Is He a Narcissist or Sleep Deprived?

Kim Korven, BA, LLB, LLM
13 min readApr 19, 2023

--

“’You want to take an otherwise peaceful evening and have an argument with me, and tell me how I’m getting something wrong and failing you, over this glass? After all of the big things I do to make our life possible — things I never hear a “thank you” for (and don’t ask for) — you’re going to elevate a glass by the sink into a marriage problem? I couldn’t be THAT petty if I tried. And I need to dig my heels in on this one. If you want that glass in the dishwasher, put it in there yourself without telling me about it. Otherwise, I’ll put it away when people are coming over, or when I’m done with it. This is a bullshit fight that feels unfair and I’m not just going to bend over for you.’” — Matthew Fray

Nearly every day, your husband refuses to do that little something.

It could be leaving his toast plate covered in crumbs and the knife — with a dollop of peanut butter on its blade — on the counter before he runs out the door to work in the morning. Leaving the toilet seat up. Refusing to take out the garbage.

Like Matthew Fray before his wife divorced him, every night your husband may be leaving a dirty glass by the sink, instead of placing it in the dishwasher.

Many times, you remind him, ever so nicely, to do this little something. Each time he explodes. He turns it around, making you the unreasonable one. He paints you as the problem.

It doesn’t bother him, so it shouldn’t bother you. You can’t make him change. You’re nagging him over something small. This is what he screams at you.

Each time, you feel more like his mother and less like his partner.

You can’t help but think that if your child did this, there would be consequences such as a time out.

You begin to look for reasons to explain why he’s being such a jerk. You google how he’s acting and find your answer: narcissism.

Narcissists act self-entitled, and they don’t care about another’s feelings.

This sounds like him. It’s an easy explanation that fits. It’s an easy reason to start thinking about divorce.

You’re still there because of your children.

What if narcissism isn’t the problem? What if his outbursts and lack of empathy are caused by something we take for granted in our busy lifestyles?

Wouldn’t you like to know? Especially if this information might be the foundation for saving your marriage, or for being able to have a civil conversation about leaving?

What is narcissism?

“Dear narcissus boy, I know you’ve never really apologized for anything
I know you’ve never really taken responsibility
I know you’ve never really listened to a woman
Dear me-show boy, I know you’re not really into conflict resolution
Or seeing both sides of every equation
Or having an uninterrupted conversation.” —
Alanis Morrisette

The dictionary defines narcissism as “excessive or erotic interest in oneself, one’s physical features, etc.”

The concept is derived from Greek myth. Narcissus was a hunter, born of a river god and a nymph. It had been prophesied that if he never saw himself, he would live a long life. Knowing this, his mother protected Narcissus from ever seeing himself.

He was a physically beautiful young man. Many looked at him and fell in love. He rejected them all and wasn’t kind. He treated them with distain. He saw himself as better than everyone around him.

One day in the woods the shy nymph Echo saw him and fell for him. She followed him. He tolerated this. Then she tried to hug him. Like all the others before her, Narcissus rejected her. Echo was heartbroken.

When the goddess of retribution and revenge Nemesis learned how Narcissus had treated Echo and the others, she led the young man to a still pool of water. Narcissus looked at himself in the water and fell in love for the first time. He fell hard.

His love was so strong he didn’t realize at first that he had fallen in love with the reflection of his own image. When he learned this, he realized he would never know the love of another person, as it is reciprocal. In contrast, Narcissus could only love himself.

He fell into despair. He committed suicide because his love could never be returned. In the way of myths, his body was then transformed into a flower, the narcissus.

From the origins of this myth, psychiatrists started writing about narcissism in the 20th century. Then came a diagnosis of the “narcissistic personality disorder” or NPD in 1980.

This is when it was officially recognized in the third edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder and criteria were established to diagnosis it.

NPD “is a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy per the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5).”

Presently it is estimated that approximately five percent (5%) of the population suffer from diagnosable NPD.

In a paper published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology in 2009, research disclosed that 6.2% of the population suffer from NPD, with 7.7% of males having this condition, and 4.8% of women.

The statistics beg the question: if only 7.7% of men have NPD, why do so many women believe their husbands are narcissists?

Is there another explanation?

“So much to do, there’s plenty on the farm
I’ll sleep when I’m dead
Saturday night I like to raise a little harm
I’ll sleep when I’m dead, hey” —
Warren Zevon

In North America, we idolize functioning on as little sleep as possible. We even have a name for careers in which humans routinely work more than 70 hours per week: extreme jobs. Extreme jobs are present in many industries, including investment banking, manufacturing, and the media industry.

In some countries, medical residents can work up to 80 hours per week, and up to 24 consecutive hours in one shift.

In 2017 Tony Robbins disclosed to Business Insider that he regularly works 16 hours a day, and sleeps for 3–5 hours each night.

