{53} Dollars for words: Gratitude.

A thank you in which no names are mentioned.

A month ago, I got so fed up with medium’s new partner/member plan that I decided to slap a paypal link on my posts. It was mostly because the blatant devaluation of creativity pissed me off. It was…symbolic. Not because I thought anyone would ever send me money.

But…people did. And after a month of texting my mom and telling her that I got dollars for words — and I do. Every time — I came to realize that the exchange of funds for words offered something else, something…unexpected. It forced me to reevaluate what I considered valuable, because obviously, people were seeing something of value in what I had been considering just…a thing I did. I had to reconsider honesty, because if people were seeing value in this thing I did, I had to make sure it was the most honest thing I could do — even if it was scary as hell to do it. And I had to restructure how I see myself, because I spend so much time listening to the voices that whisper worthless, pointless, and there are so many others better than you, that accepting dollars for words meant I could no longer blindly accept that voice.

Suddenly, the easy thing has become impossible. In what was admittedly a somewhat petty act of rebellion, I inadvertently dared the universe to prove some shit wrong, and it did. You did. I keep saying thank you, privately, publicly…but I can’t actually find the words to express adequate gratitude for helping me start to break down walls that I’ve strained to keep in place my whole life. I’m not sure that adequate words exist.

I’ll keep trying, hopefully I won’t get too repetitive and boring, but…it’s important to try to get right.

In other news, I need to send a massive congratulations to Classical Sass, who has officially finished her year long daily posts. I can’t think of anything I’ve tried to do consistently that I’ve actually succeeded in doing for a full 365 days without fudging at least a little bit, and Sass has not only done this, but has done it ways that have made me laugh, cry, think, and cry some more. She will insist that she had any number of #failposts; I will counter that her #failposts are outweighed by the insight and humor her writing invariably contains. Sass, I hope you keep writing here, but if you don’t I will stalk you wherever you end up. It’s been a joy watching your words develop, and I can’t wait to see what else you come up with.