Danna, I agree with most of what you’ve written, but not this.

We probably have different biases at play.

I have an extremely abusive and neglectful mother, but my late father was very nurturing and protective. Frankly, although I’m now in my thirties, I’ve never had any children and I’ll probably never be a mother. My having an abusive mother is likely a factor in that.

You obviously had a very cold, unloving father but a loving and devoted mother. You indirectly mentioned being a mother yourself. Plus, you’re reinforced by how our culture emphasizes motherhood over fatherhood. (An example: When Madison Avenue marketing firms want parents to buy something for their children, they assume their targets are always female. “Choosy moms choose Jif!”)

Growing up in a situation where my father was the parent I developed a loving attachment to instead of my mother, I’ve felt left behind by a cultural assumption of maternal bonding.

Growing up with a very abusive mother who I don’t love (she’s done nothing to deserve my love) I’ve had to teach myself that other people’s experiences are different. Most people have mothers who were at least somewhat loving and nurturing. There are a lot more “deadbeat dads” than “deadbeat moms.” My psyche is filled with anger and dread at the very sound of the word “mother.” But other people hear the word “mother” and it feels joyful and comforting.

I really don’t believe that women have an inate ability to nurture and parent that men lack. There are occasional situations like mine where the male parent has to take more responsibility for nurturing a child because the woman who gave birth to them couldn’t give a fuck about their needs or feelings. (What kind of a mother lets their adult child live in homeless shelters while they have a $300,000/year job?!)

I’m really sorry about your father. He sounds like a real asshole who should’ve just sent your mother child support money and stayed the hell away from you as a kid. Unfortunately exposure to him probably tainted your feelings about men in general, understandably so. (It was especially tough for me, as a woman, to learn to respect myself and other women and to realize that my mother’s… sociopathy has nothing to do with us as a gender.)

Throughout human history, women are more likely to bond with children because we give birth to them, therefore maternity isn’t questionable the way paternity is. But I doubt that there’s some talent for nurture that women have that men lack.