A family.

A Family in Crisis.

If I were to describe us, from origin to presence, it would these words. This photo essentially captures it all. A moment of laughter. A defiant son. A clinging daughter. Parents behind them, taller, and yet, the father and son not touching.

Fast forward 50 years. Fifty. So many years. So many crisis’. Too much tea to spill. Too much dirty laundry to air. Too many tears to cry. I allow myself bathtub cries. Ugly crying as the tears dance and shimmy and roll. Get out, dry off, manage the day. My father is sick. My father is sick. My father is sick. I cannot find the right emotions or words for the sadness. This photo feels like someone else’s family. We are not a family. We are a series of trauma’s coming into a room, undigested.

My parents and I have done a ton of work together trying to move through the pain. I am not unresolved here. But my brother, the boy who was my hero, the, teenager who became my tormenter, the adult who is my heartbreak, well nothing has been resolved here. Not one thing.

So my father falls and falls and falls further into the other world and farther from his manhood or humanity or, human form and my brother holds onto things from 50 years ago. Half a century. He is losing his father but also, his own humanity. Or maybe, that’s been lost along the way.

I’m in prayer for my own strength and ability to remain open hearted, more giving, more open, more loving. More more more. Not less less less. Crack me open. Let my tears be my dancing be my holding be my love making be my gifting be my offering. May I offer and offer and offer.

I will not die an undigested trauma. I will not allow the word “crisis” to identify me. I will not forget that somewhere in this karma, there is love.

Forever, I will search for this love in reflection and investigation. For today, I feel it right here at my fingertips. I’ll love this man even though he does not love himself. I will serve my parents while also serving my health and well being. This crisis will strengthen me in love and witnessing.

Namaste.

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