How lavender oils helped to calm me during the week of the Independence Week Murders

I wanted to write this post a couple of weeks ago, but anxiety overwhelmed me. It just didn’t feel like it was the appropriate time to post these sentiments. And, I needed relief from the negativity before I could express my thoughts.

Today I watched the video of Marylin Mosby, the awesome prosecutor in Baltimore, discuss her frustrations with the criminal justice system and it preventing her from prosecuting the murderers of Freddy Gray. Today, I feel moved to share how watching the turmoil and discord of that week triggered my anxiety. More importantly, I want to share what I did to move through that time.

For a week, after the Freddie Gray murder and riots, I felt depression. The state of America deeply saddened me. In 2015, none of this should have happened. One year later, we should have done more to prevent it from happening again. The apathy of our country contributes to my anxiety. As a black woman in America, I am exhausted. Misogyny. Objectification. Racism. I just really need for the world to do better.

What is anxiety?

For me, anxiety is the irrational thoughts and feelings that keep me stuck in the possibilities of negativity occurring and not focused on the probabilities that I will be fine and the truth that God is taking care of me. Anxiety has manifested itself physically and emotionally and it can really stop me from living my life. In the past, I have not been able to sleep at night. I have not been able to get out of bed. I have been plagued with being too anxious to leave the house.

These moments are low. I feel horrible. Let me take the time to make a public apology to everyone that I have cancelled plans with or not answered the phone for during my anxious struggles. Let me thank everyone who has done their best to support me. Let me be thankful to those that check in on me and allow me back in when I’m ready, embracing me with loving non-judgmental arms.

When is the last time that anxiety has affected me??

After the Alton Sterling video was released, I watched it over and over trying to understand the event. I couldn’t see why things escalated to the point that they did. It was frustrating and confusing for me because I have trouble killing bugs. It was hard for me to understand the taking of a human life when it seemed to me that there might have been other de-escalation options.

I called a friend of mine who has a PhD in Sociology and I asked her, “Do you think that these police officers have some level of PTSD or something?” She responded simply, “No. It’s racism.” Then she sent me a link to a study that she wrote with a research team which examined how police perception of race and size is related to police force. As much as I didn’t want the answer to be racism, I had to agree that race and perception has something to do with it. Maybe an irrational fear based off of a misperception about race triggers some police officers to feel the need to use force? I don’t know. I’m trying to understand.

I meditated on the police murders over the past couple of years. Freddie Gray, murdered by police while handcuffed in the back of a police car. Alton Sterling. Philandro Castile, completely complied with the law and ended up dead, anyway. Tamir Rice, the twelve-year-old boy who was shot within seconds of police arrival because he was playing with a toy gun. Walter Scott, the man who was shot in the back as he was running away. Sandra Bland, the woman who was found dead in her cell after a routine traffic stop. Eric Garner, the man who was choked to death by NYPD. I thought about the video of the young girl being man handled at the pool, a recent video I saw of another young girl with her hands behind her back being kneed and punched by an officer, and the girl who was manhandled by a police officer at school. What about my friends and family who have been victims of police harassment and brutality? The only commonality that I could find within these stories is that the victims were all black.

4 people of Latino or Hispanic descent were killed by police officers during the Independence week murders. I have read the Guardian data. I know this is more than a “black issue”. But, this post is speaking to my anxieties that have developed as a black woman learning about the murders and brutality of black people in this country.

After watching the Alton Sterling video, I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach, that I didn’t want to raise kids in America. I probably don’t want to raise kids in this world. I am African American. Where do I belong? Where do I fit in? Where can I raise kids who will not inevitably have a target on their back? I believe we live in a world with a lot of good people, but overall, the story for African Americans is far too much of a struggle. People think the trauma of slavery is something that we should let go of. I would love to! But we haven’t been given the opportunity or the tools to do so. Not to mention, the trauma of slavery has been passed down in some of our genes. But, that is a post for another day. This post, is about my anxiety.

My friend Lauren called me the night of Alton Sterling’s murder and asked me to be on her radio show, where the discussion would be dedicated to police brutality. I was happy to go. I wanted to be a part of a conversation that proposed solutions.

The next morning, I saw a text from Lauren that said, “This shit can’t be real.” I knew, something else bad had happened. That is when I learned about Philadro Castile. I’m not going to lie. I was fine when I heard about Alton Sterling, but, Philandro Castile triggered my anxiety to paranoid levels. Both murders were not OK. But, Philandro’s story and murder instilled fear in me. We are not safe. Even if you comply with the law, we are not safe.

Previously, I thought police brutality occurred because they didn’t have repercussions caught on camera, it would be a cops word verses a citizens. But the shift now, is that even with body camera’s installed, even when everyone watches a murder, too often, there is not a consequence.

