I’m a Modern Woman, But I Won’t Marry Any Man Who Isn’t A Rich Slice Of Chocolate Cake

I’m on-board for feminism, but I have standards.

Look, okay? I get it. It is modern-times, and feminism is popular, and we’re all about girl power. Women can have careers! Women can make their own way! But in some respects I think traditions are good. In some respects, I’m traditional.

I’ll just say it: I am a modern woman, but I am not interested in marrying a man who is not a rich slice of chocolate cake.

I understand that it is important for a woman to support herself and bring her own things to the marriage. I similarly understand that it is the modern times and women are making money. And I’m completely willing to make money, and I can provide almost everything for myself. I could probably even provide myself with chocolate cake. But I want constant access to extreme richness, specifically in the form of chocolate cake.

We all have our standards. We all have our dealbreakers. This just happens to be one of mine: I need to marry a chocolate cake and the cake needs to be rich.

And as I mentioned before, I would be a good spouse. I’m kind and fun and intelligent. So I don’t think it’s too much to ask that whoever I marry be a rich chocolate cake, moist and dense, semisweet and decadent, with maybe a ganache between its layers and shaved nuts and chocolate lace decoration on top. But that last part is not even necessary!

I just want to be provided for.

Look, ladies, gents, I know this is shocking. But I’m not here to make unreasonable demands! I don’t care who it’s been with in the past. I just care where it’s going in the future. It would just be nice to know that it was made from scratch or at least with care and attention, in any kind of oven, really, but ideally at 350F.

It just needs to be delicious, decadent, and extremely rich.

That’s my condition for saying “I do.” And I mean it: for better for worse, in sickness and in health. I know being the wife of a chocolate cake will not always be easy — I’m not sure how we’re going to maintain the cake’s richness and moisture for the course of our life together, especially without the use of preservatives.

But every life has challenges to overcome. This will be ours. Maybe our shelf-life will be short. But I don’t care.

I would rather live one moment with a rich slice of chocolate cake than a million eternities with a dry one.

When I put it that way, does it seem like so much to ask? I really don’t think so.

As for human man, I don’t know; I’m not sure how I feel about human marriage, to be honest. But if I do marry, I’m not interested in imposing those kinds of standards on a human soul, especially as they are the sorts standards I would not want imposed on myself. We’re all fallible, folks!

But chocolate cake? Chocolate cake is not fallible. Chocolate cake is perfect.