Why I Don’t Belong Anywhere & That’s Okay

Born in the Netherlands, raised with asian-oriented values, the last been chosen on a sport team, one of the underdogs from high school, neither feeling 100% Dutch or Chinese. A few of things to let me miss a sense of belonging anywhere.

I used to hate this feeling with guts. A feeling I want to erase so badly. It always seemed fun to me being around in a group of friends in which you felt in synch with. Or having your own dance squad where you together attend dance competitions with. Hoping that’s no one recognizes you as a foreigner when you are visiting your family in Hongkong, but of course they do. Or classmates not looking judgemental at you while you bring asian pastries with you to enjoy during lunch break. I missed a group feeling in anything that I was involved with my life in general.

However, if I now recall, I am also partly doing it myself. I’ve never put enough effort to actually be in a group. Because deep down, I don’t feel the need to do it, I just don’t feel like it to only learn Chinese fluently in order to feel 100% Chinese. Or on the other hand, practise all Dutch traditions & hope to somehow “fit in”. And I also think that if you need to do so much effort to fit in anywhere, then it just means you don’t belong in it. That’s okay. That’s totally fine. It only makes me more miserable if I, in fact, belonged to a group where it makes me compromise to much that I don’t feel happy anymore.

That’s it. I just don’t belong in anything, because I believe I’m not entitled to. It’s not bad or sad for me, but just not for me. And I never have thought about it first:

It’s not that I don’t belong in anything, it’s because I can belong anywhere where my heart desires.

I’m not restricted in that sense. Therefore, I’m not my native country nor my ancestors country. I’m not only someone when I’m a girlfriend, friend, sister or daughter. I can only be myself when I don’t restrict myself and don’t tell myself that I should belong anywhere.

At this point, I’m actually pretty happy about it. I grew up with Asian values but ended up adjusting it to a point where I can still be myself. I learned to tolerate and accept the two extreme differences between an individualistic country where I grew up with & the values of a group-oriented country. I learned to speak up my opinion, while making sure I’m not making anyone “losing face”. I’m happy to have met friends who gets me when I say that I don’t like to be around all the time. I’m happy to have reunited with a high school friend, to heard from him that he normally don’t like to talk with people, but doesn’t feel that with me.

Because I can belong anywhere, that’s the beauty of it.

That’s the beauty of not fitting in.

Originally published at www.ramblesbykim.wordpress.com