Of Fear and Powerlessness…

It’s like the air has just been vacuumed right out of your lungs and you’re hanging in the balance, breathless, racing heart and in a state of panic or perhaps even just utter paralysis… It’s of a varying degree depending on each of us, our emotional strength and the specific circumstance. However, it’s a feeling that seems inevitable to rear its ugly head at some point in this journey we call life.

As I write this, I’m in the purgatory of this state. Waiting. Hoping. For the good news that will come and resuscitate the air back into my lungs. To breathe life, hope and effervescence back into my soul. All the while toying with my own sense of needing to “hold it all together.” Don’t call Mom yet. Don’t call your closest girlfriend. It’s too soon to be in a panic. We’ve all been there, in some shape or form. If we haven’t yet, odds are it will be our truth at some point.

Those moments, hours, or maybe even days, where there is an unknown, a fear, a panic… but we’re not quite sure it’s time to blow the whistle yet. Maybe just sit with the crippling fear a little bit longer? Maybe suck it up and pretend none of this is happening? Go sort some laundry, feed the dogs, sweep the floors, throw myself into the latest work project, anything… anything to keep my mind from spinning in this abyss.

Then you start having that self-talk. Sure, bad things happen. But not to me. Not now. Just keep your head on straight. Be patient. The good news will come. This will all be okay. If the time can just pass, and I can find some peace in the interim. Please… Please let me look back soon and say this was all silly worry. For nothing.

Today is Day 10, of the second deployment. An indeterminate deployment. The man I adore and hold in the highest esteem is thousands of miles away. He is in a remote location which we’ll leave unstated, but note that it is war torn and, to put it mildly — volatile.

Ironically, it was as though I was running on adrenaline the first deployment and these fears crept in little, if ever. There were two, if not three gaps, just like this, where my emotional state was multi-fold stronger than it is in this moment. What gives?

Then I think about 15–20 years ago… what deployments must have been like for spouses. Before WiFi and constant contact. These spouses would go on about their lives for who knows how long, until their deployed spouse could make contact. Thinking of this makes me shrink like a violet. Who am I to be unsettled in this moment!? I mean… it’s been just a few hours past your normal daily contact and he has seemingly fallen off the earth. Really!? But you guys… he is routine and steady as the beating drum. No sign of activity on WhatsApp. No “delivered” notification on text. Geez. Relax. Maybe his phone died. Maybe the internet connection went kaput. That’s what happened before. Calm down.

These all seem very rational and logical responses… but then that whole war-torn part of the world creeps into my head. I start Googling current news reports. Maybe there’s an answer. Something. Some sign.

I stop myself. What’s it gonna help? Just sit with it. Wait. The news will come. All in time. Maybe good. Maybe not. Until then, keep the optimism.

My current flurry of panic surely pales in comparison to moments in time where others were left in wait. Before they ultimately received devastating news. They may have even handled the waiting and the news itself with more strength. To these folks, I exalt.

Life. It can be the most beautiful, awe-inspiring adventure. Full of whimsy, true love and delight. Then, in an instant it can leave us ripped apart, in the depths of despair and broken. This is a ride we have no idea the direction headed, nor did we sign up for the uncertainty, but we’re on it. So, buckle up. Laugh and love with the ups, and as best we can, lets sit in calm in the twists, turns and loops. No telling where this thing goes, but we’re all aboard.