A Kiasu Letter to the Singapore Editor: Ministers, sponsors win gold for Schooling

A Kiasu Letter to the Singapore Editor,

Writing in my capacity as spokesperson for the secretary of Olympic Gold Medal bandwagon jumpers, I think it’s important to point out who made Joseph Schooling’s gold medal possible.

Some naive folks seem to think it was Joseph Schooling.

First, I must stress again, that the Department of Bandwagon Jumpers insisted on having Schooling’s NS deferred, then we insisted on telling everyone about the deferment on social media.

By the way, did we mention that we asked for Schooling’s NS to be deferred?

Second, we pointed out that, in Singapore, economic needs must come before sporting needs. After all, local sports will never put food on the table. So we decided to not pay for live TV coverage and invest the money in a large public dustbin instead. No, no, we’re not talking about our eco-hotel thing in the Mandai forest, but an actual dustbin. We also knew that the live TV decision would whip the nation into a frenzy and galvanise interest in our athletes. Singapore, you’re welcome. Now, we will go back to investing in TV programmes that are in the national interest… programmes like Tanglin.

Third, we must acknowledge the loyalty, devotion and financial backing of some our most illustrious brands and companies in Singapore. Some of these companies have now invested in Schooling for many, many minutes. We knew that the first thing Schooling wanted to do after a 30-hour flight from Rio was not greet his family and fans, but have a company logo thrust at him for an awkward photo. You’re welcome, Jo. Now our proud, patriotic companies will continue to invest in sporting events that are in the national interest … EPL tours, international golf, things like that.

And fourth, we recognised that what would drive Schooling to victory, what would really push him past Phelps at the finish, was the thought of celebrating his triumph with lots of ministers and MPs he’s never met before. So we happily obliged. We are determined to do whatever it takes to ensure that by the time Schooling leaves Singapore, every minister and MP in this country will have posed for a selfie with the gold medallist.

So it’s important to remember who made Schooling’s gold medal possible.

Us.

Again, you’re welcome.

Oh, and did we mention that we got Schooling’s NS deferred?

Yours sincerely,

Mr B.W. Jumper

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