Is drama in relationships inevitable?

Kirsten Liegmann
Sep 4, 2018 · 5 min read

Twelve years ago I was sitting around a dinner table with friends along with a gentleman whom I had known for about 3 months and only in a workshop setting. His name was Rennie Davis. Famous to the generation of the Sixties as one of the Chicago 7, his illustrious past was completely unknown to me. I was born in 1968 after all.

We were all comfortably chatting around the table, when a sudden blurt-out from Rennie interrupted everything: “I know who you are now!” Turning to him, I was met by his piercing, joyful blue eyes. “Me? What do you mean?” Clearly the exclamation came as a surprise to him as well, because he awkwardly refused to elaborate.

The evening eventually returned — sort of — to the previous conversation, but a palpable curiosity and vibration remained. After everyone left or went to bed, only one question was on my tongue as I faced him: “Would you please care to explain?” What followed is absolutely not the pick-up advice I would give to anyone — he kissed me. Whaaaat? More bizarrely, I found myself kissing him back. Whaaaat?

Rennie had been aware of my presence in the world for nearly two years and had been searching with growing impatience. Not realizing I had been attending his workshops for several months already, he suddenly KNEW I was sitting next to him. Hence the blurt-out. Hence the boldness to kiss me. Hence the — what I call — Tsunami of Knowingness that swept me into his arms and our relationship.

It didn’t take long however for all kinds of egos to rear their emotional heads. Goody-Two-Shoes no doubt led the pack: “What will others think? The age gap is too big? This is not what I was envisioning for my next relationship? I’m too young still to waste myself on this older guy!” And on my thought spirals went, accompanied by the egos of Wanda Worrier, Arrogant Angie, Fearful Freida, Judge Judy, and many more. They were a formidable bunch, and about 6-months in gained the upper hand. I broke up with Rennie certain that was the end of that chapter. Phew! Escaped.

Except, about 6 months after that, after finding myself very much disliking the respectful distance Rennie was now maintaining between us and deciding to reach out to him again, I receive the following email: “Is it possible that you went into the graveyard of our relationship and found our gravestone with the words “Rest in Peace” on it, and peaked on its backside and saw in tiny letters engraved the one word: “Possibility?”

And thus our story began — again.

Every relationship has it’s unique set of circumstances. They are the perfect setup for us to receive a mirror reflection of what egos may still be running the show.

It is so easy to get irritated or blame our partner when we see the toilet seat up or the kitchen dirty, when cute quirks become annoying habits or when age offers opportunities to judge. We start snipping and sniping at the smallest things. Poor Rennie used to regularly get the brunt of my Irritable Ida Ego.

As we make a leap in awareness, however, we begin to understand that this reality is a psychological construct whose origin is ourselves. That means that the only thing your partner is doing is reflecting back to you your own thoughts and perceptions about yourself. If there is an emotional reaction, the reaction is in you. It also means you have the power to edit the ego behind it and find liberation in releasing the emotion that is pulling your strings. Rather than staying in the grips of the victim or blame ego when you feel he or she did something to piss you off, you can realize that your beloved partner has just given you the most beautiful golden opportunity to notice and observe an ego and then let it go.

Trust me: having been extensively trained in the modalities of “you just did something that really irritated me and I would like to talk about it”, it was rather upsetting in the beginning when Rennie would not engage me during emotional outbursts. In essence, he was saying, see first what is triggering your emotion and clear that, and then if there is something we still need to talk about, I’m fully available for that.

Imagine for a moment the typical interaction in most relationship (marriage, business or otherwise). One person gets triggered and with a certain amount of push energy requests a conversation. The other person often gets defensive and returns the push energy with their own push back. This is true even in Compassionate Communication. We can be gentle, reflective (as in “I hear you”) and understanding. Yet any time there is an energy of “you did something to me that triggered me”, this push dynamic, however subtle, emerges.

What Rennie taught me was at first infuriating, and ultimately invaluable. Anytime I got triggered and requested we talk about it, he would not return the equal amount of push back for an engagement to happen. So I’d push harder, and he’d gently Jedi-move out of the way, always with the clear, unspoken invitation for me to look at the source of my trigger.

Over time I started understanding the base principles from where he was operating. He wasn’t doing anything to me. He was mirroring back to me my own thoughts and perceptions. Additionally, since every emotional reaction has an ego behind it, with every reaction in me he was showing me a window into myself. By not engaging me in my emotional state, he offered me the opportunity and key to my liberation from these emotional triggers. See the ego and you take control back from it.

It’s taken nearly a decade for me to grok the depth of this profound understanding, and I can’t claim to have fully abandoned my victim and blame egos yet. I still fall into the trap of complaining about the other person (Rennie or otherwise) when I perceive to have been wronged. At least now I see them quicker and am able to release them one more time and one more time and one more time…..until someday they’ll be completely gone.

Relationships offer fertile ground for the victim and blame egos to be in control of you, but when you can fully and deeply understand these two principles:

1. This reality is a hall of mirror reflecting back to you your own thoughts and perceptions; no one really does anything to you and

2. Every emotional reaction is an ego in you that you can see and let go

now all your relationships can stand on a solid, drama-free foundation, from which the most amazing love, respect, joy, friendship, and creativity can grow. That is the promise of New Humanity relationships.

And so, 12 years after hearing “I know who you are now” and facing all the egos that have vied for attention since, I will stand amongst our friends and family, facing the most amazing man and friend ever, to say the words, “I do.”

P.s. The New Humanity tribe is gathering on Sept. 21 & 22. Join us: www.ffh.org/NewHumanity2018