Shopping Under the Influence: My Five Fall Trends

I’m pretty sure this has been done before and it has definitely been done better but Medium doesn’t judge and neither do you.

I had the amazing and totally unplanned “miracle” of getting some of the good stuff from the doctor while Labor Day sales were going on and boy howdy let me tell you, do NOT (yes you should — do as I do, not as I say) shop while sipping on that prescribed dose of Actavis. (the) Future be dammned.

I did some of the e-commerce-ing and I thought I’d share some of my finds, because I was (kinda) genuinely surprised by some of my picks. Keep in mind that these may or not be the “trends” of the season — if that’s what you’re looking for, please click out of this tab and visit one of the many fine fashion blogs or websites available to you on Al Gore’s internet. I’m somewhat about comfort and only sometimes getting stared at, so I tone down things because I’m not on a coast. I’m a gal on a budget, unambigously plus sized and I like to regularly stuff myself into things that are too small. On top of all this, I live deep in the heart of Texas *clap clap clap clap*. So with all of that, I welcome you to my own search engine optimised listicle. Also: listicle reminds me of testicle.

Intentional Rose Gold

What do I mean by “intentional”? Up until now, every rose gold accessory I owned was an accident, brought on by the magic of a trip to Forever 21. Magic, you say? Combined with the anxiety alarm, there’s nothing like the lighting that simultaneously makes you feel like you’re melting AND makes everything so shiny that you can’t possibly even consider distinguishing finishes AND you left your glasses at home so it’s all a fool’s errand. BUT! This time (browsing online in the relative safety of my own home), I found some really cute rose gold shit on purpose: these hairpins, these earrings, this hair clip, this headband and this Naruto-inspired affair. Rose gold feels warm and romantic, two things I absolutely hate, but it’s cute AF.

Elevated Solid Snake

Solid Snake in “disguise”

So. What I’m about to say is a completely body neutral statement, I promise. My body is literally Solid Snake’s legs poking out from under a cardboard box. Who is this fashion trendsetter wearing an oversized silhouette paired with stylish boot? You don’t really need to know, but if you care, read this (But totally don’t. The Metal Gear series is absolute nonsense from a narrative perspective). If you feel confused about putting brown and black together, it’s okay. It’s not nearly as bad as trying to make sense of the events of that one game for the GameCube. Here are some brown things for the top half of your body: one, two, three, four, five, six. Here are some black things for the lower half of your body: one, two, three, four, five, six.

Damn, I wish that I could go back to 4th grade and tell the girl who pierced my ears at Claire’s to put the hole higher on my earlobe.

Big fucking earrings, man. Blah blah blah, there are people telling you to toss your tassel earrings. Please don’t, you only wore them for three months. Just feel free to add some ginormous winners to your rotation. There’s lots of metal and pearls and gems and OOH SHINY. I’m actively praying that my earring doesn’t get stuck to my turtleneck because game over, no continues left. Other picks: big hoops, clip-ons, make it rain priced clip-ons, beads and more gems.

Plaids for Fall. Again.

Y’all, I don’t have anything witty to say here. I’m so tired. Just assume that I made a reference to Clueless. Picks: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Shania Twain in leopard separates. I too, remain unimpressed.

Please Feed The Animals

So many of the animal print pieces available in larger sizes were corny as hell. You would think that with such a deep history of tacky prints and cats on sweatshirts, plus size clothing would be ahead of the game on this one. My friend, you would be wrong. Here are some things that didn’t offend me to my core: one, two, three, four.

Okay, that’s five things. I’m bored now. Thank you for reading.

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