People go to work and proudly tell their coworkers they slept five hours, and they’re functioning fine. I’ve done it. Have you?

What about all-nighters? I used to be proud of the all-nighters I pulled in law school and as a practising lawyer. Can you relate?

It’s what we do. We sacrifice sleep and our health for productivity.

We’re also sacrificing our relationships.

What is sleep deprivation? How common is it?

“But I’m not sleeping anymore, anymore
But I’m not sleeping anymore, anymore
I’m not sleeping
I’m not sleeping anymore” —
Counting Crows

The recommended amount of sleep for adults to function effectively and to maintain optimum health is 7 or more hours of sleep each night.

It’s not surprising that chronic sleep deprivation — repeatedly sleeping less than 7 hours each night — is recognized as something that is less than optimal for a person’s health.

The other form of sleep deprivation is acute sleep deprivation. It occurs when a person is awake for more than 24 hours.

Chronic sleep deprivation is the most common type. Some people have trouble falling asleep. Others — like me — often wake in the middle of the night, and have trouble falling back to sleep. Others work long hours.

All of these lead to chronic sleep deprivation.

The Center for Disease Control estimates that one-third of all adults in the United States get less than the recommended amount of sleep.

That may not seem significant until the percentage is compared to the percentages of men diagnosed with NPD.

One-third of the adult population suffering from sleep deprivation is more than four times the number of men suffering from NPD.

It is well documented that lack of sleep decreases our productivity and harms our health. In 2015, the American Academy of Sleep Medicine and Sleep Research Society published a Joint Consensus Statement regarding the amount of sleep. They agreed that habitually sleeping less than 7 hours each night also contributes to adverse health conditions including:

“weight gain and obesity, diabetes, hypertension, heart disease and stroke, depression, and increased risk of death. Sleeping less than 7 hours per night is also associated with impaired immune function, increased pain, impaired performance, increased errors, and greater risk of accidents.”

How does sleep deprivation compare to narcissism?

“… sleep deprivation is an illegal torture method outlawed by the Geneva Convention and international courts, but most of us do it to ourselves.” — Ryan Hurd

If you’re a parent, you’re familiar with tantrums. You remember your two-year old lying on their back on the floor, arms and legs flailing in the air, screaming at the top of their lungs. Even listening felt like a form of torture.

Likely you noticed a connection between at least one of these events, and how rested your child was. I remember my son trying to hit me when he was over-tired. He’s the one I remember lying on the floor, thrashing, and screaming. It was different with my daughter; when she became over-tired, she wouldn’t stop crying.

When they got like this, I couldn’t reason with them. Nothing worked except putting them to bed.

Adults are toddlers who grew up. It’s important to remember this.

The research demonstrates that sleep deprived adults can behave remarkably like toddlers, and like people with NPD.

There’s narcissism (undiagnosed) and there’s NPD.

At times, each person — formal diagnosis or not — can display narcissistic traits. “I make the best apple pie” or “no one else can calm a client like me” are examples of how we can be narcissistic without our behaviour resulting in a diagnosis.

We see it in toddlers who don’t care about hurting another’s feelings. “You’re the worst mom ever! I hate you!” after you say no.

In and of itself, this behaviour is not clinical. It is self-centered and hurtful, without amounting to a psychological condition.

The NPD diagnosis comes when an individual repeatedly engages in behaviours characterized by:

- grandiosity

- need for admiration, and

- lack of empathy for others.

Grandiosity can be seen when a person:

- boasts about reach or exaggerated accomplishments

- considers oneself to be more talented or intelligent than others

- dismisses or tries to one-up the achievements of others

- believes one doesn’t need anyone else to succeed

- fail to recognize one’s actions could harm others, and

- lashes out in anger when someone criticizes one’s point of view or points out a flaw in your plans.

Let’s consider an example when NPD is present. Bob’s employment contract authorizes him to take one hour for lunch. Bob always take 75 minutes. Numerous times the manager has talked to Bob about this. During these discussions, the manager has asked Bob to be back at his desk within 60 minutes.

Bob believes that he’s more productive than anyone else because he takes a 75-minute break. He thinks the manager is just going through the motions, to appease someone higher up in the power structure. Bob doesn’t care or even notice that his co-workers are upset by the extended lunch breaks. Who cares if they think it is unfair? Bob’s doing it to be productive.

Bob continues to believe this even after his manager tells him that the next time, there will be a letter of reprimand. Bob keeps taking 75-minute lunch breaks and is furious when the manager gives him the letter of reprimand. How dare she? She should be thanking you for being the best employee on her team.

Grandiosity is present, as Bob believes he’s more productive than everyone else on the team. Bob expects the manager to thank him for using time so wisely, instead of censuring him. Bob also doesn’t care what his co-workers think. This is what NPD can look like in the workplace.

