Advice I Would Give to Graduates in a Commencement Speech If I Ever Have the Chance

Springtime is usually the season in the United States where seniors in high school and college are going through the annual ritual known as Graduation. As part of that ritual, a high school/college/university will usually invite an older non-student as a guest to give a lecture known as the Commencement Speech where that guest will impart words of wisdom to the graduates that are supposed to sustain them through life. Sometimes that guest is a celebrity (like Oprah Winfrey or Stephen Colbert) but the vast majority of these speakers are less famous yet they are supposed to be highly respected in the community.

Sometimes the speeches are reported on by the mainstream media, especially if they were given by a celebrity. Sometimes a speech becomes so controversial that they become viral, such as the notorious “You’re Not Special” speech that was given by Wellesley High teacher David McCullough in 2012.

From time to time I would fantasize about giving such a speech in front of an audience of young people who are eager and excited to move on with their lives. To date no one has invited me to give a Commencement Speech at any high school or college or university and I don’t expect such an invitation in the near future. But if someone were to invite me, this is the kind of speech I would give.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first thing I would like to tell you is congratulations for making it this far. All of you have worked hard to get here today and it’s obvious that you are eager to move on to your next phase of life. Rather than wax on poetically about the challenges you will face in the future, I’m going to give you some practical advice to life from an older adult who has been in the real world far longer than you have. Much of this advice comes from direct experience while others come from what I saw others go through.

First, wear sunscreen. A number of years ago this advice was falsely attributed to writer Kurt Vonnegut during a Commencement Speech at some college or university, except Vonnegut never actually gave any kind of speech that included the urge to wear sunscreen. That advice actually came from a Chicago Tribune columnist and Brenda Starr cartoonist named Mary Schmich in one of her columns where she was giving her own fantasy Commencement Speech. Never mind the controversy about the origins of that quote, wearing sunscreen is still very good advice since skin cancer is so common these days, especially in this era of climate change. While we’re on the subject of skin cancer, I would also advise you to avoid tanning beds. Not only do they increase the chances of getting skin cancer (including its most dangerous form, melanoma), but they also tend to prematurely age the skin just like spending excessive amounts of time under the sun with little or not protection.

Always listen to your gut instinct (or your intuition) regarding anything in life. If you have a bad feeling about whether to date a certain person or take a certain job or live in a certain neighborhood, trust that feeling. Don’t make that decision and seek alternatives. You’ll be glad you did in the long run. And don’t let other people pressure you into going down a certain path that you have a bad feeling about because chances are that your gut instinct or intuition was correct all along.

Do not rely on other people for your identity. The film Jerry Maguire has done more harm to people with its message “You [meaning the other person] complete me.” Let me tell you now that the only person who can complete you is yourself. Don’t give anyone else the power to give you your identity. That includes your parents, your teachers, your friends, or your significant other. Hopefully if you follow the rest of my advice in this speech, you’ll eventually be able to complete yourself in time.

Choose a career path based on what suits you the best, not on what your parents, significant other, or lifelong best friend since grade school tells you what you must pursue. While other people may have good intentions in their advice, only you can decide what career you want to pursue. If you’re still unsure about your long term career goals, seek a professional career counselor or job coach. A competent professional will help point you in the right direction while being realistic about how hard or easy it is to enter a certain profession.

A social studies teacher I had in my senior year of high school told us that just because we decide on a certain career path doesn’t mean that we will stick with that same career path throughout our adult lives and we shoudn’t be afraid of altering or changing a career path entirely. She went on to mention that there are times when one goes to college, one may decide that a certain major isn’t right for himself/herself so one ends up changing majors. Or finding out after college that a career path isn’t the right one after all so one would end up changing careers. It turned out that she was correct in the long run. I would add that even if you do decide on a lifelong career path you may not stay on that same career path until retirement because the nature of work changes over time. Technological innovations will render some job positions obsolete or even the method used to do your job will become obsolete.

Here is one example: When I was in high school I learned how to type on a typewriter. I had to learn how to be as accurate as possible in my typing because mistakes were harder to correct, especially if you didn’t catch them before removing the paper from the typewriter. If I wanted to make an extra copy of whatever I was going to type, I had to take a sheet of thin onion skin paper. Then I had to take a sheet of carbon paper and lay that on top of the onion skin paper. Then I had to take a sheet of plain white paper and lay that on top of the carbon paper. Then I had to carefully put the stacked three sheets into the typewriter (while making sure that the plain white paper is the layer that’s on top) then type whatever I needed to type.

These days computers have rendered typewriters obsolete. Most word processing software will use a red underline to highlight potential mistakes. Correcting mistakes is as easy as making a few keystrokes. The original typed document can remain on your hard drive so you can print more than one copy on a printer without having to use messy carbon paper. Of all the skills I learned in taking two years of typing in high school, the only skill I learned in that class that’s still relevant today is knowing the QWERTY keyboard because that’s the same keyboard that computers use.

