Part 2: How to give a great 1:1

The four types of tough 1:1ees

(This is part 2 of a 3-part series. I’d recommend first reading How to give a great 1:1).

After I’d discovered the power of 1:1s as a new manager, I quickly discovered that all 1:1s are not created alike. Some of my 1:1s always felt smooth and productive, while others didn’t seem as impactful. I remember one regular 1:1 that honestly took willpower not to cancel, while others had me stretching for topics or cutting off conversation 10 minutes overtime.

A 1:1 is a uniquely personal professional meeting; a cross product of the personalities of its participants. It’s natural to feel better about some sessions than others, but to get the full power of 1:1s in your organization it is important to maintain a regular cadence with each and every team member. For some people, you’ll find that easy. For the others, I leave you this guide.

The quiet one. Some team members just aren’t very comfortable interacting one-on-one. Maybe they are naturally reserved, perhaps they’ve had a bad experience with something they’ve said being used against them.

Unfortunately one-sided conversations take effort to sustain, and so quiet team members get disproportionally deferred, or regularly cut short, which makes me (at least) feel guilty.

To deal with a quiet person, start with structure. Encourage an agenda, so you both are clear on what is next. Ask a lot of questions — work related and otherwise. Get comfortable with a sustained pause (which might feel awkward), and create the flexibility for shorter conversations as needed.

The talkative one. Then there’s the team members who are a little too comfortable talking one on one — those with so much to say that they regularly take over the whole meeting and run over.

To deal with these folks, start by scheduling a bit more time. You don’t have to be equal with your time to be fair for your team members; everyone is a little different. If you can’t schedule more time (or even if you can), go on a walk or schedule late in the day so there’s a clear end to the conversation.

The talkative team member is one case where you don’t want to give them full control of the conversation, or you’ll never get to your feedback or agenda items. Interleave your agendas in advance to make sure you get to everything that’s most important for each of you.

If you’re the talkative one, exercise discipline. Pause often, and limit the points you generate to half the number your team member initiates.

The defensive one. A 1:1 with someone defensive can feel like a roller-coaster ride. You’ve been having this delightful conversation, then you accidentally hit a nerve, and the situation deteriorates quickly.

Defensive employees are extremely difficult to work with, so first and foremost, take a hard look at whether that defensiveness is toxic beyond your 1:1s. Consider seriously whether this person should be in your organization.

In the meantime, you do need to actually have 1:1s, and you often need to deliver feedback during these meetings (frequently feedback about being defensive!). Usually, I kick things off by asking how they prefer to receive feedback. This sounds simple, but can have a big impact. Once, a team member told me he liked to get warning that I had critical feedback so he could mentally prepare. I complied, and his defensiveness almost disappeared. In general, most folks who struggle with defensiveness prefer a verbal signal that they can expect feedback — “I have some feedback on…”

For the defensive crowd (and in general), it’s often useful to get them to state their own feedback first. “How did you think that went?” “Give me two examples of things you did well, and one example of something you’d improve.” Then you can jump in and provide clarification.

Defensiveness is different from harassment or abuse. If you find yourself uncomfortable in a 1:1, it’s time to bring in HR.

The absent one. It’s really hard to have successful 1:1s if the person you’re trying to meet with doesn’t show up. While in some companies this kind of absence would be grounds for termination, most of us have more flexible cultures that tolerate occasional absences. Unfortunately it’s hard to give someone feedback for missing a 1:1 during a 1:1 that you never hold.

Verify the time and venue works for them, and explicitly give them responsibility for rescheduling if they can’t make it. On average I schedule absence-inclined employees for more frequent 1:1s on the logic that even if we miss a few, we’ll still be ahead. If all else fails, being an active participant in 1:1s is part of your team members’ responsibilities. Make that clear, and don’t be afraid to take a less flexible stance if absences continue to be an issue.

The people you have 1:1s with won’t always fall neatly into one of these archetypes. Each will have their own strengths and challenges, and represents a new opportunity to become better at holding productive 1:1s. It’s not always easy, but it’s important to keep at it — for the effectiveness of your team and success of your organization.

Learn more about delivering great 1:1s in Part 3: Situational 1:1s.