It’s been a long Day without you my friend
Heaven should have Visiting hours.
It’s taken me a while to feel okay about sharing this. Grief is a mysterious fig and denial is certainly one of its stages. Back in October 2021, I said goodbye to my incomparably energetic and beautiful Pepper. Even tho it’s been over a year since i gave her the last loving kiss i didn’t seem to be over the stage of denial yet. I’m not even sure if i skipped the process altogether.
My trajectories have changed dramatically over the last one and a half years but the one constant in all of that was my very special fluffy lady. Equal parts stubborn and intuitive, Pepper was able to prop me up when I needed it most and keep me grounded when everything else felt up in the air. Even after her death the memories remain to be that powerful to have that kind of impact in my life. Through the training with Steve Kaye, the best dog Trainer Germany has ever seen, we both had the amazing opportunity to grow as individuals. To learn about ourselves, about each other and about life in general.
On her final Day here on this planet, she had to endure a tremendous amount of pain. It broke my heart to see her suffer. It shattered in a million pieces when I had to send her over the rainbow bridge. Certainly to young to die but she still made my life a far better one with her in it and all the lessons I learned with her. For my part, I cannot remember a life or a car without her. She was an anchor, a co-pilot and a source of unconditional love and acceptance that allowed me to flourish and consistently choose roads less traveled without ever once feeling alone. I know she will be with me forever and her contributions will live on.
Recent thoughts
Maybe you, as the person who is reading those few lines, can relate to the feeling of emptiness, numbness, hopelessness, sadness and all the other adjectives you could use to describe the emotions you may have faced after the loss of a loved one.
However, even after over a year, i recently found myself wondering more and more often wether I’m still avoiding to deal with this topic emotionally or if i made it to the stage of acceptance already.
Quick overview of the stages of grief:
1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance
Why am i asking myself about my development now?
For once i had a dream about my dog last week where i saw her standing next to my bed like she used to, starring at me, wagging her tail in excitement to start the day and also drooling on my bedsheets as she rests her head on the mattress, breathing into my face. In the dream i started to panic cause i couldn’t figure out right away why i didn’t feed her the previous day before i started to realize that she was dead. The past days my thoughts went back the her last day quite often and how it made me feel.
This made me think about my habit of ignoring emotional work and burry myself into my real life work instead, getting lost in the process only to get caught up by all the feelings at some point later on eventually. Maybe this sounds familiar to you. This is what i feel like i have been doing a lot lately.
But I’m not really eager into getting “haunted” by my past anymore just because i avoided dealing with every aspect of it properly right from the beginning. I suppose it only compromises the present and the future of my emotional health and all the possibilities that life may has to offer because it will also influence my decision making. So i’d rather want to do it right this time instead of “working backwards”. At the end of the day i don’t want to miss out on the present moments but i guess it gets a lot harder if your mind isn’t really there as well.
Why this article?
I’m aware of the fact that this article doesn’t hold much value to you as a reader but rather has a therapeutic effect for me cause i finally put into words what has been on my mind. With this i visualize it for myself and on top i put it out there for everyone to read it and ask about it so i can’t avoid it anymore.
So i guess i answered my question if i am still in denial.
For now i can’t answer in which stage i find myself currently in but i suppose i will figure it out soon.
If you have gone through grief already, maybe even multiple times at this point, you may have some piece of advice you want to share with me and everyone else who may comes across this, to help make this experience something which helps everyone in their personal development.
So much of what is best in us is bound up in our love of family, that it remains the measure of our stability because it measures our sense of loyalty. — Haniel Long
