Ruined For Life

I really dropped the ball in keeping up with this blogging thing. However, as my year in the Jesuit Volunteer Corps has now come to an end, I thought it would be an appropriate time to reflect on the past 12 months.

I’ll dive right into it by saying I am officially ruined for life.

Yes, you read that correctly. When I first heard that statement as one of JVC’s former slogans, I was petrified. Why would anyone purposely choose to enter into a year-long experience that would ruin them? What did that even mean? Well, after feeling it firsthand, I see that what that Jesuit’s blog that I Googled was talking about. It means maintaining an inconvenient faith; continuing to believe in God’s love and living in hope amidst the despair so evident in this world. It means loving our enemies while living for & with the poor. It’s exhausting. My community mates and I have been immersed into a face of the world that the majority of society never wants to unveil, and our hearts have shattered from continuously being wounded in the process. After this year, I will never be the same as I was before coming to Austin. “Thanks, JVC. You didn’t make it easier for me, but you weren’t supposed to…”

Hence, there have been many things that have changed during my time in Austin. Outlined in this blog post is a culminated list of some things that have remained constant — but also those experiences, people, and other Texas quirks that have opened my eyes and heart more than I could have imagined.

First, the things that haven’t changed since I first moved to the lone star state:

1. Still comfortably uncomfortable (refer to first blog post). My community and I have been so lucky to live in a cozy home and enjoy the luxuries of complimentary rent, water, electricity, gas, and WiFi — yet, within myself, I continue to live in the discomfort that no matter how ‘poor’ we thought we were this year — living on minimum monthly stipends and being full-time volunteers for a living — we still were never placed in the same reality as the people we served; or the discomfort of the various encounters I witnessed of the inequalities and setbacks one experiences when falling through the cracks of our society. I believe that this feeling of discontent will continue to be the incentive that pushes me forward in awareness and action.
2. Yes, I still make to-do lists and consider myself a chronic planner — always wanting to know what’s on the agenda and what comes next while being way too organized for my own good. However, this has also come with a newfound sense of tranquility for the unexpected opportunities that come at you when you least expect it(and there have been many this year).
3. Inevitably, the long commute to work via bus has been something out of my control this year. Nevertheless, it is with pride that I say I haven’t gotten lost again after that first day when I boarded the wrong bus and didn’t even know how to signal a stop. I also gained many bus friends and shared a few [early] morning laughs. Public transportation has made me realize that a car (something I’ve taken for granted since my 16th birthday) is a also a luxury, not an entitlement. Having access to a Honda Civic for one month out of the year (Thanks, Beth) made this appreciation come to light.
4. The bond of my community continued to grow stronger throughout the year, as I imagined it would. PSA: this is not saying we didn’t encounter any challenges or have disagreements — — there were moments when I wanted to give up & pack my bags (:/). This inevitably comes with the territory when 5 women are thrust together without much money or resources, with no say as to who they live with, and have to maintain an intentional community all while balancing a full-time work life. But, I truly couldn’t have asked for better roommates. Katie, Kelly, Emily, and Ewa are all strong, independent, beautiful humans who I got to experience our windowless, grossly carpeted, bug-filled, broken dishwasher/screen door home with. Their views and insights on the work that they courageously dove into this year have forever changed the way I structure my language, thoughts, and actions. I learned how to become open and vulnerable with their support while they inspired me to grow into a better version of myself. I am truly grateful. Side note: it still amazes me how we were able to go through all of our essential groceries (usually exceeding budget) in just a span of a few days (you can only eat so much beans and rice).

On the contrary, here is a (very) condensed list of things that have changed in the past 12 months:

