I’m Not Strong Enough
I don’t know about you, but feeling lost and devoid of purpose was not quite on the bucket list for my mid-20’s. Perhaps it isn’t on anyone’s bucket list, and that’s why it feels so tragic when one realizes that for all the confidence and charisma they project outwardly, life is overwhelmingly complex and they don’t have the details that matter to them figured out.
This is where I find myself, and it’s the most emotionally exhausting and depressing experience of my adult life so far. If you ask how I’m doing, and you really want to know, I am sad; coping with fear and anxiety; trying to do good and impactful work, but crippled with a lack of confidence; trying to live according to my God-given purpose, but feeling lost; trying to remain strong and courageous but learning… I’m not strong enough.
It doesn’t just happen, though…
We never just end up in places of difficulty, and my story is not different. I’ve been working in a very toxic environment for the past year; contending with ignorance of employee feedback; a lack of managerial support, and no real opportunities for growth. This has all been underpinned by tactics of manipulation; destructive criticism, and lies.
I am not without blame, either. I watched it all happen, and thought I could ‘be a man’, be strong, take it and simply move on, but I was wrong.
I have recently resigned from the office, but it took six months of more discouraged work, and a near-collapse of my entire body due to anxiety-induced panic attacks, and gastrointestinal problems. When I left, I left to (literally) save my life.
In admitting this, I also feel judged by and apologetic towards my African parents whom I love, and every other person, old and young, who – I anticipate – think that my decision to quit was ‘dramatic’ or unwise given the daunting state of the job market. I felt them all breathing down my neck in judgement (I still do) because where I’m from, if your workplace is abusive to your health, and destroying your wellbeing, you stay.
It is simply better to make money and die, than to quit and live… but I’m not strong enough.
I’ve let God down
My Christian beliefs challenge this idea. It doesn’t even check-out logically, because how is it possible to disappoint the One who has seen how my entire story plays out?
Perhaps it is more appropriate to admit that I am not proud with how I have handled myself throughout this difficult period… and I don’t think God is either. I have felt alone, unheard, and indulged in my own pleasures to cope with my suffering and feel ‘better’. I don’t think I’ve prayed enough over the past year; I haven’t fasted enough, nor have I sought God’s help consistently enough times – I certainly haven’t, because He doesn’t seem to have answered me.
I also don’t feel strong enough to try again anymore.
I’m not angry at God, but I’m angry at the idea that what’s required of those suffering in lack is more. That in my weakness, I must find a way to be strong all by myself. I’m angry at how shameful I feel when I fall apart, because the voice in my head offers me no grace or rest; it pushes away those who try to love me; it demands that I stay strong at all times, because my moment of need is an inconvenience, even to God.
Hence, dealing in hope and faith has become exhausting for me. I can extend it for others, but am unable to do it for myself. Maybe because I’ve let God down; certainly because…I’m not strong enough.
I don’t know about you, but feeling lost and devoid of purpose was not quite on the bucket list for my mid-20’s. Perhaps it isn’t on anyone’s bucket list, and that’s why it felt so tragic when I realized that for all the confidence and charisma I project outwardly, life is overwhelmingly complex and I just don’t have the details that matter to me figured out.
