Dealing with Grief

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“Time solves most things. And what time can’t solve, you have to solve yourself.” Haruki Murakami

Sorrow arising from grief is a familiar feeling to all. Everyone will go through some form of loss in life. As the years rolled by, you can bet it still hurts.

“It will be okay.”

No, it will never be okay.

The pain may lessen as you grow to be immune to the sadness. After nights of crying, your tears run dry as if all the emotions have been all poured out of you. Maybe you just want to be left alone and sleep all day. Then you don’t have to think so much.

But time waits for no man. Eventually, you figure you have to accept it somehow, even if it means you have to pretend to accept it. Because you have to be strong. You have to be strong for your family, your friends and maybe even your colleagues.

You just have to push the thought to the back of your mind and move on with life. But deep down, deep deep down, you know there will always be a part of you missing and you will always think of him, or her.

It still hurts. But it’s okay to not feel okay.

“The only way to take the sorrow out of death is to take love out of life.” Russel M. Nelson

As long as you still love that person, it never stops hurting. It hurts because you loved him, or her, dearly. You’d never grow accustomed to the empty void in your life. Sometimes you may even find yourself crying in the middle of the night when nobody’s watching. It’s perfectly acceptable. You don’t have to suppress your emotions and pretend to be happy.

Give yourself time to air your grief.

It is okay to take it as slow as you like. Everyone deals with grief differently, and it varies with each individual. Some people need a longer time to work things through. I’m one of them.

Find healthy outlets of expression.

It is not good to keep all that negative emotions bottled in. You will only experience pent-up frustration and may even snap at people for no reason at all. At its worst, these nasty emotions can physically manifest themselves and make you feel ill. Sound awful, doesn’t it?

So, you have to speak up about how you feel inside. You don’t have to share with the public. Choose a few people whom you feel close to, who can handle you at your worst and will not take advantage of you at your most vulnerable stage.

If you feel uncomfortable with sharing your feelings with someone else, you can always opt to write it out. Find a healthy way that you feel most comfortable with to express yourself.

Tears are a form of expression as well. It’s alright to cry. Have a good time crying your heart out. You will feel better.

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“As you comprehend this profound loss, let yourself cry knowing each tear is a note of love rising to the heavens. ” Anonymous

Don’t take offence if people do not know how to handle grief.

Emotions associated with death are intense and very painful. Often times, it can be overwhelming for anyone to handle, not just yourself. People may tell you cliché phrases like, “I know how you feel.” And then you question them silently in your heart, how can they understand what you are going through when they are not you? Or, you might even get silences at times (because they don’t know what to say).

Understand that your family member/friend is trying to console you. He or she may (unfortunately) end up saying things you resent to hear. However, accept that they do not mean any offence.

Know that the process of grief doesn’t just end after death arrangements.

The year following the death is particularly trying. It is full of ‘firsts’. The first new year without xxx. The first Valentines’ without xxx. The first birthday that passes by. The list goes on.Life will keep throwing reminders to you that that person is gone. The absence of a loved one will become more apparent as days pass by.

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It is a constant battle.
A war between remembering and forgetting.

As much as you might like to drown out the sadness, and forget. There may be a stubborn side of you that’s afraid of forgetting that person. Because if you do, you worry that you would lock away a part of yourself too.

The process of healing doesn’t have to be a sad occasion. Know that you don’t have to make yourself go through the loss all over again. You don’t have to torment yourself. You deserve to be happy.

Gather your friends. If your friends are comfortable about it, you guys may share on how everyone has been coping since. If possible, do something fun together! Feel relieved that you are not the only one going through this. You have others to depend on, just like how they depend on you.

On the other hand, if you know someone who went through grief in recent years, offer to keep in touch. It can be especially difficult getting through it alone. Don’t force it on to your friend though. Offer options to your friend to hang out together, but let it be if he or she declines.

Be aware that people might not want to talk about it.

After the loss of my friend, almost everybody avoided the topic of death. It was as if there was a silent law enforcer roaming around to ban people from talking about it. Especially the adults. Well, most of them. I felt stifled. I mean, that was just plain disrespectful to me. Just because a person ceased to exist physically, does not mean that he or she had not existed before at all.

Some people will just panic and look around for a way to slip out of the situation. They feel uncomfortable talking about it. And to be fair, you don’t have to force the situation on them either.

Bring positivity into your life

You got to balance your life. Bringing in some new positive energy will make you feel good. You may choose to pick up a new hobby, buy some new clothes, or even try that new chic bob that you’ve always wondered about. Meeting new people can also bring boundless joy that you did not expect from. It doesn’t necessarily mean replacement. I look upon it as a fresh start, and doing something to help me look forward in life.

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If you ever feel like you will never pull through no matter what you do, stay with me dear. Keep pushing forward. You need to live to see the brighter days ahead.

It is important for each and every one of us to recognise what we are going through and how we are feeling. Accept that you have your happy days and your low moments as well. We have to make a conscious effort to work at our thoughts, feelings, and attitudes in order to let go.

Note: This article is not to be taken seriously in replacement of professional help.

Love, Kianne.

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