What to do when someone calls you out or calls you in | How to get better at hearing you are imperfect & still learning

Calm, Clarify, Apologize, Heal

In my work supporting leaders and curating cultures of belonging, I am often asked what to do when someone is called out or called in. There is no one-size-fits-all or quick answer, but I do have some helpful ideas that when taped together make up a pretty cozy roadmap for how to move through these moments and come out better on the other side.

I often think of “calling someone out” as being a more public, immediate action that is appropriate, to stop words or actions that are actively hurting someone. It may be reactive to disrupt discriminatory behavior. Whereas, I think of “calling someone in” as a more proactive, holistic & compassionate approach that is intended to help someone understand the impact of their behavior and encourage them to commit to changing it. They are both important approaches for different situations, people, and offenses.

So, you’ve been called out or called in — calm the f’ down

Take a deep breath. Likely, that person didn’t say you are a terrible person, what they said was some version of what you did hurt me. Our brains have evolved to be pretty awful at differentiating danger from discomfort — so when someone says, “hey, what you did hurt me” the threat to our good person identity is mistakenly translated as “I am in danger — fight, flight, or freeze until the pre-historic monster goes away.” Our silly ol’ brains are trying to protect us, but can inadvertently cause harm by taking us out of the moment, amping up our adrenaline, and literally telling us to fight back, run away, or shut down. Here’s what I recommend to calm your sympathetic nervous system.

• Name what is happening. This is often called labeling. “Oh, I am having a fight, flight, freeze response.” It allows us to step back a bit and notice what is happening. It's the difference between watching the train go by from the station vs jumping onto the moving train that is speeding through the station.
• I try to say something like, “I want to take a moment to consider what you just said and get myself into the right head-space to be really present with you.” Admittedly, I am trying real hard to freak out on the inside, listing all the reasons they are wrong and I am a good person, so I need to breathe and slow down.
• Take 3–5 deep, slow, intentional breaths. This is a signal to your body and brain that you are ok, choosing to calm, and do not need to go into survival mode right now.
• Develop a calming mantra, put it on a post-it, get it tattoed on your hand. Mine is super sophisticated — “I am ok. I am safe. I am ok. I am safe.” My actions and words are convincing my body & brain of the truth of this current situation. This mantra can happen simultaneously with the breath, too.

Usually, but not always this has the desired impact of slowing us back down, allowing us to come back into this moment, and have what may or may not be a hard conversation. I often recommend folks write this on paper and put it somewhere accessible when you feel those panic buttons firing. If you are triggered, the last thing you can do is troubleshoot, so have your cheat sheet ready as support.

Ok, I calmed down, now what? Hide? Should I hide? Disappear?

You can’t hide from the truth, y’all

I wish there was a clear cut, what happens next bulleted list I could offer. The truth is every situation is different because every person is different. The good news is the more we reframe these experiences as growth, learning, and good discomfort, the less scary they feel when it happens. The best scenario would be that you are able to have more of a conversation than a couple of monologues. However it shakes out, keep an eye on your defensiveness and natural desire to want to save face, look & feel good, and be right. You have the power to turn a difficult conversation into a positive experience in the long run. I recommend starting with some version of this:

Thank the person for trusting you enough to say something. It takes a lot of courage and a good bit of blind faith to call someone out or in. Especially when most of us have a pretty negative history with doing so (hence this list to save the world and bring about world peace, no biggie). If someone has said something to you, it indicates they trust you a lot, believe you wouldn’t intentionally cause them harm, you can/will/want to do better, your ego can take it, and you value them. The alternative is that whatever they are bringing up has gotten so bad, so hurtful, so debilitating that the risk of speaking up is more palatable than allowing the behavior to continue. Sooooo, let’s hope it’s the trust goodies. Regardless, acknowledging the risk by expressing appreciation is a great first step. “Thank you for saying something. I know that can’t have been easy.”

Ask if they are willing to say more so you can understand. This may be asking clarifying questions, listening to a story, or hearing a fairly vague recounting of what might feel like a traumatic event to them. Don’t press too hard, resist the urge to explain or make excuses. Listen with curiosity and humility. “I want to be sure I understand, do you have the energy to talk a bit more about what happened and when so I have clarity & context?” “Is there anything else you want me to know about what happened and how you feel?”

Believe them. Seriously, just start from a place of belief and you are already a million miles ahead of most of the population. If someone tells me they were harassed at a school and my brain starts dissecting or debating their story — I immediately remind myself to assume it is true and believe them. If someone tells me I misgendered them, they are right. I don’t need to make excuses or weasel my way out of looking bad. This is especially true if the person calling us out or in is speaking about a part of their identity that we do not share. So, believe them like you would any expert living these experiences on a daily basis. Maybe there is some teeny tiny percentage of folx who will play the victim — but I would argue, that tendency is the result of generally not feeling seen, heard, and believed. The second your brain starts telling you things like “It was only a joke…”, or “That has to be an exaggeration…” or “She’s so melodramatic & emotional...” or “It can’t be that bad…” You, my friend, need to say to yourself and them — I believe you and f’ing mean it.

Reflect what you heard. You’ve gotten clarity, you believe every word, and are setting your ego aside. LOOK AT YOU GO!!! Now let’s be sure there aren’t any misunderstandings or misinterpretations of information. Reflect back to them exactly what you heard them say. Not word for word, but a distilled recounting. “You said that you feel dismissed when I interrupt you in meetings. That it feels unsafe to share and that there is pressure to talk quickly before I interrupt you.” This is not about fixing or jumping to a solution. This is about ensuring the person feels seen & heard and that you really do understand the issue. Give them the green light to correct or redirect any misunderstandings.

