I often wish I could’ve heard certain things while I was feeling certain ways. Hence, all my writing is to past versions of myself. More importantly, however, it’s to all the people out there who feel like they’re alone in the position I once was in. I can’t say I’ve been through a lot, but I can say that I’ve learnt a lot having been a teenage girl (Kiara) who always doubted herself, often felt alone, and constantly wondered if she was good enough. So, I hope what I needed to hear when I was at my lowest helps you realise you’re strong enough to get through this, whatever it is!
This letter is to the Kiara that locked herself in the bathroom with the exhaust fan at its loudest speed. This is to the Kiara that felt like she wasn’t good enough because she’d been lead on for over a year by her best friend, (we’ll call him Rishab).
At that moment in the bathroom, I only wondered why I wasn’t as special to him as he was to me. I felt like I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t between me and Rishab. Helpless and confused, I just wished everything was different. This letter is to anybody who feels as overwhelmed as I did in that bathroom.
Firstly, and very importantly, you are not alone! Even though sometimes it might get overwhelmingly lonely, you are not the only one feeling as hurt and worn out. You’re not overthinking, you’re not being too sensitive, you’re not pathetic, you’re just human, I mean that.
I know you’re thinking about what was different in Rishab’s head and just want this feeling to pass. I also know that it’s easy to blame the person who left you feeling like this- it is easier to channel your pain into anger. By all means, if you have something to say, get it off your chest. Definitely be as honest and open as you can be. At the same time, don’t be a bigger jerk than Rishab deserves, hoping that might heal you, it won’t. This isn’t something he is going to help you get over. Nothing he says will take away that sting that just doesn’t seem to leave. He’s told you how he feels, and that isn’t going to change. Now, it’s your turn to be kind and make yourself feel special. Stop looking for answers in Rishab. You need to first feel special, loved and more than just good enough, by yourself, without Rishab.
I’m not here to tell you that you’re worth it or that you’re definitely good enough. I’m not gonna tell you, he’s not gonna tell you, she’s not gonna tell you, stop looking to hear that. It really does hurt to feel like you aren’t loved back, I get it! But it’s important that you stop craving for Rishab or anyone else to validate you. Whatever you crave to hear right now, work on telling yourself those things, and find a way to mean them. Make yourself feel as special and loved as you crave for Rishab to! You will find a way to do that if you try hard enough. It is an ongoing process, and it will take you a while to build that relationship with yourself. In the meantime, I know you’re hurting, but I promise you, you are worth it and I’m here to remind that to you until you feel like it’s enough to just hear that from yourself.
I get that it’s hardest to understand why someone would say or do things they don’t mean. I know it’s hard now because you feel like a lot of things in your head weren’t real (I know that throb). Don’t feel like an idiot for perceiving things the way you did! Don’t feel ridiculous for not having seen this coming! It’s hard enough without beating yourself up for “getting the wrong message!” Accept that this isn’t at all an ideal situation, but you’re in it and you can’t change that. Do not pity yourself and dwell in this heartthrob. You’ll only start feeling better once you accept the position you’re in and decide you want to feel better. I know you know that at the back of your mind. But read that sentence again and again. Write it down if you have to. Just keep reading it until you stop wallowing, regretting, or self-pitying. You might not stop hurting immediately and you might keep blaming Rishab or yourself or whoever else for how you’re feeling. But listen to me if you wanna feel better - time will heal you, in the meantime just be kind to yourself and don’t give in to all these horrible things you’re feeling.
Overwhelming amounts of love,
Kiara
It wasn’t easy for me to pick myself up either. Sometimes, I just didn’t feel special no matter how much I said it to myself. But I kept trying, and it worked out! When things got really hard for me, I started taking things one day at a time. I wrote good morning letters to myself the afternoon before. In them, I wrote small things about myself I wished others would notice. I also wrote reassuring things. Most importantly, I wrote things I wanted to achieve on that day. It was my attempt at making myself feel loved. It really worked for me because reading these things as soon as I woke up definitely set the tone for an uplifting day! So, if you feel really low right now, find something like this that you can do for yourself! Put in the extra effort!
About Rishab, he was my best friend. We used to spend all of our time together. It really hurt to hear that everything we had was only in my head. The idea I had of our relationship made me feel so special and loved. So, it took me a lot of effort to feel better and stop resenting him. I still don’t understand why what happened happened. I’ve stopped trying to understand or analyse that relationship or its outcome. But my letter encompasses the things I wish I had heard or realised sooner! I’ve come out feeling a lot stronger and I’ve learned to be more careful in understanding or clarifying what someone means with the things they say. I would be lying if I said it still doesn’t hurt a little, even after many months- I really did love him with all my heart (however cheesy that sounds). But I like to focus on how proud I am of myself for dealing with my ridiculous storm of thoughts and emotions. I’m now not scared of someone bringing me down in the future because I’ve seen for myself that I’m strong enough to pick myself back up (we all really are). If someone hadn’t broken me down like this, I wouldn’t have realised how strong I am. So, if you fear some worst-case scenario playing out with a person who’s very dear to you — god forbid it does play out, I promise that you’ll find yourself handling it and getting through it much stronger than you imagine! In fact, that fear is much, much worse than the worst-case scenario itself!
If you feel alone, whatever it is, I’m here for you! If I could just step out and say something about myself, it would be that Kiara knows how you feel. As I said before, I’ve learnt a lot having grown up the way I did. So, write to me with anything at all if you need someone to talk to at: kiaraknows8@gmail.com
I hope this helped you and I hope you make yourself happy :)
