Hey, y’all. We’re on TV, so act right. Wave to Momma. Can we pan the hall, please? Do that, everyone already knows what I look like. OK? Now do your peeps back home proud, pretend it was them that elected you instead of all that money. I’m gonna get to money in a minute, but first I want the country to see you really are actual people, or you were before you got to DC. While the camera pans, I’m gonna play some Meghan Trainor, and the kids and I are gonna do some selfies. I only get to do this shit one more time after today. Let’s get some views, break the Internet. Go!
OK, that was great. I see some of you aren’t amused. That’s OK. Didn’t expect you to be. Here’s the next thing. Before I propose a bunch of shit you guys are gonna argue about and not pass, let’s mix this up. I dunno if the folks at home know how this thing usually works. Normally, out there in the hall, all my Democratic peeps sit on one side, and all the Republican guys on the other. When I propose my shit, like healthcare or mo’ taxes on people who make a zillion dollars, all my peeps stand up and clap. The fat motherfuckers with all the money stay down. The only time they’ll clap is if I recognize some military guys who got their arms shot off or a doctor who almost died saving Africans from Ebola. Y’all know I’m from Africa, right? I’m not even a citizen. Just kidding.
So that’s how it’s been workin’. Not tonight. Tonight, we fire-drillin’. Get the fuck up! Everyone go sit in a different seat, next to somebody who’s different than you. Don’t make me come down there. I want to see some Democrats gettin’ snuggly with some Tea Party motherfuckers, some Republicans all about the bass with Al Franken. Then do like church, the uncomfortable part where everyone has to stand and shake hands and introduce themselves to a neighbor. When I was a kid I HATED that shit. Well, your turn. While that’s happenin’, some Kanye. He discovered Paul McCartney, you know that? Go!
That sure did take y’all a while. Don’t worry, it’s OK. New stuff is hard. I know y’all think I’m making a mockery of Congress, but really, you guys have already done that on your own. I’m in don’t-give-a-fuck mode. You know that scene in “24 Hours,” where Eddie Murphy says, “I’m your worst nightmare, I’m a black guy with a badge who has permission to kick your ass whenever he feels like it?” Look at me. Yo, Johnny B. Look at me, Fake Tan. I’m goin’ executive order on your ass til your interns stop giving blowjobs.
I really only have a couple of things tonight. One. America’s awesome, but America’s fucked up. About four of y’all got all the goddamn money. Everyone’s been sayin’ I’m gonna propose a middle class tax cut and more taxes on the wealthy tonight. That’s what you want, because y’all can then go do that thing you do, where you drink bourbon and loophole the crap out of it, and keep all your shit. I’m not gonna propose that. One, there’s no middle class left, just the ones can afford Louis Vuitton and Teslas, and those who can’t. Instead, I’m gonna throw down executive order X-I-I. That’s a Roman numeral, Mr. Cruz. Ecks-eye-eye. It says everybody in America has to do what you guys just did: go be somewhere else. I want the Nicki’s in they penthouses to go live in Ferguson, the fellas in Detroit down in Marin with the Zuckerbergs. I want the poor people to realize that havin’ too much shit is corrupting and have some compassion and realize, shit, I don’t want nobody takin’ my Bentley, and the rich people to stop pretending the poor folks are livin’ easy on the, what you guys call it, the “entitlements?” Because what everyone really wants is respect and to not be so lonely.
That’s the next thing I’m orderin’ tonight. The closest 100 people to your new place of residence? They have the same last name as you. I stole this idea from a Kurt Vonnegut book. We doin’ it. Everybody closest to you is gonna be a Smith, or a Goldberg, or a Kenobi for all I care. You know how you feel guilty when you ignore your sister’s texts? Boom. Same theory. Y’all all family now. Just like family, you don’t have to give them shit if you don’t want to, especially if sis keeps goin’ to rehab and stealin’ your shit, but she’s still your sis, and you’re gonna see what it’s like, grow some empathy muscles.
So that’s it. I don’t have shit to say tonight about taxes-this and taxes-that. Because I know that you guys with all the money are gonna give it because you’re all about to have new neighbors and brothers and sisters. Yeah, I know it sounds dreamy and crazy, and probably unconstitutional and shit. I don’t care. If you don’t do it I’m going all Vladimir on your ass, except the homophobe part. Oh, that’s another thing. Everybody can marry everybody, because I just said so. Don’t fuck with me! I can cut off the whole fucking internet with this iPhone. I bet ya’ll didn’t know it was me that hacked Sony. Mua-ha-hah! You didn’t think that dumb fuck Kim whatshisname could find his dick with a magnifying glass, didja? That guy can’t even build a rocket. And now, a surprise. Ladies and gentlemen, ED SNOWDEN! C’mon up, Ed. Bring Miss Thang. You guys ever bang in the Lincoln Bedroom? Tonight’s gonna be b-i-i-i-g. We figgin’ to party.
Skrillex! Take us out.