Empathize & Connect. If you have had a similar experience, mention what you have in common — this still ain’t about you, boo. “I know when I have had similar experiences of feeling diminished by my supervisor, I felt incredibly hurt and regret that I caused that same harm to you.” It can also be really impactful for both of you if you focus on what you learned about them. “I noticed that you really care about how we communicate as a team. Does that ring true?” “I learned you hold fairness as a core value. I do, too”, “I appreciate how you advocate for the needs of others. It sounds like it is really hard sometimes.” This is connecting through our humanity and remembering that we are all people first, even at work.

Apologize. If you need to take some time to think about all of it, that can be ok to say and do, providing you really do follow-up. The danger, of course, is that you will ghost them or that the issue will grow as it is left to fester. So, set a date that you will follow up with each other and do your best to resist the urge to avoid or catastrophize in the meantime. Talk to that friend or colleague that you think can help you process the experience and support you in taking the next steps. If something happened in public, you may also need to do some restorative justice & aknowledgement to repair the harm to the community.

*A note about tears

You may be like me and find your eyes filling with water in times of extreme stress, frustration, guilt, shame, joy, when unlikely animal friends are on the screen… Crying at work feels so embarassing. It is also totally human and surprisingly common. So, if tears make you uncomfortable coming out of someone else’s face I invite you to consider the unhealthy biases against emotion vs the benefits of emotional intelligence & awareness. If you are a crier, consider letting the other person off the hook, “I cry sometimes when I feel stress/disappointed in myself, I don’t want for this to derail our conversation. I’d like to continue to manage my emotions if you’re ok with conitnueing and not feeling pressure to fix or address them.” For white women especially, I think it is important to be aware of the historical weaponization of our tears and, therefore, the impact that it can have in a conversation with a person of color. Let’s name that sh*t and own it.

Difficult converstaions don’t have to be hard

Anatomy of an Apology

If & when it comes time to apologize, most of us do a pretty shabby job of it. We sort of combine I’m sorry with a rationalization that makes us look & feel more in alignment with our self-image. A real, truthful, apology requires a crap-ton of humility and acceptance of our imperfect selves. Following is a list of what it seems most experts on the subject agree is required to have an impactful apology.

1. Express Remorse — literally saying “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” and truly deeply meaning it. If you don’t really mean and feel it, the attempted apology can do more harm to everyone involved. If you aren’t ready to apologize in the moment then you can take more time to reflect but see the warning above.
2. Acknowledge the Harm/Hurt — this can be tough because most of us don’t like to think of ourselves as capable of hurting others and it can challenge our wholesome self-image. This is you continuing to reflect what you heard from them. “I’m so sorry I hurt you”, “I hurt your feelings when I said I don’t trust you.”, “I understand it feels unfair that I gave Tad the promotion and didn’t interview you.”
3. Take Responsibility — just like acknowledging harm, being accountable for our actions can feel really tough — it is so much easier to pass the buck and blame someone else. However, no matter what other forces were at play, taking responsibility for our actions can move everyone towards healing. “What I said was out of line”, “I should not have interrupted you during the meeting”, “I definitely didn’t handle that like the professional I want to be”.
4. Provide Helpful Context — do not read that as “delicately blame others and/or make excuses”. There is a difference between explaining behavior & offering context for misunderstanding vs making excuses to justify bad behavior. You might say, “I only heard part of the conversation and jumped to conclusions without asking you first.” or “I made that inappropriate joke and am so embarrassed that I thought it, let alone said it” or “I had (a terrible migraine/stressful morning with the kids/had a fight with my wife) and unfairly took my frustration out on you.” You might NOT say, “I didn’t have breakfast, and I was really tired, and my kids are jerks, and Carrie told me half the story to get me all riled up, and so I couldn’t help it.” One style offers context while remaining accountable, the other offers excuses.
5. Repair and/or Commitment — this is our opportunity to restore faith & trust. If they haven’t stated what sort of restorative action they need, it’s a good idea to ask rather than assume. They may not know and you might need to offer some ideas to each other. Once we know those things, we can commit to doing better and stating such. These are often “I will…” statements. “Your friendship is important to me, so I will give you some space and I am committed to doing my own work to understand more about the history of the ’N’ word.” “I will commit to always using your correct pronoun and remind others to do so, as well.” “I commit to earning back your trust by doing…”
6. Request forgiveness — be extra careful not to add a helping of guilt or a spoonful of passive-aggressive victim-blaming here. Something as simple as “I hope you can forgive me” can do wonders. If you’re feelin’ fancy you might say, “I value our relationship and hope you will forgive me in time. I appreciate your willingness to listen to my apology”.
7. Do the work. With the entirety of the world accessible, there is really no excuse for not educating ourselves. If you have committed to learning something, learn it, share it. Once you’ve done that, keep on learning and opening your lens to include more diversity of lived experiences, perspectives, stories, and beliefs. While the other person is under no obligation to forgive us we are obliged to do the work no matter what.

This is what self-care could like Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash

Be gentle with yourself.

You are not the first person to say the wrong thing, hurt someone, learn something the hard way, or be unaware of the nuances of specific social-cultural issues. You won’t be the last. You definitely aren’t the first person to be called out or called in and definitely won’t be the last. While showing up with empathy for the other person, remember to also offer some empathy for yourself. If you are willing, you can and will learn something from the experience. We all have that inner-critic chorus ready to drag us down into the depths — if you catch yourself doing more than holding yourself accountable — I find it incredibly helpful to think about my best friend, my weirdo cat, or my friend’s toddler and, if I wouldn’t talk to them like I’m talking to myself, then I need to change my tune. If I can make a plug for mental fitness, mental health, mental wellness, and all of the resources that exist to support us — there is no shame in needing help and asking for it from a professional.