
What I, A Millennial, Call Dogs
Beyond Doggo
dog
Dog!
doggo
dogger
dogspot
dogpress
pup
puppy
pupper
puppo
pupperino
pupperoni
pupperoncini
puppercorn
pupricorn
puprechaun
depuptecon
autopup
pupsy
poopy
poopsy
compooper
computer
beep-boop-boop
pie
pies
pup-pies
big dog
big old dog
little dog
long dog
strong dog
gonna-get-the-friction-on dog
my constant companion
my friend
my boon companion
my constant friend
my bosom friend
woof
woofer
wuffer
subwuffer
my pal
amigo
pupamigo
perro
perrito
puppito
horse
look a horse
that’s not a dog
that’s a horse
no stop calling it a dog. it’s literally a horse
look im not kidding those are horses
tyler this is really annoying. stop calling a horse a dog
it was funny the first time
jesus
can you just
can you please just stop?
IM BEING SERIOUS NOW
tyler we need to talk. ok listen. i like dogs as much as you do, but please stop calling a horse a dog. please stop calling a bird a “wing-dog.” please stop calling fish “wet-gill-puppies of the sea.” scissors are not “pointy twin dogs.” a shirt is not “a thin cotton dog wrapping around my whole torso.” your job is not “what a dog would do in the office but a human’s doing it” and a car is not a “big metal dog on wheels powered by an internal-combustion engine unless it is an electric in which case it is powered by a battery.”
I just… you spend too much time online tyler
I think we really need to talk. When we go out to dinner you never put your phone down —
See, you’re doing it again. I’m trying to have a conversation with you and you’re just looking at your phone and you just
yes I DO say something about it
no we just
what? no, I’m not breaking up with you!
no, I did NOT say that.
no, I never said that.
why, do you think we should break up?
well I don’t want to talk about this now either, but we need to do it sometime, so now is as good a time as any
I don’t care about the reservation. fuck the reservation.
call the restaurant, I don’t care
Emily and David will understand
we need to TALK about this
we’re talking about this now
WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THIS
NOW
T Y L E R
