Everybody’s Changing and I Don’t Feel The Same
A 15 Year Story of Change and Healing
I’ve been on this land for 15 years now, and everything, absolutely EVERYTHING has changed. Except mostly where I plant my feet.
In May 2002 I learned of this 4.9 acre slice of Oregon. I remember the visceral feeling of wanting, of thinking that something good needed to happen to me or I’d lose hope. My mom’s company owned the property and house and it had been on the market 4 months already. The real estate listing was misclassified into a different area, a bungle that seemed magically in our favor. A two family household, could we attempt it?
We got the house. And the land. And were successful in a 3 generation living arrangement.
Now the smell of this property is burned into my orbitofrontal cortex. An aromatic mixture of berries, dirt, moss and tree bark. Home.
Eventually… 6 people in the house including two kids. Laughter, love, fighting, tears, memories, good times, bad times, holidays, the whole ball of wax. A lot of work, two businesses, one outside full time job, 2 retirements. Remodeling the entire house from top to bottom. Transformation. Growing kids. Loud voices of teenagers.
Later on people started leaving… 2 college kids, 2 parents moved to the desert. Sold the house and half the land. Then 1 divorce. Apparently they were the glue that kept us together. With no such glue we were permanently un stuck.
15 years later, I’m the only one left standing here. One out of six. No one died, they all just left. The ghosts of the belongings they didn’t want still exist in my shop.
As Keane said, “Everybody’s changing and I don’t feel right”.
I don’t feel the same, but I am lucky. At age 48 I am brand new.
I am standing on the same land, albeit in a different position. The big old house belongs to someone else. I have a 2.4 acre slice of the original pie. My feet are planted in the same dirt, looking at the weeds in my “new” backyard. Looking at the blank spot where soon my new, smaller house will be built.
The deer are the same, my dogs are the same. My dogs still don’t like the deer, and the deer are not afraid of them.
15 years later, I’m looking into the brown eyes of my new lover and knowing he will share this with me. Knowing this is the way it was meant to happen.