Why Soulmates Are Made, Not Found
One of the most profound Greek philosophers to have ever lived was Plato. To this very day, his works continue to be discussed primarily because his writing was so rich in the expansion of both moral philosophy and science. In one of his most famous works Symposium, there is a famous scene where two philosophers talk about love. One man tells the other that there was a time that humans had 4 arms, 4 legs, 2 heads, 2 hearts, and they lived in complete happiness. He then states that the god Zeus was so jealous of humans that he struck a thunderbolt to split them apart into two, destining humans to spend their entire lives searching for their other half. This marks the beginning behind the term “soulmate”. The basic concept of a soul mate is someone who is essentially your other half. In Roman Krznaric’s novel “How Should We Live” he states, “We can spend years searching for that elusive person who will satisfy all our emotional needs and sexual desires, who will provide us with friendship and self-confidence, comfort and laughter, stimulate our minds and share our dreams. We imagine somebody out there in the amorous ether who is our missing other half, and who will make us feel complete if only we can fuse our being with theirs in the sublime union of romantic love.” (Krznaric.12) I think there is a soulmate out there for everybody, however I disr the idea that your soulmate is going to be perfect for you the moment you meet them. Many modern songs portray couples falling in love the moment they lay eyes on one another or after spending a couple weeks together they realize that the person they are spending all their time with is the one. In reality, this is wrong. Love doesn’t hit you like a ton of bricks. Like soulmates, love is made not found.
In this essay I will be discussing three different types of Greek acknowledged love; Eros, Philia, and Pragma, from which Krznaric had spoken about in his book “How Should We Live”. These varieties of love are all essential parts of “falling in love” and staying in love with someone, however I will also be referencing new and old songs that correspond with each variety of love, explaining how the song’s lyrics are either wrong or right in their assumptions about love and relationships. I think love requires both Eros, Philia, and Pragma in almost every part of a relationship for the relationship to then on flourish.
The most significant Greek love that is seen every day in modern society is Eros. In Krznaric’s book, he states “Eros was the idea of sexual passion and desire.” (Krznaric.5) We most commonly see Eros on billboards, in magazines; models posing in seductive lingerie. At the start of a new relationship, Eros is important. Sexual passion and intimacy are crucial for human beings because we are reproductive creatures and when we look for a potential mate we look to see if they can reproduce well also. This is done through sex. While sex is important in maintaining a healthy relationship, too much of it can lead to problems which ultimately ascend to heart break because a relationship cannot rely just on sex. This is more accurately shown in Bonnie Tyler’s song “A Total Eclipse of the Heart” from which she sings, “And I need you now tonight, And I need you more than ever, and if you only hold me tight, we’ll be holding on forever… Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I’m only falling apart, and there’s nothing I can do…”. In this song she describes the crumbling relationship between her and a man. They try to hold onto this one last moment of being together as they both realize that their relationship can’t go any further because they continue to experience problem after problem. She wants him to stay around and be with her forever because they had established a bond through sex, however he thinks the complete opposite. Like I have stated earlier, when Eros is the only variety of love present, the relationship is bound to crumble because of the lack of philia and pragma.
Philia is friendship. In order to have a lasting relationship with your partner, philia must be present. Krznaric talks about philia being “the profound friendship developed between comrades” and this is vital because without the playfulness and connection that friendship brings to the table, a relationship has no back bone, no fundamental bond to lean on. In Rhianna’s song “Umbrella” she states, “When the sun shines, we shine together, told you I’ll be here forever, Said I’ll always be your friend, Took an oath that I’m a stick it out till the end…”. The union of friends is almost an impossible oath to break. Soulmates fundamentally cannot be soulmates without philia because they won’t have the unbreakable bond that Eros cannot provide.
Every couple reaches a time in their relationship when a fight occurs. It starts with a little disagreement, passive aggressive comments, one thing leads to another, and bam, the first fight. This is where Pragma becomes a key component to maintaining the relationship’s stability. Krznaric states, “Pragma is about making a relationship work over time, compromising when necessary, showing patience and tolerance, and being realistic about what you should expect from your partner.” (Krznaric.8) Many of us growing up make checklists about what we want in a potential partner. “He has to be tall, love his mother, be into rock music, watch romantic movies with me…” and even though we all do this, these are unrealistic expectations. Like Krznaric had stated, there needs to be compromise in a relationship. Maybe he’s not going to be into rock music and you’re not going to like his love for cats but there can be a compromise that he can have a cat in the house as long as you can play rock music on the big speaker whenever you want. A song that shows the struggle of the lack of compromising and effort between individuals is “Torn” by Natalia Imbruglia. She sings, “I thought I saw a man brought to life, he was warm, he came around like he was dignified, he showed me what it was to cry. Well you couldn’t be that man I adored, you don’t seem to know, don’t seem to care, what your heart is for no, I don’t know him anymore…” In this song, Natalie is frustrated by her partners lack of effort. Her partner doesn’t support her and is no longer putting in the effort to keep the relationship stable. If there is no compromise, no effort, no friendship, or sexual desire, the ending product of a soulmate will simply not happen and may ultimately end in divorce.
Intriguing as it may seem to find your soulmate at first glance, it is more realistic to believe that you can potentially find your soulmate in the person you settle down with. Eros, Philia, and most importantly Pragma are key components of healthy and thriving relationship and are the vital elements behind saying someone is your soulmate. As for me, I am not looking for a soulmate. For now, I am fine spending time with my friends and focusing on school so that someday I will have my degree which will hopefully open more doors for me in the job market. As you can tell from this essay, a relationship is a lot of work and requires a lot of time and energy, both from which I am lacking of as a college student. I hope to someday settle down with someone I can eventually call my soulmate, but at the moment I will just practice the art of agape, otherwise known as selfless love, which is essentially giving back to others. I like to spend time with people who make me laugh, challenge me in both mental and physical ways, and inspire me to become better than I am. And for now, that is enough for me. As Plato once said, “Love is simply the name for desire and pursuit of the whole.” Whether you find that in your “soulmate” or your friends, love is still love.