In other words, always be open to retraining, whether it’s through your employer or through a local community college or through a local nonprofit group (such as a STEM center) because your future career prospects will depend heavily on how willing you are to keep your skills updated as time goes on.

Go on at least one trip outside of the country in your lifetime. It is said that travel broadens your horizons and, based on personal experience, I found that to be true. As of this writing I’ve been to Canada, Jamaica, Bermuda, the Bahamas, and the United Kingdom and I found all of these trips to be enriching and educational for me. I learned a lot about how different people live their lives and I found myself to be far less judgmental towards people who are different from me than I used to be.

Don’t be afraid of learning a new language. Or learning a new skill of some kind. Furthering your education, whether it’s through going back to college or through some other kind of training, can only enhance your life both personally and professionally.

Sometimes you need to turn off the computer, mobile device, and/or TV set and just go outside. There’s a big difference between smelling a real rose and seeing one on the screen. Face to face interactions with real people are far different from sending texts and e-mails to someone who’s not in the same space as you are. You might meet someone new you would not have met otherwise or encountered a new experience you would not have otherwise experienced had you stayed glued to a screen of some kind.

Join Meetup.com, sign up for a few groups in your area based on your own personal interests, and just go to these events in person. You’ll get to meet other people out there who may help you get a better paying job or became a close friend of yours or even meet someone whom you’d like to become romantically involved with. Besides we all need to keep up with our social skills, which is better honed when meeting people face to face than typing some comment on someone’s blog or Facebook post.

You don’t need to document everything in your life for your blog, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Imgur, Reddit, Flickr, Snapchat, or some up and coming social media site. Sometimes you’ll get more out of something if you simply enjoy the moment instead of focusing on recording it for posterity.

Visit your local public library. Sometimes you’ll find out about something that really excites you that you would not have discovered otherwise.

Try to think twice before posting anything online. What you put on the Internet will pretty much stay forever, even if you delete it later. The Internet Archive may still have your original embarrassing uploads archived in its many servers. People may have downloaded what you uploaded online before you deleted it and they could always share it to other people. Potential employers and universities could do a Google search on your name and find that old Facebook photo from a few years ago of you puking in a toilet with a beer bottle nearby on the floor that you (or someone else) tagged with your name. Once it’s online, it’ll probably stay online forever.

That advice is especially relevant if you decide to have children. You might think it’s cute to share pictures online of your naked baby lying on a fur rug but that same picture could mortify your child years later. That same picture tagged with your child’s name could also make him/her a target for any bully who happens to come across that picture. Or it might be discovered by a pedophile who becomes so aroused by it that this person may even track down your home. Once a photo of your child goes online, it’ll probably stay online forever.

Another example of something that will stay forever is a tattoo. I’ve never gotten one myself because I don’t like needles. I know that it’s your body and you should do whatever you want with it. But keep in mind a few things before you go to a tattoo parlor. Some tattoos may become distorted over time due to weight gain, weight loss, or wrinkling skin. I’ve seen such distorted tattoos on older people and they aren’t a pretty sight. If you want a tattoo despite what I’ve just said, at least get one in an area of your body that can easily be covered with clothing all year round. Many workplaces are still reluctant to hire people with a huge amount of visible tattoos because many older bosses equate a lot of tattoos with thugs and convicted criminals. Don’t have tattoos on your face — would you really want to stare at them in the mirror every time you brush your teeth or comb your hair? (And that’s not to mention my earlier comment regarding workplace attitudes towards tattoos.)

And, please, don’t have the name of your current significant other or spouse tattooed on your body. There are way too many horror stories of people who did just that only to regret it later. Just because you’re in a stable relationship now doesn’t mean that you’ll be in that same relationship 1, 5, 10, or even 50 years from now, especially given the high divorce rate. I was in a long marriage myself until my husband left me for someone else. Had I gotten his name tattooed on my body before he left, I would’ve had to fork over a lot of money to either get a tattoo artist to create a new tattoo for me that would somehow obliterate his name or get a dermatologist to have his name removed via lasers. Otherwise it would be awkward for me to date guys with names like Dave, Tim, John, Paul, Randy, or Steve while I have the name “Michael” tattooed somewhere on my body. Some people advise just tatooing the names of your children because those relationships are more stable. That’s great if you still maintain a close relationship with them as they reach adulthood. But I’ve known people who, for a variety of reasons, are no longer on speaking terms with their parents and they are not in the least bit interested in reconciling with them.

In short, just avoid having someone else’s name tattooed on your body.