After hearing about Philandro Castile, I did not want to be in a car. What if my taillight was out and I didn’t notice? What if I forgot to use my turn signal? What if I’m not perfect? Lord knows, I’m not perfect. Does not being perfect put my life in jeopardy with the current police climate? As I hear about our civil liberties being taken away, ruling after ruling, I become more and more afraid of police power. Who is going to police the police? I’m afraid of police power because I rarely see police consequences. And, I would just like to avoid the police, all together, except for family and friends that are officers, detectives and state troopers, with whom I know that I am safe.

Let me be clear here. These thoughts that I have are irrational. I know that all cops are not “bad apples”. I have friends and family that are cops and I appreciate them. Cops have helped me when I’ve needed them at times. At times they haven’t. Most of my interactions with police officers have been positive. But, as evidenced by recent events of non-prosecution and non-conviction they have a license to kill without consequence. And that is highly problematic for my psyche.

I am Black, whether I am in the city or a rural area, whether I live in the North East, Midwest, or the South. I used to be under the misconception that as a woman, I would be less likely to be attacked. Or, that living in the North was better than living in the South. But, there are women and children on the list of individuals killed by police and these murders have taken place all over the country.

I called Lauren the day of her show. I told her my anxiety was high and I did not feel up to coming. I told her that we as a culture talk too often without strategic action. I told her that people may be upset or riot today, but they would forget about it in a week or two and pay more attention to Kim and Kanye. I was right.

She told me my voice was needed. My boyfriend encouraged me to go, as well. And, I knew, regardless of my fears, I still had to live my life to the best of my ability. I couldn’t let the misperception of others stop me from sharing my voice. Still, I was uncomfortable every time I saw a police car, and the police presence was high that day.

I took a deep breath of lavender oil and I immediately relaxed.

Let me repeat that. I inhaled lavender oil and I immediately relaxed. I could feel the tension being removed from my shoulders. The fogginess in my brain started to fade away. Lavender oil is the shit, and I wish I knew about it years ago!

There are studies that show that lavender can be equally efficacious as Ativan, my go to anxiety medicine to take, for generalized anxiety disorder. Let me be clear here. I am a huge fan of Ativan, and it served me supremely well when I was having anxiety attacks throughout the night. But, western medication makes me uncomfortable. It usually has side effects. Ativan’s side effects were minimal, for me. But, if it is not safe enough to prescribe to people with addictions, I’m still uncomfortable with it. The side effects that I faced with various medications have been too much for me to handle. I’ve gained weight, passed out, lost cognitive function, became emotionless, had diarrhea to the point of dysfunction. On my 30thbirthday, I couldn’t wear my new heels because, I had “the shakes”. I would drop pens and credit cards while checking out at the store because I could not keep a grip in my hand. One medication sent me into a hypoglycemic state. The most concerning side effect resulted in me driving down the wrong side of the street because my cognitive function was gone. You get the point. Western medications were not without consequence, for me.

This is why I love lavender oil. Lavender oil is a really easy way for me to deal with my anxiety. And I love the smell. Lavender oil has helped me to get my life back.

Since implementing lavender oil I have not used Ativan.

Back to current events.

I’m going to make a tough statement that is very true to me. When innocent people are murdered by the police, it is not the specific incident that bothers me as much as knowing that we have a system that will allow it to happen again and again. We live in a society that doesn’t seem to care…enough. I knew Alton Sterling was just another name on the Black List.

I’m not mad at the individual officers, whether they have an irrational fear of black people, or whether they’ve been through too much, or whether they are hateful, or whether they are scared. I’m concerned that our society’s reaction is not to implement effective solutions to ensure that these incidents never happen again. I’m sad that we don’t value the life of all of our citizens, equally.

As I said to Lauren on the day of her show, “We will be up and arms this week, but next week we will move on.” The Freddie Gray verdicts, and the silence behind them proved my point. I’m not sure if most people even know about them. The lack of change that occurs as a result of marches, but the response I see as a result of riots, that scares me. It shouldn’t take burning buildings and vandalism for America to pay attention to the cries of black American’s. When the officers were shot in Dallas, that saddened me, and scared me as well. I don’t need police officers to be any more anxious or nervous than they already are. I don’t need any officers to feel that they have a target on their back. Murdering a police officer doesn’t un-murder those that we have lost. And, it won’t stop black men and women from being murdered in the future.

The point is that we should live in a world where all life is valued, police officers, Blacks in America, Latinos, men, women, children. There shouldn’t be an argument over black lives mattering or all lives mattering. There should be systematic change to ensure that murders by the police are not committed again. Yes, in my opinion, all lives are valuable. But, the problem is that I am African American, and because of our country’s apathy, I am convinced that my life does not matter to enough people. It’s hard to understand who my life matters to when the majority of society remains silent, murder after murder, and continues with their day as if people were not murdered by the ones that should be protecting them.

I invite you. Watch the video below and explain to me how the Freddie Gray murder and lack of conviction is not complete bullshit. Please tell me, is my anxiety about being black in America that extreme? How do I know that it won’t be me, next? What is the indication that this won’t get worse?

Until there are some deep changes within the system, I’m grateful that I have my lavender oil.