An example in a marriage is: you both have demanding careers. Although you have an MBA and work in management and he works as a clerk, he is always commenting how important he is, and how he could have your job, except for affirmative action. When he says these things to you, he never notices the hurt look in your eyes, or sees you pull away.

Whenever you ask for help with the children, he gets very angry, and says it’s your job. He has more important things to do. He needs to relax because his job is so incredibly stressful. He also gets upset when you do not praise him for doing everyday parenting activities. You are expected to serve him, with joy in your heart or at least with a sense of duty.

Sleep deprivation can cause similar symptoms.

Sleep deprivation disrupts the executive functioning of the prefrontal cortex. This is the thinking portion of the brain.

Sleep deprivation also disrupts the ability of the frontal-cortex and the amygdala (the emotional control center) to communicate.

With this, the part of the brain that thinks ceases to be a ”sober second thought” when emotions come up.

When sleep deprived, often a person:

- doesn’t notice the other person’s emotions

- over-reacts to the other person’s emotions

- reacts in amplified ways (increased angry, sadness, depressed or anxiety)

- worries more about future events

- experiences more anxiety

- makes poorer decisions

- is more prone to risky behaviours, such as saying things they might later regret

- experiences trouble listening

- acts with increased impulsivity, and

- is easily irritated.

One study even notes that sleep deprivation is ”associated with a decreased ability to accept blame.”

That’s something I hear a lot from women who have concluded their husbands are narcissists.

Here’s an example of sleep deprivation in a relationship. At the end of the evening, after watching a tv episode with your husband, you notice the dishes haven’t been done. You remind him it is his night to do the dishes.

He gets upset. He says, “why are you telling me now? I’m ready for bed and you’re telling me now! This isn’t fair! Why are you doing this to me?”

It looks like narcissism until you consider the broader context.

This is from a man who shows no signs of grandiosity. He is incredible at something, yet never mentions it or does anything to share his incredible talent or skill. You’ve never seen him try to one-up anyone. Most times, he’s considerate of others’ feelings. At work and with friends and family, he never lashes out.

He only lashes out and yells at you.

He usually sleeps less than 7 hours each night.

It’s not narcissism. He needs more sleep. He’s acting this way because he’s over tired. His brain is temporarily impaired. In this state, he’s less capable of emotional regulation. Negative responses increase, and he has less empathy.

We accept it with our children. We might consider this with our husbands, before concluding narcissism is at play.

How do I know if this is narcissism or sleep deprivation?

“Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important … They justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves.”T.S. Eliot

Although there are two ways to discover if your husband‘s a narcissist, it’s not like flipping a coin.

With one approach, a professional makes a diagnosis. With the other, you’ll need to think of his behaviour and answer some questions.

The first approach creates the most accurate answer. You can ask him to be tested by a psychologist to see if he suffers from NPD. This is the only way to know for certain if he is a narcissist.

If he refuses to see a psychologist, there’s a straightforward way to consider if he has many narcissist traits or if he is sleep deprived.

Think about your husband, and answer these 7 questions:

1. how many hours on average does he sleep each night?

2. Is he boastful, or does he hide his talents and skills from the world?

3. Are there times of the day when his decisions make sense to you?

4. Are there times of the day, or on the weekends, when he responds to what you say, instead of reacting to it or gaslighting?

5. Does he notice your emotions, or emotional reactions of your children?

6. Does it always have to be his way?

7. What are his interactions like with people at work, or extended family? How does he talk about these people when he is with you?

If he sleeps less than 7 hours, hides his talents, and has periods when he makes good decisions and pays attention to your emotions, it might not be narcissism. He could be sleep deprived.

What can I do about this behavior?

“I’m really gonna miss you picking fights … And me falling for it, screaming that I’m right” — Taylor Swift

His narcissistic behavior has turned your life upside down. You’ve been yelling as a means of coping and you’re tired of it. There’s one reason why you haven’t left: you’re worried about the impact on your children.

Knowing the difference between narcissism and sleep-deprivation changes your options.

If he’s sleep deprived, it’s possible to talk to him — when he’s well rested — about your experience with interacting with him when he’s tired. He might hear you. He might decide to get more sleep.

You might be able to save your marriage.

Alternatively, you might decide it doesn’t make a difference if he’s a narcissist or sleep deprived; you’re done living with him. You want your life back.

Either way, it’s healthy for you to stop getting pulled in when he’s twisting situations to paint you as the problem.

You’re not the problem.

He’s the one who’s bat-sh!t crazy, not you.

To turn the situation around when he’s gaslighting and acting like a narcissist / sleep deprived, sign up and learn my BSC Game — Bat-Sh!t Crazy Game. Until now, I’ve saved it for my clients.

It’s a way to be able to giggle when he’s gaslighting. You’ll save your sanity and will be able to start planning next steps.

--

--

Kim Korven, BA, LLB, LLM

Retired lawyer who guides people in conflict to remember and act as the CEOs of their lives while acting with grace to transform what is possible.