And while I’m speaking about dating and significant others, I’d like to say that whatever qualities your current boyfriend or girlfriend whom you’ve recently start dating start to exhibit will eventually get more prominent the longer you stay with that person, especially if you opt to move in with that person or even marry him or her. A person who’s attentive, romantic, and loving will remain more attentive, romantic, and loving after cohabitation or marriage. A person who starts to boss you around during the dating phase will become more of a bossy control freak after marriage. A person who tends to drink heavily during dates will drink even more after that marriage until that person becomes a full-blown alcoholic. A person who hits you so hard that you develop a small bruise will do far worse the longer you stay with that person. A single small bruise will become an even larger bruise then go on to sprained bones, broken bones, more serious injuries, permanent disabilities, and even death. Pay attention during the dating phase to any red flags and be prepared to drop that person if that person is starting to act in ways that you find personally alarming. This advice is not only for women but it’s also for men as well since females can be abusers.

Abuse isn’t always physical. There are abusers who would never lay a finger on another person yet chooses to abuse someone else through verbal and emotional abuse. Non-physical abuse can leave scars to its victims that are just as deep and difficult to get over as physical abuse.

It’s better to live the rest of your life alone than with someone who is abusive (either mentally, emotionally, or physically). At least with living alone you won’t have to worry about inadvertently saying or doing something that could trigger something in your spouse or partner and start some kind of unnecessary drama. Nor do you have to spend your time and energy avoiding such drama in your own home.

Get married and start a family only when you feel ready to take those major steps. Rushing on those two steps in order to please your family or society will result in remorse, a possible divorce, and maybe even strained relationships with whatever children you do have further down the road.

Always keep this phone number handy: 1–800–799-SAFE (7233). It’s the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Hopefully you’ll never need to use it but if you do, there will be people on that line willing to help you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Don’t teach your younger sisters, nieces, and daughters how to avoid getting raped. Instead teach your younger brothers, nephews, and sons to not rape anybody. Period.

If you are struggling in a difficult relationship with a parent or a friend or a significant other, sometimes it’s better to just let go and walk away from that person. The more you struggle with that relationship, the more you’ll be in a codependent relationship, which isn’t healthy for you or that other person. A codependent relationship is one that’s emotionally draining and can prevent you from noticing the other things in life that could give you peace and joy.

Don’t waste your time being overly focused about the past. You can’t change your past even if you want to. Being obsessed on what happened in the past will result in you missing out on potential new opportunities that could enrich your life. The only thing you can do is learn from whatever mistakes you’ve made in your past and focus on not repeating them in the present so you can have a better future than you would if your mind is constantly stuck in the past.

If you never find a spouse or have children, don’t feel like a failure. There are other ways you can be useful on this planet besides having a family. You could volunteer to tutor children in a homeless shelter. You could teach a class through a local STEM center. You could mentor a kid growing up in a lower income single parent household. You could volunteer at a local animal shelter. You could adopt a child who’s hard to place because he/she has a major disability or is a minority. There are a lot of other things you can do that will not only enrich yourself but also the lives of those you help.

Provide help only to those who really want it. Nagging an alcoholic or drug addict or an obese person or someone with deep personal problems to get help isn’t going to work. Giving advice to someone who doesn’t want it will produce only resentment towards you. The bottom line is that you can’t force someone to accept help from you, no matter how well intentioned, if he or she is highly resistant to it.

Don’t be afraid of asking a friend, relative, or a trusted coworker for help on anything (whether it’s personal or professional) if you need it. No one is an island capable of doing everything all the time. You’ll be amazed at the number of people who will be willing to help you if you ask for it.

Always be honest and truthful. It’s easier to get your facts straight when being truthful than it is if you are telling a lie that’s so elaborate that you begin to spout inconsistencies the more people you tell that fake story to.

Practice good health on a regular basis. Get at least 6–8 hours a sleep each night. Brush your teeth a few times a day. Eat a balanced diet with more fiber and healthy fats and less sugar, saturated fats, and empty calories. Don’t smoke tobacco. Try to do as much physical activity on a daily basis as you can. Even if you’re only able to walk, walking is a great form of exercise. Be moderate when consuming alcohol, sugar, or drugs.

The only person you can control 100% is yourself. Anyone who tells you otherwise is delusional. When it comes to raising children or dealing with other people in general, the best you can do is to give advice or show someone else how to do something and hope that the person will follow it. If the person opts not to listen to your advice or accept your help, don’t take it personally. Maybe the method you advocated doesn’t work for that person. Or maybe the person is in a position where he or she isn’t ready to do what you tell him/her to do right now but maybe that person will end up doing it months or years later. Or maybe the person found advice from someone else that works better for him/her than what you advocated. The bottom line is that you can only control yourself — not anyone else.

I hope you will benefit from what I’ve just said even if you won’t benefit from it immediately. I want to end this by telling you congratulations once again and I wish you well in whatever you do in the future.