The Exhibition of my Revision Process
The Big Transformation.
When writing my first essay on “Gender Studies” by Curtis Sittenfeld, I honestly had no clue where to start or what side to take on analyzing the story. Now that I have had the opportunity to grow as a writer, my revision is the epitome of a complete makeover. I realized I was trying to write about a side of the story that had little relevance to my life, therefore I couldn’t elaborate. I have now decided that instead of continuously drilling that she was egotistical and relating her to Donald Trump, I am now discuss how she hides her vulnerability from her recent break up with condescension. So I will be keeping some of the central, but the major section focusing on Donald Trump is history.
One of the revised paragraphs that I think speaks for the essay as a whole, reads as follows:
“Nell most definitely comes across as a stuck-up, know it all, but by her inner conversations we are clued into her true pain. She is simply overcompensating so she will not come across as weak and emotional, something any normal girl would do after a breakup. She is not single by choice, something that is difficult for her to comprehend considering the amount of time she spent devoted to Henry. In her routine life with him she felt that she had control over the outcomes in her life. This day, she is weak. She was no longer in control and felt inferior. I don’t think Nell originally was condescending, but was forced to put on a mask when things were beyond her control.”
I like how the essay now focuses more on her and Luke’s relationship and the internal struggle she faces when trying to push back the stinging memory of Henry. It captures what I want my readers to understand: that it okay to not be okay. Putting on a mask is how some women cope with their problems, some have one night stands. Whatever you may choose it’s okay to feel vulnerable after an extended time of certainty has ended.
I also decided to change my title as well. It is now “Vulnerability Clothed in Condescension”. I want the reader to know from the start of the essay that it is fine to cover up your emotions and disguise the hurt with confidence. In order to bring this title to the reader’s attention at the end of the essay, my concluding paragraph now reads:
“Nell puts up a false front that nothing can get to her. She is a strong woman, but in the end feels remorseful for what she did intimately with Luke, but also why they never spoke again. Her subjectivity caused her to hide her emotions, but also remain strong in who she was and be happy with her usual life. Therefore, you can cover vulnerability in clothes of condescension, but eventually you will be forced to shed them and show your true skin.”
I enjoyed seeing the transformation of my essays and revising them to make them more interesting to the reader.
Jim Carrey Profile
For my revision, I have decided rather than changing the wording of my essay completely, to simply switch the order of the paragraphs will be more effective. First I had to ask myself what exactly I wanted to be the effect on the reader. Therefore, by reading my piece, what knowledge and enjoyment would I want them to take with them and hopefully share with others versus what they actually obtained from the piece.
My focus of this essay was not on Jim Carrey’s career but rather his ability to overcome adversity and become the acclaimed actor he is today. I want to attract an audience that knows about Jim Carrey as an actor and strives to know a deeper side to him and by reading it, will want to share the joy they obtained reading it with others. I found it to be tremendously difficult to avoid speaking about Carrey’s roles in Dumb and Dumber and Ace Ventura, although in order to get my true point across, some diminution was needed. I downsized the information on his roles within television and narrowed the focus to his background information as a child and the conflicts he faced. I think his childhood adversity is what launched him into such success and almost forced him to have such will and desire to make a better life for himself.
His father was also a great influence on his life, so by bringing that paragraph up earlier in the essay will create a pathos effect on the reader and they will be compelled to continue. My essay will read as such: short background, commencement ceremony, ask the universe and then slightly touching on his television success. I will end my essay talking about the impact of his father on his life and discuss the scene where he places the $10 million check in his father’s coffin at the funeral. This will leave the audience in awe and realization of Carrey’s success.
The last paragraph now reads as follows:
“Consequences in life are beneficial to show you how to deal with things in the most productive manner.” He coins the term visualization when speaking to Oprah about how he overcame adversity. Being able to look into the future and picture how everything ends up is the key to getting there sooner, the sole reason he writes the check to himself for $10 million. He held his future in the palm of his hand so he could control it. Writing the check made him strive higher so he could cash it. Carrey’s father passed in 1994, shortly after his son’s rise to fame. Carrey placed the $10 million check into his father’s coffin as a tribute to the man who had both started and nurtured his dreams of being a star. Now his father would forever hold the one item that pushed Carrey to pursue his dreams. Although his father suffered from Alzheimer’s may years before his death and would never remember, let alone witness his true talent, he continued to impact Carrey to believe in himself and the universes ways.
“In the end, you only ever have two choices in life, either love or fear. Choose love and don’t ever let fear get in the way of your playful heart.” -Jim Carrey.
I think it is most effective to end with talking about the check he wrote to himself because it basically brings together the mystery behind his motivation. The two things on earth that motivated him the most were his father’s love to him and self motivation through the check. He unified them to rest easy together forever.
I tremendously decreased the size of the paragraph concerning his roles in television, due to the fact that this is not my focus of the piece. It distracts the reader from the main points and makes them questions the motives of my writing. I want the sole focus to be on him and his fathers relationship and the motivation he acquired because of it. Overall, I think my revisions have narrowed the topic and pushed the reader to think more critically about his emotional side rather than his money and fame.