longer driven by fear, discontentment or the need to become someone. Since those things do not motivate you, you are also free from the disappointment when they don’t fulfill your expectation.
- Stan Tyra
It’s a miracle that I actually get it. New Agey, beware!
I already have everything. I already do enough. I am already what I seek for: knowledge as the essence of a PhD pursuit, mutuality as the essence of lifelong partnerships, being seen as the essence of fame and competence as the essence of wealth. As long as I remember the essence, the journey could take whatever suitable forms.
It’s so liberating to know more deeply now that I can pursue whatever external goals now with joyful abandonment of whether they will become true or not.
David Hawkin says that they will happen just because I decide to do so and let go of all the obstacles in between. I’m skeptical still, so let me use my life to test it.
The inner clarity and decisiveness within is so delicious that it reminded me of the moment where I chose to discontinue my previous relationship.
It’s not about deciding which is better. Utilitarian cost-benefit analysis in this case is an impossible framing. Rather, it’s about value. It is about choosing who you will become and owning the choice.
For woowoo-weary people including myself, this process is not as much about positive thinking & visualization new agey cheapshtick. Rather, this is about making the commitment to direct our energy to certain ways of being.
I’ll pursue a wonderful life partner and many more nourishing relationships, a deeply satisfying & impactful career, lots of fame and wealth.
And I don’t care whether I’ll achieve them because I KNOW THEY WON’T MAKE ME HAPPY.
I am already complete, even in this messy place, which means I can choose to pursue those goals from a place of enoughness, let alone abundance.
Why? Just for the thrill of our short existence here on earth, this “luminous pause between two mysteries that are yet one” (Carl Jung)
I’ll pursue a life well-lived because WHY NOT?
As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being. — Carl Jung.
p/s: I can imagine feeling lost and demotivated again a few months from writing this. If you see that, please remind me of what I wrote here, my younger self is usually wiser!
