Why it Sucks To Date Indians

Don’t get your Dhoti in a bunch

This is a humor article based on personal and friends’ experiences dating Indian people in America. Your ladoo may vary.

The First Date is a Job Interview

Where you do you work? Where did you go to school? How much do you make? Why did you get a B on your 4th grade math test?

Somehow while westerners embraced “Namaste” — I salute the god within you, Indian daters are busy embracing entrancing exams for first dates more difficult than Harvard. No question seems to be off limit, whether it’s past relationships, how clean your house is or how many times a day you call your mummy.

I have actually gotten a grade at the end of date. (It was an A minus if you are curious.)

It’s All About The Future

Where do you see this going? What’s your five year plan? How do you feel about kids? One dog or two? Do you want a traditional or western wedding?

Uh I still haven’t ordered appetizers. Does the arugula salad look good to you? Can we just get through this first date before you plan our honeymoon?

Prepare to be Bored

What do you do? I’m a doctor. What does your dad do? He’s a doctor. What about your sisters? They are doctors. And your friends? Doctors.

Indians love conformity, it’s like you get free rotis or something for being white sheep. Try to bring up Impressionism, or underground hip-hop or anything remotely off the straight and narrow and be prepared to looked at like you just said you worship Satan.

Once, an attractive prospect asked me who Bill Murray was. I left immediately (after paying the check of course).

They come in Black, Striped or Khaki.

Back in the motherland, we have these amazing saris for women and over the top men’s clothes. But in the states, Indians seemingly went to the Michael Scott School of Fashion Design. Indian men have glued khaki on to their legs, while apparently business casual is ok for Indian women now on dates. What happened to sex appeal?? We have the hottest skin colors on the planet but we might as well be wearing burqas.

Hey I manscaped for 3 hours, the least you could do is put on some color.

We are all Village People

Gamwalla — Someone coming from a village.

We have advanced degrees in medicine, finance and technology. We have made it to the upper echelons of society, culture and philanthropy. Yet when it comes to gossip most Indians spend their time (men included) throwing around dirt like they just left the village well. Did you hear that she went on 2 dates this month? He’s divorced! I hear she likes to sleep around. Oh how do you know that? Her best friend told me.

It’s a Small Brown World

Call it recycling, call it incestuous, but if you are in small city like San Francisco, sooner or later you are going to date/hook up/marry someone that one of your friends dated/hooked up/divorced. Since we are not very open minded and prefer to date our own race, our options are limited. There are only so many ivy league educated, $100k+ plus, medium light to light skinned eligible prospects out there.

I have been to a party where there were 3 women I had dated, INTRODUCING THEMSELVES TO EACH OTHER.

And For The Men

Cause many Indian guys are raised as princes in their overly traditional indian homes are fucking cheap and emotionally constipated because they think they are gods.

That’s an actual quote from a very smart and capable Indian female friend. Indian men, get off your high horse, you aren’t dating your mom.

By the way, I’m single and looking to meet an nice, fair skinned Indian girl between 5'1" and 5'6", 28-34, minimum GPA 3.5, who is someone my Mom approves of and can cook Indian food.