1. As I mentioned, this year of service and conversations with my roommates have brought more self-awareness & broadened my knowledge of social justice. For the first time, I developed my own recognition of white privilege as well as the imbalance that comes along with it — which is a hard concept to digest. Working with & alongside Hispanic and African American women (some of the strongest of whom I’ve ever met) ignited a fire within as I was able to listen and value their stories. Validating feelings of racism, sexism, poverty, lack of access to healthcare, immigration/refugee discrimination, domestic violence, etc. has opened my eyes to situations I have not myself encountered. This education is key for potential change.
2. From consultations and appointments with expecting mothers to teaching both parenting and pregnancy classes, I am still deciding if this job has made me more excited to have children of my own or completely grossed out (lol). One thing I do know, however, is the incredible life-giving bond between mother and baby. Stemming from more holistic care for the family and the strive to ensure a healthy future for the baby from day one, I was able to witness so many hardships and financial burdens that my moms and dads have overcome. Yes, the baby fever is still SO real.
3. I fell in love. No, not with a Texas gentleman, but with myself. My submersion into this setting or situation was something I was not familiar or at ease with in the beginning. From this I (like to think) that I have gained a greater sense of who I am as a woman — in regards to respect for myself and others, independence, and maturity. I’ve been forced to learn the great importance of self-care on a whole new level because “you can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first.” My placement has given me incredible support & confidence in being able to talk with and listen to others in crisis, forming a real connection. The past 12 months have self-assuredly pointed me in the direction that I want to progress. On the flip side, I have also fallen in love with a 4-legged friend. We brought Juri, a basenji/pit mix, into our home as a foster (sry Jill) and she left our home as my adopted, happy pup. The benefits of having her and being provided with the food, treatments, and other vet care from Love-A-Bull organization was hard to pass up. So, Juri packed her bags and became a St. Louis gal. P.S Follow her on Instagram @queenjuri3 :)
4. Breakfast tacos > breakfast burritos (It’s a Texas thing and everyone else is missing out).
5. I commend and wish much success upon all of my friends enrolled in or pursuing medical school. Since middle school, I knew I wanted to work in the health care field when I grew up. After graduating pre-med, going through the MCAT & even the application process — life still took a turn. This year has made me realize that medical school is simply not for me anymore. I want to have a closer relationship with patients, getting to know them on a deeper level than just what their physical biology determines. Equally important, I want more time to raise a family of my own and experience the gift of motherhood one day — and I (speaking only for myself) don’t believe that would be an easy balance for me as an MD. Therefore, I am pursuing my passion to become a Physician Assistant, rigorously educated in sciences and trained with patient care along with more flexibility & time to focus on the holism of the patients I serve.
6. I never had the desire to visit Texas, let alone live there. As visions of cowboys, unbearable heat, rigid conservatives, and deserts danced around in my head, I was in for a surprise when I arrived in the “live music capital of the world”. One of the most progressive cities of the south, Austin provided me with rich cultural experiences and a recently discovered respect for the man-bun. I was fortunate enough to attend both Austin City Limits (ACL) music festival, a couple of South By Southwest events, while meeting many friends along the way. The food & inspiring murals were my favorite parts (best BBQ and Mexican I’ve ever had). Still endured unbearable heat, but Texas winters are superb.
7. Tuesday night viewings of the Bachelor/Bachelorette aren’t as bad as I thought. Kelly got me hooked on the show, and we watched faithfully every week while ardently filling out a contestant bracket to eventually determine ‘the one’. Definitely a new pleasure I don’t feel guilty about. #TeamLuke
8. Amidst the mission of the Jesuit Volunteer Corps lies 4 core values: spirituality, community, social justice, and simple living. Coming into the year I had already made up my mind that simple living was going to be the hardest value for me to live out. Indeed, it was hard to live on $100/month and become more aware of how I use my resources — but the logistics of living as an intentional community where 90% of our space, finances, food, and other household items were shared was probably one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done. No joke. We’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. Survived and thrived. “Did the damn thing”. We are family — people I will always love but, at times, didn’t always like. Hehe
9. The Gabriel Project is a ‘crisis’ pregnancy center which promotes the idea of choosing life and raising babies in a loving, nurturing environment from the moment they are conceived. When choosing my placement back in March 2015, the word crisis seemed intense. But during this process, a friend shared with me, “the Greek root of the word crisis is ‘to sift’ as in to shake out the excess and leave only what’s important. That’s what crises do. They shake things up until we are forced to hold on to only what matters most. The rest falls away.” This really stuck with me throughout the year. I have met and worked with loving mothers who do everything they can to prioritize and sift out what they have to in order to put their babies & families first. Helping provide the resources and care to assist in this process has been a total blessing.

The overall organization of Catholic Charities of Central Texas and all of my co-workers provided me with a strong sense of belonging and importance in a job that I felt really under-qualified for at first. They reassured me everyday with their support and friendship, and I will never forget them.

10. Forever grateful for Veronica (Kelly’s coworker) who got me in touch with the captain of one of the Austin Women’s Soccer League teams, Blue Horizon. With games every Sunday morning, I was able to continue getting my exercise fix as well as form lasting bonds with my teammates. To my opponent on the Howlers who sprained my ankle mid-summer season: you’re lucky we didn’t play each other again ;)

11. So, how did I end up here? This is a question I reflected on many times over the course of 12 months. Besides being interviewed and accepted into JVC back in spring 2015, I believe divine intervention placed me exactly where I needed to be and who I needed to be with. If you want to chat about how weird life is and where it takes you, hit me up. I have too much to say to fit all into this one blog post (or to not bore y’all), and I would love to listen to your story too.

The past year spent serving as a member of the Jesuit Volunteer Corps in Austin, TX has been the most informative, joyful, hurtful, thoughtful, altering, molding, powerful, accepting year of my life. Not enough adjectives to describes all of the emotions I am feeling right now. Can’t learn this shit in a classroom. It forced me to grow up and out of the privileged security I’ve always known. Forever changed, forever ruined for life.