Cabo San Lucas

Part 1

It’s New Years Eve and still no response. There’s a party all around and I keep lighting up my phone screen, wondering when you’ll text me back. You could say anything really. It’s past midnight for both of us by now. I envisioned this moment so differently in my head back when we were together. I kind of hoped you would come with me. And yet, the last words on the screen are still mine. In fact, all the recent texts are in blue since you stopped responding back several days ago. It makes me feel pathetic that I keep sending messages into this void. Maybe that’s why I dived head first into the ocean drunk with this other guy. Maybe it’s why, when we swam out deeper together, I felt myself slowly craving him. I had been so good up until then. I ignored the little voice inside my head in that cab ride back the first night we met. The stolen looks we shared in the airport and the slight wave goodbye as he walked onto the plane first. I tried not to listen to his stories about sex parties or laugh at his corny, but funny jokes. Even when we were lying in the same bed last night, waiting for one of us to make a real move, I got up before anything could have happened and left. That’s the best behaved I’ve ever been. Normally, I always cave at the first sign of affection. I was waiting for you to remind me that you still care. But still, no texts. It seems like it’s been awhile since I’ve been looked at the way he looks at me. You never seem to notice I was there these past few weeks. Sometimes I’d catch you staring right through me, clearly not catching onto anything I was saying. You were always in a depressed mood. It was like being a record, spinning the same song in slightly changing scenarios: sometimes a dingy smoked filled living room, sometimes a dimly light bedroom, sometimes by your desk at work or even over the phone when you would call me wasted. I needed a change. I needed to feel wanted again. He kept coming back for kisses after we shared our midnight kiss, so I was confident I could make this happen. After several hours had passed and still no notifications, I finally let it be.

Part 2

I hear the waves crashing over the rocks on the beach and feel the calming sensation that the white noise creates. We’ve moved from lightly making out in the hammocks to vigorously tearing each other’s clothes off in the cabana. I’ve never really done anything like this before. There is some light whispers and footsteps further away, that should alert us that other people are nearby, but we ignore any risk of getting caught. It doesn’t matter. I want him so badly that I wouldn’t have cared if someone walked right in front of us. But I’m still holding back. All the Don Julio and champagne can’t fully erase the feeling that I’m cheating. It doesn’t soften it though. He sucks on my neck and I tilt my head back in perfect ecstasy. Everything about this moment feels perfect. I don’t care anymore that he made out with another girl on the trip the night before at El Squid Row or that he’s admitted that he’s selfish. We fit together so well physically and I’m assuming we’ll never see each other again when we get back. So it really doesn’t matter. The only thing holding me back is that I have to see him for another four days… and you. I shove all thoughts and images I have stored of you away as he reaches for a condom for the second time. I could say no a little longer but instead I let him slip into me while I’m on top and together we ride as the ocean breeze washes over us. Soon he comes and passes out next to me immediately. We cuddle until it’s too cold for me stay. I shake him awake and he look surprised that we’re still there. We quietly slip back upstairs and don’t say anything but kiss goodbye outside my door. Once inside the room, I see a text from a few hours ago. It’s a screenshot our conversation, with you saying “you too darlin’” and a message from you informing me that for some reason it didn’t send in time. The date stamp says 12:02 am. Do I feel regret? I’m too drunk, tired and cold to process what this means to me right now. I settle into bed and ignore everything else but the post-coitus bliss that is still with me. I’ll deal with all of this in the morning. It will be a new year anyway.