Confessions of a Recovering Chronic Overachiever
My life was seemingly perfect. A young successful black woman in her mid-20s. Educated. Actively involved in her community and church. Advocate for others. Just a happy-go-lucky millennial. The happiness was real. So very real. But then it wasn’t.
I have always been highly motivated. I’m apart of the 3% of the U.S. adult population, and 1% of U.S. adult female population, that are categorized as being an INTJ (Introversion (I), Intuition (N), Thinking (T), Judgment (J)) according to the Myers-Briggs Personality Indicator.
INTJ individuals are known as “the Architect”, persons of relentless intellectualism and chess-like maneuvering. See also: Jack-of-All-trades, strategic, self-confident, independent, decisive, and determined. This personality type combined with the fact that I am a compulsive overachiever were a definite recipe for DISASTER, I mean success.
I am a true INTJ: a high-performing, methodical perfectionist. My Achilles heel is that I internalize and am fueled by stress. I embrace stress. The more stressed I am, the better I perform. I have been told multiple times that I am a glutton for pain and I wore that like a badge of honor. Side note: it’s not an honor. But I had a plan, a ten-year plan to be exact, that I needed to achieve by any means necessary and was well on my way to doing so. I graduated undergrad at 20. At 23, I had both a masters and JD. Soon after I passed the bar and began my career. During the time leading up to my actual career I had worked multiple jobs, maintained decent grades, and somehow managed to have a social life but only to my detriment.
I had developed some extremely unhealthy habits. Not sleeping for days at a time? I did that regularly. Overextending myself? I had no idea what the word “No” meant.
Staying busy to ignore trauma that I actually needed therapy for?
(wow, a read)
Ha, piece of cake.
Word to the wise: you can’t live like that forever. Stress destroys your body and it can significantly affect your mental health.
So here I was, five months into my dream job, and depression and anxiety began to weigh heavily on me or maybe I should say that I could no longer hide the affects. I began to feel physically ill. My entire body began to ache and I was chronically exhausted. I started to lose crazy amounts of weight because I wasn’t eating. It became harder and harder for me to get out of bed each day because I had neither the energy nor willpower to do so.
Nevertheless I persisted. I kept working but my mental and physical health continued to deteriorate. It got to the point where I could barely walk down up a flight of stairs or down a hallway without feeling like I was going to pass out. My heart rate was through the roof. My chest felt like it was about to cave in. My entire body felt like it was on fire. And I was slowly becoming a shell of my former self. My family, friends, and coworkers all began to worry about my health as it became more and more evident that something was wrong. And then it happened, I found myself in the hospital. I had hit rock bottom and my health took a significant hit.
A number of doctor’s appointments later I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, a chronic pain disorder, while still being monitored and tested for other illnesses. In addition to this, I was diagnosed with severe cases of Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. These disorders had created a positive feedback loop in my body (STEM humor, sorry). After three months on bed-rest, most of which I don’t remember, and countless appointments with doctors and specialists, I had to make the hardest decision of my life. I chose to leave the perfect job to take care of my health. I was so upset with myself. I was upset that I had let this situation get out of my control. I toiled through the six stages of grief and eventually accepted that I had made the best decision for myself. I had also done what was necessary to minimize any further negative impacts for people around me. And you know what? It was the best decision that I have ever made.
For the first time in a long time I deviated from my ten-year plan. I took pressure off of myself. I had been living in an unsustainable manner and I hit a tipping point. (Solid climate change reference for my fellow enviros). It’s time to take care of myself and for the foreseeable future I’ll be doing just that.
Life with a chronic illness has not been easy and I look forward to the day when Fibromyalgia doesn’t affect every single aspect of my day. My body now reacts to everything. Cold temperatures, hot temperatures, atmospheric pressure changes, stress, and anxiety among other things. I have a fixed amount of energy most days and the slightest overexertion can put me in the bed for three to five days at a time. I’m chronically exhausted and deal with cognitive impairment and a terrible case of fibro fog. My Fibromyalgia also brought with it a barrage of associated symptoms. It sounds downright miserable right? Well, it is.
It has been incredibly hard to find a specialist willing to take my case. I’m at six denied referrals, that I know of, and counting. Woohoo.
*insert rant about U.S. healthcare system and disparities regarding treatment of chronic illnesses broken down by both gender and racial demographics*
Dealing with the healthcare system for the past year has been frustrating to say the very least.
This ordeal has forced me to deal with some unpleasant truths. My life plans are on a temporary hold and that’s okay. I’m taking time to readjust and I’ll be back on my feet soon. Amazingly, I don’t feel pressured and I’m very grateful to be able to take the time that I need to take care of myself.
I am now adjusting to my current norm. I see both a psychiatrist and therapist regularly. I’m working on being able to talk more openly about my well-being. I’ve developed stronger relationships with my loved ones, both family and friends. Most importantly, I feel like the weight of the world has now been lifted off of my shoulders. I can also predict when it’s going to rain without checking the weather because my joints let me know. *shrugs* So perhaps this slight setback was actually a blessing in disguise. Well, I’m personally choosing to view it that way.
So what’s next? I’m in the process of taking my life back. I’m choosing to live more actively than passively. I’m choosing to give myself a little more grace. I’m choosing to spread more love and light in a world that needs it. I’m choosing to be a better me. I’ve accomplished a lot in my short 25 years, and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for my future.
And if I may leave you with some words of advice: you are your own biggest critic. You will get that degree. You will establish that career. You will be successful as long as you speak it into fruition and take the necessary action. Be determined but don’t be so determined that you elect to ignore your well-being. Stress kills and this is especially true for my fellow POC. Take care of and be kinder to yourselves.
Signed,
A recovering chronic overachiever
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It’s okay to not be okay, but you don’t have to stay that way. If you or someone you know are in need of mental health services, don’t be afraid to seek help.
Special shout-out to my fellow spoonies. Despite your current frustrating situation, keep going. Just take it a day, hour, or minute at a time. Don’t allow anyone to make you feel bad about taking whatever time you need to take care of yourself. ❤
Tae Scott is an Environmental and Energy attorney who is currently taking a well-deserved break. I believe in prioritizing ones well-being and mental health. I believe in social justice. I believe in being the change I wish to see. I believe that by sharing my journey, someone will feel a little less alone. I look forward to continuing to share my journey, thoughts, and opinions with you all in the future.
