Meaning in the Mundane {11}: My brain keeps screaming.

This is about anxiety. Just so you know. It’s ok if you don’t read it. It’s just a meandering and full of my own personal opinions about anxiety and psychiatric treatment and in no way attempts to be fact. Just brain screams.

Sometimes I can’t tell if I have an anxiety disorder or not. I mean…I don’t have “traditional” panic attacks. I don’t not do things because I’m worried. But…the whole time I was at Ghostbusters, I kept watching the door in case some crazy person with a gun decided that lady ghostbusters was Not Okay. I worry about my dog whenever I’m not at home — to the degree that after a really bad thunderstorm while I was at work, I had to get gf to tell me that the residual mist could in no way be smoke from our apartment, which was clearly, for some reason, on fire.

And god forbid I write anything that has an even remotely negative tinge. Yeah. I’m gonna spend the whole night worried that I fucked everything up and will immediately be fired and therefore homeless, and who can I get to take care of my dog??

But really. Can’t decide if the anxiety is “bad enough” to seek actual treatment.

Because it’s just thoughts, and while, yes, sometimes I have to exert a bit of energy to keep the thoughts at bay, I mean…still…it’s just thoughts…right?

And then sometimes, I’m fine. Completely.

So I suppose the worst part of it is that I honestly can’t tell. Because when I finally decide — ok, I need help with this — it goes away.

Partially, this is probably because I have an inherent distrust of psychopharmaceuticals. I studied them. And I just don’t want to go there. At one point, I was seriously concerned that I might be bipolar. I had intense mood swings, and while the highs weren’t quite as high as the DSM describes, the lows were…low. And then, I was diagnosed with endometriosis and put on hormone therapy. The change was…almost immediate. My moods stabilized. Could the years of feeling crazy simply have been hormonal? And how close had I come to treating it solely as a brain chemistry issue?

But still. Now. The anxiety. Could that be hormonal, too? Why is this not better researched?? How the hell am I supposed to make an educated decision about treatment when entire systems of our body are disregarded, at least insofar as their potential effect on our psychological states are concerned??

I get that there are people who absolutely benefit from chemical treatment of mental conditions, and I would never ever tell someone to not pursue that kind of help. Any kind of help. But when it comes to my own mental health, I find myself caving to every fear and stigma that I would vehemently fight against, were they to come from the mouth of any friend or stranger that sought my advice.

For some reason, I can’t let those rules apply to me.

So I vacillate between fine and screaming brain, and the time in each camp is ever-so-slightly colored by the question, “which of these is my ‘normal’?” And how the hell would I ever know?

At any rate. Yay 11th day writing in a row. Time for hydration and dark chocolate — because that shit works, too.