Kangaroo and Emu to be removed from Australia’s coat of arms.

The Kangaroo and Emu are to be removed from the official coat of arms of Australia to reflect the fact that the nation is going backwards.

The two beloved animals cannot easily walk backwards, and were chosen in 1912 as a metaphor for a country which is progressive, open-minded, forward thinking and tolerant.

“The Kangaroo and Emu will be removed from Australia’s official coat of arms forthwith,” began a statement from the office of the prime minister.

“These animals represent a nation which is moving forward socially, politically and ideologically, and these values do not represent modern-day Australia. For that reason, they will be removed.”

The significant change to the country’s national symbol was brought about to reflect the current policies in education, the environment, civil rights, media, immigration and defence, as well as the mainstream attitudes of the populace.

Australia carries the dubious honours of having the world’s largest per capita carbon footprint and the highest rate of mammal extinction. Both major political parties publicly endorse continued mining and burning of fossil fuels, and one its major river systems, the Murray-Darling Basin, has all but run dry due largely to climate change.

The nation’s youth possess some of the lowest rates of literacy and numeracy in the developed world, and the nation is famous for locking up asylum seekers in inhumane and expensive off-shore detention centres.

Australia has a stated aim to become one of the world’s top 10 producers of military weapons.

The sports mad nation recently forced one of its best Australian football players into retirement through incessant and hateful public racism. The treatment of Adam Goodes was so vitriolic and widespread that it features in two documentaries: The Australian Dream and The Final Quarter.

Meanwhile, thousands of patriots disregarded the requests of the traditional owners of Uluru and flocked to the rock in central Australia to climb the sacred site before it was officially closed in October 2019.

The country is living through the rise of popular right-wing leaders who win votes through attacks on minority groups, and multiple media organisations and journalists were raided by federal police in a direct attack on free speech.

To further impede free speech, the current government brought forward motions to ban protests against resource companies, and even to ban protests or secondary boycotts which target companies which support resource companies.

Meanwhile, Christian conservatives rushed through a religious freedom bill which gives religious organisations the right to discriminate against people on the basis of religion.

For all of these reasons, it was decided that animals which normally move forward are not effective ‘brand ambassadors’ for the nation.

The search has also begun for animals to replace the Kangaroo and Emu.

“We think Koalas are a good fit,” explained the current prime minister, Scott Morrison.

“As well as being cute and lovable, they spend most of their day eating, sleeping and moving very slowly, if at all — and this is perfect for a country with ever-increasing rates of obesity.”

A dog and cat have been suggested, to acknowledge the reality that introduced species take far greater precedence than native animals in the country. To further honour destructive introduced species and the damage Australian people have done to the environment in just over 200 years, the national symbol could include cane toads, foxes, camels, deer, rabbits, carp, brumbies, pigs and water buffalo.

“All of these animals are worthy candidates to stand on our coat of arms,” smirked the prime minister.

“It doesn’t really matter which animals are chosen, as long as they remind every Australian, and the rest of the world, that this country is steadily sliding backwards.”

Image:www.researchgate.net