21 Questions To Ask Your Partner To Understand Them On A Deeper Level

Questions that go beyond music preferences and sibling names.

Kirstie Taylor
Nov 26 · 4 min read
Photo by John Schnobrich on Unsplash

There comes a time in relationships when you get a bit sick of jokes and blase topics. You want to know your partner on a deeper level, how their past shaped them into who they are today, what their deepest desires are.

Asking about their week, how their relationship with their parents is, and about their future goals feels almost like a reflex. You want to know more. The parts of them that not everyone gets to hear about.

But when you finally muster up the courage to ask a more question that would dig a bit deeper, you draw a blank.

Maybe you’re nervous your questions may come off interrogative.

Maybe you’re stuck on the wording.

Maybe you simply don’t know what to ask.

Fear not. You’re in the same boat as a lot of us, and there’s hope for getting to know your partner on a deeper level.

My advice to set the mood for this venture: make it into a bit of a game.

Let your partner know your intentions for asking these questions. Tell them you’ll answer them too. Maybe even enjoy a few glasses of Pinot while you make you’re way through them.

Create an intimate night-in while you dive into the inner workings of each other.

Once that’s done, hopefully, that eliminates some of your nerves.

This list will help you with exact questions to ask your partner to get to know them on a deeper level:

On Life

1. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

I find someone’s answer to this question to be very telling of their values and desires.

2. If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say in only three sentences?

This may take a bit of thinking, but asking for a concise answers makes your partner think about what they learned most in life thus far.

3. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

4. If you woke up tomorrow with no fear, what would you do first?

5. Why did you cry the last time you did so?

Make sure to be supportive when they answer this question; a lot of people find talking about crying as very vulnerable.

6. What would constitute a perfect day for you?

My favorite question! Remember, it’s not a bad thing if your answers differ drastically.

7. What is your most treasured memory?

On your relationship

8. What did you think when you first met me?

A cute, straight-forward question to ease into the topic of your relationship.

9. What’s one difference between us that you absolutely love?

Maybe their answer will be something you always worried about! Perhaps what you think is your biggest flaw is actually something they love about you.

10. What do you think was your most vulnerable moment in our relationship?

11. What’s your favorite non-physical quality about me?

12. What do I do that makes you feel most loved?

This can be focused around Love Languages if you’re into talking about them.

13. What’s one secret you haven’t told me about yet?

Dun dun dunnnn.

Kidding. But also be supportive of your partner’s answer and willingness to open up to you.

14. Do you have any fantasies you want to try with me?

I had to throw in some sexual fun. See this as a bit of a mood lightener too.

Fun, out of the ordinary ones

15. If you won ten million dollars, what would you do first?

Their answer will be extremely telling of what matters most in life to them.

16. When have you felt your biggest adrenaline rush?

17. How do you wish to be remembered?

18. What fictional character do you most relate to?

Being a book and movie nerd, this matters deeply.

19. If you could take us anywhere in the world right now, where would you take us?

Bonus if they then take you the next day.

20. Tell me a really, really stupid joke that made you laugh.

It’s always fun to know your partner’s real sense of humor.

21. What is the most important thing to do on your bucket list before you die?


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Kirstie Taylor

Written by

Advice for conscious relationships and self-improvement without the BS. Keep Up: https://kirstietaylor.substack.com Instagram: wordswithkirstie

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